Monks in France paid Sasquatches to step on grapes because they (the Sasquatches) had big feet. The Sasquatches would go home covered in grape guts and juice. They would squeegie the juice into large pits and then repress the grapes. Thus, Ripasso.
Ripasso is the affordable middle-ground between Valpolicella and Amarone.
At Your Friday Sasquatch Report, we drink Ripasso like it's Bud Light on a cheap U.S. cruise from Miami to Bahamas, purchased last minute by a rapper-wanna-be plant worker and his ho-worker.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Scotch Lovers Toast the Sasquatch
First, a little history, courtesy of Charles MacLean's fine book entitled, Malt Whisky ( a must-read for every scotch enthusiast). According to MacLean, whom we worship here at the Friday Sasquatch Report, "One tradition holds that the mysteries of distilling were borne across the Irish Sea by the Gaelic-speaking Celts who founded the Kingdom of Dalriada on Scotland's western seaboard in the early sixth century, known to history as the Scots. The Scots Gaelic for aqua vitae [water of life] is uisge beatha, (pronounced 'ooshkie bayahah') which was abbreviated to uiskie in the 17th century, and to whiskie by 1715. This much is interesting and true.
Our Bolivian researchers believe that in the late 16th century, distillers in the Islay region discovered that adding one pound of Sasquatch hair to each peat bale gave their regional blends a pungent, woodsy aroma unmatchable by their competitors to the north. The foul aroma given off during fermentation was called gagmae pukahah, which was later abbreviated to gag me, I'm puking.
Our Bolivian researchers believe that in the late 16th century, distillers in the Islay region discovered that adding one pound of Sasquatch hair to each peat bale gave their regional blends a pungent, woodsy aroma unmatchable by their competitors to the north. The foul aroma given off during fermentation was called gagmae pukahah, which was later abbreviated to gag me, I'm puking.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Readers Go Luney for Sasquatches
Years ago, when Your Friday Sasquatch Report was just a simple e-newsletter, we published the following story.
NASA is responding to rumours that the Apollo Space Mission was created for the sole purpose of starting a Sasquatch colony on the moon. The highly secretive space agency is considering a media junket to dispel speculation. No word on which journalists would make the trip.
Since then, we’ve received a number of reports relating to the alleged Sasquatch colony and its lunar antics. Here are just a few.
First generation lunar Sasquatches have grown an average of one foot taller as the low gravity atmosphere relieves pressure on their vertebrae. Since most of the equipment and camping gear left by NASA, was developed for an average-height adult Sasquatch, incidents of back pain and forehead trauma are on the rise.
Sasquatch younglings born into the low-gravity environment adjust and grow quickly. However, the Sasquatch is known for the intensity of its flatulence and it’s common for new-borns to propel themselves out of their cribs. Unable to walk, a “gassy-sassy” (their term, not ours) can easily blast out of sight for days.
Mischievous Sasquatch youth gangs are taking the risk of being viewed from earth as they gouge out the face of “the man on the moon” to look like Cher.
Elder Sasquatches are living longer because they no longer rely on their legs to get around. Instead, they slap the ground, much like angry children, to move from pub to pub. With little or no need to use their giant feet for conventional purposes, many older Sasquatches have taken up knitting. Others are painting greeting cards with their toes. They hope to sell the cards on eBay to raise money for field trips back to earth.
That’s what’s happening on the dark side of the moon, and that’s YOUR Friday Sasquatch. Don’t forget to shave your back and keep your head down.
NASA is responding to rumours that the Apollo Space Mission was created for the sole purpose of starting a Sasquatch colony on the moon. The highly secretive space agency is considering a media junket to dispel speculation. No word on which journalists would make the trip.
Since then, we’ve received a number of reports relating to the alleged Sasquatch colony and its lunar antics. Here are just a few.
First generation lunar Sasquatches have grown an average of one foot taller as the low gravity atmosphere relieves pressure on their vertebrae. Since most of the equipment and camping gear left by NASA, was developed for an average-height adult Sasquatch, incidents of back pain and forehead trauma are on the rise.
Sasquatch younglings born into the low-gravity environment adjust and grow quickly. However, the Sasquatch is known for the intensity of its flatulence and it’s common for new-borns to propel themselves out of their cribs. Unable to walk, a “gassy-sassy” (their term, not ours) can easily blast out of sight for days.
Mischievous Sasquatch youth gangs are taking the risk of being viewed from earth as they gouge out the face of “the man on the moon” to look like Cher.
Elder Sasquatches are living longer because they no longer rely on their legs to get around. Instead, they slap the ground, much like angry children, to move from pub to pub. With little or no need to use their giant feet for conventional purposes, many older Sasquatches have taken up knitting. Others are painting greeting cards with their toes. They hope to sell the cards on eBay to raise money for field trips back to earth.
That’s what’s happening on the dark side of the moon, and that’s YOUR Friday Sasquatch. Don’t forget to shave your back and keep your head down.
Beer Drinking Sasquatch Good Example for Kids
A pregnant motorist on her way to the hospital claims that a Sasquatch youth gang repaired her flat tire by sealing a puncture with ear wax and taking turns manually inflating the tire. She called the tight-knit group “polite and friendly”, stating that she would gladly overlook the missing beer from her trunk if all young men and women would follow the example of the Sasquatch.
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzsasquatch
While shooting a “Heritage Moment” television ad based on the Iroquois/Sasquatch peace treaty, producers discovered ancient song lyrics that bear an eery resemblance to a popular Canadian tune.
A portion of those lyrics are published below with virtually no permission from anyone.
The legend lives on from the Iroquois on down
of the Sasquatch they call Benmulroonie.
The Sasquatch, it’s said, never gets out of bed
when the skies of November turn gloomy.
Full of wild boar, 95 pounds more,
than the Sasquatch weighed just this mornin’.
With big feet and shoes, he continued to chew,
when the gales of November came early
Benmulroonie was the pride of the Sasquatch side
Coming back from some bar in Alberta.
As the big foots go he was bigger than most
half pickled and clearly well seasoned.
Concluding some terms with a media firm
for his honeymoon photos from Cleveland
And later that night he was royally tight
could that be his own pee he’d been feeling.
The gas from his ass made a tattletale sound
and a cloud floated over the railing
And every Sasquatch knew, as the Benmulroonie did, too,
T'was the witch of barley come stealing.
Does anyone know where the love of God goes
when a Sasquatch with gas comes to dinner.
The diners all say they’d have all got away
if they’d put fifteen more miles behind them.
In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Sasquatch Wax Museum.
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
for the tourists who lined up to see’um.
The legend lives on from the Iroquois on down
of the Sasquatch they call Benmulroonie.
The Sasquatch, it’s said, never gets out of bed
when the skies of November turn gloomy.
A portion of those lyrics are published below with virtually no permission from anyone.
The legend lives on from the Iroquois on down
of the Sasquatch they call Benmulroonie.
The Sasquatch, it’s said, never gets out of bed
when the skies of November turn gloomy.
Full of wild boar, 95 pounds more,
than the Sasquatch weighed just this mornin’.
With big feet and shoes, he continued to chew,
when the gales of November came early
Benmulroonie was the pride of the Sasquatch side
Coming back from some bar in Alberta.
As the big foots go he was bigger than most
half pickled and clearly well seasoned.
Concluding some terms with a media firm
for his honeymoon photos from Cleveland
And later that night he was royally tight
could that be his own pee he’d been feeling.
The gas from his ass made a tattletale sound
and a cloud floated over the railing
And every Sasquatch knew, as the Benmulroonie did, too,
T'was the witch of barley come stealing.
Does anyone know where the love of God goes
when a Sasquatch with gas comes to dinner.
The diners all say they’d have all got away
if they’d put fifteen more miles behind them.
In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Sasquatch Wax Museum.
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
for the tourists who lined up to see’um.
The legend lives on from the Iroquois on down
of the Sasquatch they call Benmulroonie.
The Sasquatch, it’s said, never gets out of bed
when the skies of November turn gloomy.
Sasquatch Snub Noses at Uptight French
The French are upset that Canadian Sasquatches may be taking odor-enhancing drugs to fool security dogs at International airports.
Sasquatch Gimmick Good for Bidness
A moving company that claims to use Sasquatches for the “heavy stuff” blindfolds customers when the huge beasts make their appearance. A local competitor says, “Sounds fishy, but it’s darn good marketin’.”
It Hurts to Be Cool at Sasquatch School
According to the Dictionary of Sasquatch Vernacular, Sasquatchismo is what motivates some young males to expose chest hair and live in burned out Trans Ams. Recently-added terms include – Bling sting – the painful condition that results from eating rap artists and passing their undigested jewellery through one’s bowels.
Sasquatches Rock Out of Sight
An abandoned UFO landing site was the location of last weekend's Sasapalooza Festival. Thousands of Sasquatches made the journey to hear an A-list lineup of Sasquatch bands including, The Paul Bunyans and 2 Tall for Malls.
What Rhymes With Sasquatch?
This is a Friday Sasquatch Report World Exclusive.
The following poems were discovered by an obscure German intellectual and sent to the editors of the Friday Sasquatch Report for worldwide distribution.
Be sure to read his notes below.
First Love
To be the sapling you use to brush your teeth!
To be the rock you crush to gravel beneath your foot!
I want to braid wildflowers in the hair between your breasts.
Breakfast
Into the woods the running campers vanish.
Their bacon still spucks on the fire.
Their beer is cold and good.*
*Note the Hemingway-esque tone of this line, which suggests the sasquatch may have found a copy of "The Sun Also Rises" carelessly dropped by a fleeing camper.
Sasquatch Koan
If you call my back hairy, you deny its reality.
If you call it smooth, you deny the fact.
What then will you call my back?
Middle Age
When I rise each morning
a mat of back-hair covers the ground.
Baldness approaches.
The discovery of these four poems represents the fruit of forty years' research. Ever since I was a lederhosened boy in the wooded hills of Bavaria, throwing stones at the hairy mountain men and running squealing back to the safety of the family castle when they chased me; ever since I read of the adventures of my great predecessor, Diogenes Teufelsdrokh, who was stomped to death under mysterious circumstances (how could such circumstances be unmysterious?) while camping in the Okanagan Valley in the early 80s; ever since I first saw a grainy film of a tall, hairy man-like creature running into the trees next to a stream, I have dreamed of the mighty Sasquatch of North America and wondered what his poetry would be like.
I confess these poems are not what I imagined. I expected rough, rugged, primal, primitive poetry about battles with game wardens and heroic raids on campsites; these haiku have forced me to reconsider my entire concept of the sasquatch. Clearly the sasquatch has a quiet, reflective side; there is something almost philosophical in him, a reservoir of glassy calm at the centre of the hairy tornado that we occasionally glimpse in the depths of the forest.
The influence of the Far East on these poems, and particularly on the "Sasquatch Koan", suggests sasquatches may have originally crossed the well-known "land bridge" from Asia to North America, bringing some fragments of Zen philosophy with them.
I will continue my researches into sasquatch poetry, and update the Report with any new findings.
--Dr. Hieronymous Weltschmerz, Teufelsdrokh Chair of Things in General, Professor of Primitive Culture, Vocational College of the Okanagan Valley
The following poems were discovered by an obscure German intellectual and sent to the editors of the Friday Sasquatch Report for worldwide distribution.
Be sure to read his notes below.
First Love
To be the sapling you use to brush your teeth!
To be the rock you crush to gravel beneath your foot!
I want to braid wildflowers in the hair between your breasts.
Breakfast
Into the woods the running campers vanish.
Their bacon still spucks on the fire.
Their beer is cold and good.*
*Note the Hemingway-esque tone of this line, which suggests the sasquatch may have found a copy of "The Sun Also Rises" carelessly dropped by a fleeing camper.
Sasquatch Koan
If you call my back hairy, you deny its reality.
If you call it smooth, you deny the fact.
What then will you call my back?
Middle Age
When I rise each morning
a mat of back-hair covers the ground.
Baldness approaches.
The discovery of these four poems represents the fruit of forty years' research. Ever since I was a lederhosened boy in the wooded hills of Bavaria, throwing stones at the hairy mountain men and running squealing back to the safety of the family castle when they chased me; ever since I read of the adventures of my great predecessor, Diogenes Teufelsdrokh, who was stomped to death under mysterious circumstances (how could such circumstances be unmysterious?) while camping in the Okanagan Valley in the early 80s; ever since I first saw a grainy film of a tall, hairy man-like creature running into the trees next to a stream, I have dreamed of the mighty Sasquatch of North America and wondered what his poetry would be like.
I confess these poems are not what I imagined. I expected rough, rugged, primal, primitive poetry about battles with game wardens and heroic raids on campsites; these haiku have forced me to reconsider my entire concept of the sasquatch. Clearly the sasquatch has a quiet, reflective side; there is something almost philosophical in him, a reservoir of glassy calm at the centre of the hairy tornado that we occasionally glimpse in the depths of the forest.
The influence of the Far East on these poems, and particularly on the "Sasquatch Koan", suggests sasquatches may have originally crossed the well-known "land bridge" from Asia to North America, bringing some fragments of Zen philosophy with them.
I will continue my researches into sasquatch poetry, and update the Report with any new findings.
--Dr. Hieronymous Weltschmerz, Teufelsdrokh Chair of Things in General, Professor of Primitive Culture, Vocational College of the Okanagan Valley
Sasquifacts
The percentage of American teens who believe they are related to a Sasquatch: 12
The percentage of Sasquatches who deny having sex with campers: 99.2
The likelihood of a Sasquatch throwing "an avalanche" (3 consecutive rocks) in Rock, Paper, Scissors match: 1 in 45.
Correlation between the weight of new-borns in Texas to the weight of a Sasquatch tongue: 1:1
Number of US Senators who voted for "Stoop and scoop, and scoop, and scoop, and scoop some more" legislation for Sasquatch caregivers: 13.
Odds that an Oprah Pick was ghost-written by a Sasquatch: 1 in 2,345.
The percentage of Sasquatches who deny having sex with campers: 99.2
The likelihood of a Sasquatch throwing "an avalanche" (3 consecutive rocks) in Rock, Paper, Scissors match: 1 in 45.
Correlation between the weight of new-borns in Texas to the weight of a Sasquatch tongue: 1:1
Number of US Senators who voted for "Stoop and scoop, and scoop, and scoop, and scoop some more" legislation for Sasquatch caregivers: 13.
Odds that an Oprah Pick was ghost-written by a Sasquatch: 1 in 2,345.
Sasquatches Help Smokers Butt Out
A rehab clinic in Fergus Ontario, site of the annual Highland Games, helps ex-smokers fight the craving by building environmentally-friendly outhouses for Sasquatches. The 15-foot-tall, chemically-activated toilets are heli-lifted to remote areas around the world to help reduce the harmful effects of “weapons grade” methane gas produced by the world's Sasquatch community. A spokesperson for the clinic says, “When it comes to cleaning the environment, no butt is too big.”
Sasquatch Facts You Didn't Know
In his new book “Erections That Last”, an Italian architect claims that Sasquatches invented lattice thousands of years ago as portable camouflage. Among the Sasquatch inventions that didn’t stand the test of time: living toilet paper and circular chop sticks.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Luck of the Irish Sasquatch
Turd Fairies are a common theme in Sasquatch Fairy Tales. Parents tell Sasquatch younglings about the Turd Fairies that always grow and multiply wherever there is a Sasquatch turd. Turd Fairies are 4.7 inches tall and 2,000 Turd Fairies can carry away a Sasquatch toddler with ease. “The obvious point of Turd Fairy stories,” says an Irish academic compiling a comprehensive anthology, “is to discourage young Sasquatches from laying turds too close to home.”
In a related story, a Welsh cobbler was imprisoned in 1959 after he and his estranged wife’s second husband executed the country’s most elaborate Turd Fairy hoax. The men attempted to sell photos of Turd Fairies to the local newspaper, claiming they stumbled across a Turd Fairy orgy near an overturned Sasquatch outhouse. “The photos were an obvious hoax,” said a local constable, “everyone knows that Turd Fairies don't wear track pants.”
In a related story, a Welsh cobbler was imprisoned in 1959 after he and his estranged wife’s second husband executed the country’s most elaborate Turd Fairy hoax. The men attempted to sell photos of Turd Fairies to the local newspaper, claiming they stumbled across a Turd Fairy orgy near an overturned Sasquatch outhouse. “The photos were an obvious hoax,” said a local constable, “everyone knows that Turd Fairies don't wear track pants.”
Sasquonomics Overflows Sasquatch Think Tank
A controversial Sasquatch economist was met by protestors when she arrived at an abandoned fringe terrorist cell training camp in northern Saskatchewan to address the members of a Sasquatch social policy think tank. Her speech “The Economics of Transparency and Integration” encourages Sasquatches to join society and petition for human rights. Protestors carried signs that read “Remember the Unicorn” and “Where are the werewolves now? Fatso.”
The Butcher, the Baker and the Sasquatch
There may be a link between secretive European Bakers Guilds and the Sasquatch. Confidential documents leaked to the media suggest that guild meeting halls were constructed to conceal Sasquatch hideouts. Top officials confirm the plausibility of the story saying, “It’s a good cover. Back then, people thought men who baked were, you know, funny like that.”
Tee for Sasquatch
A popular Sasquatch tee shirt reads, “Why call it tourist season if you can’t shoot ‘em.”
Sasquatches Give Birth to Golf Ball
Golf balls may owe their dimpled texture to an ancient Sasquatch hunting ritual, according to a Sasquatch Scouts Training Manual. After inventing the boomerang, Sasquatch hunting parties developed elaborate pre-hunt rituals to coax luck onto their side. In one such ritual, the oldest member of the tribe, with teeth, would chew the boomerang, leaving tiny dimples across the surface. These dimples allowed skilled Sasquatch boomerang hunters to “bend it like Banacek” and hit targets hiding behind trees.*
* The tv series Banacek won an award from the "Polish-American Congress" for positively portraying a Polish-American on television. The cigars that George Peppard smoked on Banacek were Panatelas from Club 21 in New York City. He had smoked the same cigars as Hannibal Smith on "The A-Team". He eventually gave up smoking in 1992 after having a tumor removed from one of his lungs.
* The tv series Banacek won an award from the "Polish-American Congress" for positively portraying a Polish-American on television. The cigars that George Peppard smoked on Banacek were Panatelas from Club 21 in New York City. He had smoked the same cigars as Hannibal Smith on "The A-Team". He eventually gave up smoking in 1992 after having a tumor removed from one of his lungs.
Bad Sasquatch. Bad!
A Sasquatch dominatrix makes her clients brush their teeth and eat fresh, cooked vegetables.
Sasquatch Grip Publishes Moon Landing Tell All
Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon provided lighting kits to the Apollo Astronauts. This according to a new tell-all novel written by a Sasquatch grip employed to operate the equipment. Conspiracy theorists admit that this revelation would explain the "convergent shadow anomoly" at the heart of the lighting controversy. They also believe that the Sasquatch grip from the dark side of the moon is really a Soviet agent, dressed like a Sasquatch.
We love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next little-dick nerd. But we have to ask, "why would a Soviet agent, operating on the dark side of the moon, need a costume?
We're smarter than we look.
We love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next little-dick nerd. But we have to ask, "why would a Soviet agent, operating on the dark side of the moon, need a costume?
We're smarter than we look.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Next Stop: Sasquatch Air Fresheners
In the men's bathroom at our secret headquarters we have a can of air freshener. It's called "Country Scent". I grew up in the country. Most days, it smelled a lot like fertilizer and cow shit.
This made the editorial staff at Your Friday Sasquatch Report wonder what kind of scents Sasquatches (who live in the country) would choose to mask their world-famous odor.
Here are the leading products in the air freshener/solid (non-plug-in) category sold at secret locations to Sasquatches the world over.
Transit Pits
A moist, pungent scent simulating the armpit stench of a multi-ethnic crowd on a downtown subway car.
Dirty Ass
A mixture of butt sweat and incontenence, suggesting a Euchre at downtown, human rest home.
Dance of the Dentures
Dry plastic cup scum and rotting beets take the soul back to gentler times at Grandpa's house.
Coal Burner
A free-enerprise, unregulated, smog-filled gasoline vapor that stings the eyes and sticks to clothes.
This made the editorial staff at Your Friday Sasquatch Report wonder what kind of scents Sasquatches (who live in the country) would choose to mask their world-famous odor.
Here are the leading products in the air freshener/solid (non-plug-in) category sold at secret locations to Sasquatches the world over.
Transit Pits
A moist, pungent scent simulating the armpit stench of a multi-ethnic crowd on a downtown subway car.
Dirty Ass
A mixture of butt sweat and incontenence, suggesting a Euchre at downtown, human rest home.
Dance of the Dentures
Dry plastic cup scum and rotting beets take the soul back to gentler times at Grandpa's house.
Coal Burner
A free-enerprise, unregulated, smog-filled gasoline vapor that stings the eyes and sticks to clothes.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Sasquatch Readers Write
Dear FSR,
Why don't we hear more about Sasquatch architects and industrial designers?
Dear Gentle Reader,
Normally, we make fun of people who ask questions about Sasquatches. But in your case, we feel compelled to respond. Most Sasquatch designers simply don't find a market for their ideas in the human world because Sasquatches are really big and people aren't.
The most talented Sasquatch designers are forced to modify or downgrade their ideas to reach the lucrative human market for automobiles, furniture, lazy Susans and "battery-operated" devices of pleasure.
Typically, a Sasquatch designer will sell his or her idea to a human such as Leonardo DaVinci and use the money to finance inner-forest Sasquatch youth programs, such as "Don't Screw Human Campers, They're Gross (DSHCTG).
So think about that the next time you cram your over-paid, hairless, human ass into the cockpit of your Audi TT.
P.S. You're ugly and stop sending us intelligent questions.
Why don't we hear more about Sasquatch architects and industrial designers?
Dear Gentle Reader,
Normally, we make fun of people who ask questions about Sasquatches. But in your case, we feel compelled to respond. Most Sasquatch designers simply don't find a market for their ideas in the human world because Sasquatches are really big and people aren't.
The most talented Sasquatch designers are forced to modify or downgrade their ideas to reach the lucrative human market for automobiles, furniture, lazy Susans and "battery-operated" devices of pleasure.
Typically, a Sasquatch designer will sell his or her idea to a human such as Leonardo DaVinci and use the money to finance inner-forest Sasquatch youth programs, such as "Don't Screw Human Campers, They're Gross (DSHCTG).
So think about that the next time you cram your over-paid, hairless, human ass into the cockpit of your Audi TT.
P.S. You're ugly and stop sending us intelligent questions.
Unmanned Opportunity for Savvy Sasquatches
At a recent Mine's Bigger Than Yours military trade show, hundreds of companies displayed a wide range of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs). Known for their passivism and savvy investing techniques, Sasquatches around the world invested in rubber bands and batteries.
Sasquatch on Cutting Room Floor
Cleaning staff at a prominent studio recently discovered footage from an unaired episode of Gilligan's Island, labelled Panic in the Hammock.
The grainy footage shows Lovey encountered a Sasquatch sleeping in Thurston's hammock. Mayhem ensues. Then a little more mayhem. After lots of mayhem, they share a smoke.
Evidently, smoking was not considered suitable for the young viewing audience.
The grainy footage shows Lovey encountered a Sasquatch sleeping in Thurston's hammock. Mayhem ensues. Then a little more mayhem. After lots of mayhem, they share a smoke.
Evidently, smoking was not considered suitable for the young viewing audience.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Sasquatches Celebrate 6 Weeks of Weight Gain
This week, Sasquatches released a 70-pound Olsen twin into the wild.
She didn't cast a shadow - forecasting six more weeks of weight gain for Sasquatches.
She didn't cast a shadow - forecasting six more weeks of weight gain for Sasquatches.
Sasquatch New Year Resolutions
Exit polling conducted at the massive FREE SEX in OH SIX new year's eve party that took place in northern Manitoba revealed this year's list of top Sasquatch new year resolutions.
Drink more.
Get photographed less.
Evolve.
Gain weight.
Stop snacking on Asians.
Expose David Blaine.
Drink more.
Get photographed less.
Evolve.
Gain weight.
Stop snacking on Asians.
Expose David Blaine.
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