Sasquatch Urine Key to Old Growth Forest Growth

An unknown and unconfirmed Canadian Scientist has released a paper hypothesizing that Sasquatch urine is essential to the maintenance of old growth forests.

In his words, "Well, those guys hide in the woods and they drink a lot of beer, eh, so they must have to pee like a race horse and since they can't pee in the local buses like the other fellas do, they must be pee'n in the woods, and the woods is big so yu gotta go figure eh?"

Between us Sasquatch geeks: Our team of Bolivian researchers didn't spend a lot of time fact-checking this one. We're just gonna roll with it.

Sasquatch Seal Saviours Save Sailors

Sasquatches protesting the seal hunt in Northern Canada rallied to save the occupants of a shipwrecked sailboat, according to a credible, sober source making a meager living as a freelance journalist and full-time alcoholic.

As the story goes, a group of teens ran ashore and several hundred Sasquatches took the time to form a rescue sign along the icy coast. Using their large, hairy bodies 200 Sasquatches were able to spell, "YO, HELICOPTER DUDE, THE STUPID-ASS KIDS ARE HERE. HURRY, OR WE'LL EAT THEIR SORRY ASSES."

A spokesasquatch said, "The threat was an attempt to instill a sense of urgency. We had no plans to eat the yuppy puppies. We just wanted them the hell off of our nude bathing beach."

Sasquatch Home Fart Kit

A German toy manufacturer has created a Sasquatch Home Fart Kit. No shit!

Kids sign up for monthly newsletters with instructions on how to recreate an authentic Sasquatch fart. This month, kids received a recipe for "Memories of Asian Tourist with Tripod and Nikon".

2 cups, sake

1 aged sneaker insole

Mirin, a versatile seasoning made by a natural process, using only cultured rice (koji) and pure spring water, with a little sea salt added before bottling.

Expired eggs

Combine ingredients in an empty Guinness can and flame the heck out of it with a Creme Brule torch.

You've Come a Long Way Sasquatch

In the depths of the Mariana Trench, the deepest point in the Pacific ocean, lives a trasparent shrimp-like thing. Transparent? Tough to see? Evolution? Connect the dots.

Sasquatch Facial Scare

Sasquatches love their chicken wings. In addition to traditional sauces such as hot, suicide and burning hoop, they also relish sweaty ass, teenage boy closet and Grandpa's Depends.

Long before chicken wings became popular with men who think it's okay to wear ball caps and sneakers on a European vacation, wing-fests were a big deal in the Sasquatch community.

Young adult males often shaved their chins in preparation for gorging orgies that would last up to three days. There's little doubt that this ritual was observed by early Canadian settlers as they railroaded innocent farmers and blew up immigrants.

Will the Sasquatch Kids Ever Learn?

A popular and collectible candy dispenser may have roots in the ancient practice of bending the necks of squirrels backwards until they cough up the contents of their cheeks. Unlike the popular toy, squirrels come with only one head and it can only be removed once – something many young Sasquatches learn the hard way.

Sasquatch Newbie on the Scent

A major Canadian newspaper recently published an article, provided by a major news source, which included the following:

Most experts consider the Bigfoot legend to be a combination of folklore and hoaxes, but there are a number of authors and researchers who think the stories could be true.

Among all Michigan counties, Marquette County has logged the most reported Bigfoot sightings with four, Mr. Moneymaker said.

In all but three of 30 expeditions in the United States and Canada, BFRO investigators have either glimpsed Bigfoot or gotten close enough to hear the creature, Mr. Moneymaker said.

Or gotten close enough to hear the creature?

We at Your Friday Sasquatch Report ask ourselves; who the BigF*&@ gives up the search for Sasquatch when they are close enough to hear it? We sent our summer intern on a mission to track down some of these half-milers and find out what sent them running for their lives.

Sasquatch Scuttles Historic Feat

Physicists studying the failed Snake River Canyon jump in Idaho on September 8, 1974 have concluded that Evel Knievel's Skycycle trajectory varied in accordance to an anomoly that would most likely occur if a Sasquatch stowaway had snuck unboard. Evel did clear the canyon but high winds took hold of his malfunctioning parachute and blew him back into the canyon.

This story reminds us of an Evel Knievel party on Camlaren Crescent in 1972. Boy that was a lot of fun, if you got to play with the damn thing, which we didn't get to, but oh no, we're not still totally pissed off.

Sasquatch Junk

Sasquatch beaches now give bathers the option of wearing tops.

So-called topfull beaches are in response to the increased threat of skin cancer due to a depletion of the earth's ozone layer. A spokesasquatch said, "We spend most of our time in the woods. We're not used to harsh sunlight. Frankly, I've burned my ass a few times and I'm not opposed to anyone seeking a little sensible protection."

Sasquatch purists argue, "Wear the grimy layer of sweat-soaked, smelly hair the good lord gave ya. I'm a Sasquatch and I'm proud."

Land HO! Sasquatch Cruise Memorializes Island Legend

To memorialize the passing of Don Ho, Sasquatches on the Hawaiin islands shaved the upper halves of their bodies and their legs from the knees down. The Hairy Hula Skirt Ritual has never been captured on film and Sasquatches are asking paparazzi to stay focused on the Anna Nicole Smith story for just a few more years.

There will never be another first man of Hawaiin variety television programming.

At Your Friday Sasquatch Report, we'll always remember Don as the handsome dude on the Brady Bunch Episode #074-Hawaii Bound (Part 1) - Season Four. (The famous three-parter that had us biting our nails while Bobby Brady brought bad luck to himself and others by stealing an ancient tiki idol.) Look for fellow funny man Vincent Price in Part 3.

Sasquatch Readers Write

Why don't we hear from Peg the one-legged stripper anymore? Concerned reader.






Dear Concerned,
You should be concerned about yourself. Peg wasn't real. We made her up one afternoon while drinking Jose Cuervo and trying to contact Buddy Hackett on our Ouiji board.

Now, touch your face to the screen and see if you can spell LOSER.

Sasquatch CSI

Experts at the Sasquatch Report Forensic Labratory in South Beach, Miami are analyzing this photo to determine if the boy seen with this sasquatch is real or just a cheap, hand-painted, plywood little boy with a freakishly suspicious smirk. If the boy turns out to be a hoax, Your Friday Sasquatch Report will turn over all files to the Canadian Mounted Police so they can have a laugh over beers.

Eric Von Zipper Liked Sasquatches

As only he could say it, "I like you. And when Eric Von Zipper likes someone, dey stay liked."

Sasquatches in the Cradle

Mesopotamia is considered by many scholars to be the cradle of civilization. This much is true. Uruk pots (found on dig sites) are believed to be one of the first mass-produced consumer goods. This much our Bolivian illegal researchers pretty much guessed.

New research from the Dung Institute suggests that Sasquatches may have inhabited the territory known as the "Fertile Crescent" well before Mesopotamianitesians and it was Sasquatch dung-fertilizer that made the area so conducive to agriculture.

Boy oh boy, it's a small world but you wouldn't want to pick up all the Sasquatch dung with little tiny sandwich bags.

Jose writes: Hey man, go check out Uruk pots on the Worldwide Interweb thing. We don't know how to insert links yet. But hey man, that's how we roll!

Sasquatch Riders Kicked to the Curb

A lower court in Barrie, Ontario ruled that Sasquatches do not meet the legal definition of "Occupant". Salespeople using elderly Sasquatch passengers to take advantage of High Occupancy Vehicle Lanes (HOVs) are disappointed by the decision. A spokeperson for the Mobile Professionals Association said, "Old Sasquatches are just like old people. They like to go for a ride in the car and look out the window. Sure, they smell and they mess themselves, but that's what diapers and car fresheners are for."

Sasquatch Readers Write

Dear Friday Sasquatch Report,
My wife and I are looking for legitimate tour operator who can take us on a Sasquatch site seeing excursion. Can you recommend one?
Desperate couple

Dear Desperate,
Now that I think about it, yes. Try Idiot & Idiot. They’re in the phone book under IDIOT.

Where Sasquatch?

A large Irish Wolfhound in London stood erect to rescue a small child stuck in a tree. He [the bipedal canine] has not been seen since. His owner refuses to tell Police where he bought the animal. The controversy has pitted Werewolf Watchers of London against the local chapter of Friends of Sasquatch. Each is claiming an ontological victory.

In a related story, 63% of American males, 35+ who play video games think Sasquatch could take the Werewolf in an ultimate fight challenge.

Goo Goes on a Limb for Sasquatch Site

Goo, the actress best known for her supporting role on the Gumby and Pokey show, is using her fame to help protect a sacred Sasquatch burial site in Perth. Goo has stretched herself into the shape of a fireman’s tarp and is stopping bulldozers from entering the site. In a related story, a spokesperson for the Blockheads denies that they will be appearing in an upcoming season of the Surreal Life.

Bah Bah Sasquatch

Satellite radio entrepreneurs plan to bring back the popular 1970s television show “Bah Bah Black Sheep” as a radio drama with Sasquatch actors supplying the sound effects for the vintage Corsair war planes. There is speculation the role of Major Gregory “Pappy” Boyington may be played by son-in-law of the late Beer Store Bob.

In a related story, an American tourist was rushed to hospital with a severed left arm after challenging a Sasquatch to “knock the battery off his shoulder”.

Sasquatch. Stupid. Silly. Words That Start With S

Sasquatches in England dropped their discrimination case against a dictionary publisher after admitting that Sasquatch does start with an “s” and shouldn’t be closer to the front of the book.