A Breath of Bad Air

A two million dollar scientific grant was given to a chemist in Turkey who proved that while Sasquatch breath can bring a penny back to its original shine faster than any commercially prepared colas, it’s just not as refreshing. We applaud this use of tax dollars. Right now, our team of researchers is attempting to determine if 19 pints of Guinness will get you more pissed than two. We hope to receive funding shortly.

Amish Sasquatches Raise Eyebrows

A set of pencil sketches sold at an auction in Acton, Ontario have some historians raising an eyebrow. The sketches depict the various stages of an Amish barn raising. Several thin lines, depicting ropes, extend beyond the borders of the scenes. When the sketches were removed from their frames, the canvas revealed that the lines disappeared behind large hay stacks. This leads many Sasquatchologists to believe that Sasquatches and the Amish may have bonded over their mutual refrain from using electricity. Several members of both communities have denied the connection in messages sent on their Blackberries.

A Tasty Dorsal About Sasquatch Feet

A US Oceanographer claims that Dolphins have as many words for “Sasquatch” as the Inuit do for “Snow”. Being vain and superior-minded, dolphins have no word for “feet”.

Big Foot Lost in Translation

A Chinese manufacturer of odor absorbent insoles voluntarily withdrew a series of ads running in English newspapers throughout Europe. Those in the “cleaner than pigs” camp within the Sasquatch community took offence when the company’s slogan “Kills Strong Foot Odor” was translated into: EATS BIG FOOT ODOR.

Big Feet. Big Hearts. Big Success

Sasquatches from all over the Northwest Territories took part in this year’s Cab for the Cure. A spokesSasquatch, commented, “These guys spend a lot of time on their feet. It’s not fair to ask them to bike, jog or skate for charity.” Sasqatches can choose between a 5K cab ride or the more demanding 10K.

Kinky Sasquatch Encounter Confirms Myth

A woman in the United States claims that she had a romantic threesome with former basketball great Wilt Chamberlain and a Sasquatch from Canada's west coast. Asked to comment on the experience, she said, "You know what they say about big feet."

Canadian Novel Leads to Sasquatch Tragedy

A shot was fired through the window of a drycleaner in Michigan when a pedestrian noticed the owner of the store wrestling with a large brown duvet and mistook the situation as a Sasquatch attack. The shooter claimed to be particularly vulnerable to suggestion after reading the Canadian novel "Monkey Beach." [Reprint.]

Sasquatch Painters Tower Over Paris

A new book that explores the contribution of Sasquatches to modern architecture and design suggests that Sasquatches may have been ordered to paint the Eifel Tower as a form of community service. The sentence was handed down after dozens of Sasquatches partied all night atop the famous monument, throwing empty wine bottles at tourists and relieving themselves without discretion. Brindle shit brown was the only colour that would mask the damage.

Sasquatches Go Crusing

According to a San Diego news source, the number of Californians that reported seeing a Sasquatch last week was the same as the number of Sasquatches who reported seeing Tom Cruse's baby. A local math teacher, at the elementary school, who started out as the phys. ed teacher, but had to learn, and take on, math after a colleague overdosed, said about the statistical coincidence, "Yeah, that is kinda weird. How would Sasquatches know where to find Tom Cruse's baby?"

Sasquatch Not So Idol Anymore

This report was sent to us by a foreign correspondent. We enjoy receiving stories from around the world because we can spend less time researching and more time drinking Lagavulin. That's right, Lagavulin, the scotch made famous in David Eddie's novel "Chump Change".

American Idol’s first Sasquatch contestant was eliminated this week after delivering a controversial performance. The Elvis impersonator – Smelvis – had previously been a fan favorite, and drove a spike in the ratings with his renditions of "All Shook Up" and "Blue Suede Shoes." Extensive damage to the stage aside, the producers were delighted with the increased viewership. However, he took a creative gamble by singing his original country tune "Itchin’ for Lovin’" and plummeted out of favour. Smelvis said that he needed to break out creatively, and would take that same chance again. He always knew this could happen, and simply plans on returning to his day job as an esthetician in Brooklyn.

Sasquatches Breath Easy in Airborn Crisis

According to the Centre for Disease Hysteria, Sasquatches are able to grow facial hair at will. This allows them to produce a thick, hairy face mask, on a moment's notice. When the threat of airborne contamination is over, they simply cut the hair off and go back about their business. We at the Sasquatch Report wonder if Andy Rhooney has the same control over his eyebrows.

Canine In-breeding Threatens Sasquatch Safety

In-breeding of canines to produce cute, urban-sounding names like cock-a-pooh (think about that) has lead to fewer and fewer breeds being born able to speak Sasquatch. It's a well documented fact that dogs have protected Sasquatches for millions of years by leading hunters away.

Ancient Sasquatch Shot Put Alters Human History

Early humans couldn't decide. Should we live in trees? Should we live on the ground? There's no doubt that the early homosapiens who chose the ground did better for themselves. But new evidence suggests that they may not have made this decision on their own. It turns out that Sasquatch younglings often threw rocks at the shorter, less-hairy pre-humans to knock them out of trees. Two points for a hit. Double if you caught them in your mouth. The dense canopy of leaves prevented a long, arching shot, so heavy rocks had to be flung vertically, up the trunk. This motion, we would recognize as the shot put.