Canadian PM Not Carrying Sasquatch Love Child

Rumours that the Canadian Prime Minister is pregnant with a Sasquatch baby have been vehemently denied by Sasquatch officials, quote: “The reverse effect on evolution could set off a cosmic chain reaction of William Shatner proportion.” We don’t know what that means.

You Made Us Do It. We Didn't Want a Druid.

A self-proclaimed Druidist claims that the monuments at Stone Henge contain giant Sasquatches frozen in suspended animation like Han Solo in Stars. He denies allegations that he is just another science wienie with an Internet connection and musty old copies of National Geographic hidden in his Big Jim camper.

Sasquatch Collector Stamps Due Soon

“Hollywood bombshells” will be the theme for the latest run of Sasquatch collector stamps. Bride of Godzilla, will go on sale at select Sasquatch Post locations starting in February 2007.

Sasquatches Go Out on a Limb for Mentally Ill

The DMS, the world’s Who’s Who of Mental Illness has added Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) to its list of acknowledge mental illnesses (this much is actually true). People who suffer from BIID choose to have healthy limbs amputated (so far, so true). A philosophical debate is raging. Should physicians perform this unnecessary surgery to prevent BIID sufferers from performing their own home amputations? In response, the Sasquatch community has volunteered to chew off any unwanted limbs for free.

More Useless Sasquatch Facts

All Sasquatches complete a mandatory PHD in psychiatry by the age of 30.

No Sasquatches smoke. Their snot is flammable.

Sasquatch Readers Write

Dear FSR,
I’m tired of all the obviously pubescent gags about farts in the Sasquatch Report. Are you guys adults? Do your parents know that you do this?

Dear A. Dult,

You can ask any of the Bolivian illegals locked downstairs in our research department, they will tell you that we run a clean, professional, adult operation here. If you need a band to play at the ceremony when your sense of humour arrives, call us. Oops gotta go let one. See ya.

Dear FSR,
I hate the Sasquatch and I want to opt out. How do I do that?

Dear Loser,
If you really want to opt out, we suggest sleeping pills and vodka. Frankly, it sounds like you opted out a long time ago. Pop, pop, glug, glug, oh what a relief it is.

Until next time, live clean, stay away from drugs and vodka, keep your head down and DON’T forget to shave your back.

Yes. Sasquatches Celebrate Christmas.

This time of year, a lot of readers ask, "Do Sasquatches Celebrate Christmas?"

Yes they do. Sasquatches are hard-drinking, loafing, financially independent, high-ranking members of the mythical food chain. They have access to beer, virtually no sexual taboos and remarkable stamina. They celebrate every national and religious holiday, oftening partying from one holiday to the next.

Today, Sasquatches around the world are observing the Festival of Lights (Israel). Tomorrow, they will celebrate Separation Day (Anguilla) and the day after that is Square Dance Til You Puke Or Someone Pops a Cap in Yer Ass Day (A small number of ZIP codes in Texas).

Sasquatches of Arts and Letters

When Canadian author and icon Mordecai Richler died, Random House Canada, his publisher, commissioned a typeface to be created in his honour, called of course, Richler. This much is true.

It's also true that a number of the fonts we have on our computers, here at the head office of Your Friday Sasquatch Report, are also named after celebrated writers, including alphabetically Byron, Cicero, Dante and Swift. This much is true.

A Spanish design firm recently created Big Foot, a typeface that celebrates the disproportionate aspects of Sasquatch anatomy. The feet are large, all ascendors are slightly hunched and it's particularly hard to see, except at dawn, and then only for a few seconds.

What's New at Sasquatch Zoo?

The most popular exhibits at the Sasquatch public zoo in San Hillary, are 1. postman 2. Jimmy Hoffa 3. Elvis 4. Stay-at-home husband 5. Unicorn 6. Gene Rayburn 7. Sneazy

Sleep Tight Smelly Sasquatch

“Imagine a world with no mufflers.” This is the first line of a doctoral thesis published last week through the faculty of music studies at a prominent Irish university. The newly crowned doctor traces modern automobile mufflers to Australian Aboriginal didgeridoos (a long musical instrument like a trumpet that turns fluttering lip movement into moose calls). However, the thesis suggests, the didgeridoo was inspired by a nighttime flatulence suppressant used by Sasquatches to muffler nocturnal gas. Today, the use of nighttime fart mufflers is almost exclusively ceremonial, much like didgeridoo playing and using mufflers to disguise the true environmental impact of internal combustion engines. And so, as the Judge says, the dance goes on.

Our Readers Write

Dear FSR,
I didn’t receive a Sasquatch Report last week, or the week before. What gives?

Dear You Should Surf Porn Instead,
Our new software is able to detect Sasquatch Report readers who are not wearing any clothes or are clearly intoxicated. It blocks our message under the “Sanctity of Pure Scientific Communications” statute. Sorry big guy.

Let's Ask a Sasquatch

Scientists in Argentina recently got the opportunity to ask a panel of Sasquatches the question that every skeptic has been asking in his, or her, Sasquatch-hating, tiny, little, brain - why haven't you evolved? The Sasquatch panel responded, "when you get here, you'll know." Then they ate them.

What can we say? We can barely afford the heat and hydro it takes to keep our team of illegal Bolivian musician researchers busy. We can't fact check everything. Maybe there are weapons of mass defecation in every Sasquatch ass??? We don't know. Damn it Jim, we're just fake journalists.

Like You Needed More Sasquatch Drama

A new poll suggests that hide-out makeover programs are now the most popular shows on Sasquatch satellite television. Audiences particularly enjoy the heightened drama toward the end of each episode when the host pretends to be running out of time. "Save My Cave" and "Wait Til Your Sasquatch Daddy Gets Home" are neck-and-neck for the number one spot.

This begs the question, "Why don't we see more Sasquatch hide-out makeover shows on Swedish cable?"

Sasquatch Opera and Sweden - a Headshaker.

An all-Sasquatch opera made its debut in Sweden this week. "Pleasures of the Groin, a Forest Tale" delighted a packed house and prompted one critic to ask, "Why don't we see more all-Sasquatch operas?" We ask ourselves, "Is that all it takes to be a Swedish opera critic?"

Anal Retentive Sasquatch Plea - Ga-Ross.

We rarely donate space to special interest groups, but we recently received a very emotional letter from a reader. He is a Physician working with Doctors Without Shame. He and his colleagues have spent the last year in the field, performing free colo-rectal exams on Sasquatches, checking for early signs of Cancer and amassing a collection of odd souvenirs. On behalf of Dr. Morris Better, we are publishing the following plea:

"Would the Sasquatch who stole my wrist watch please return it. I don't know how you did that, but I want it back. It has great sentimental value. I applaud your muscular dexterity but I want my watch back. A reward is offered. Please wash the watch and mail it in confidence to the good folks at the Sasquatch Report. No charges will be filed."

Well, we certainly wish Dr. Better all the luck in the world.

Strange But True Sasquatch Fact

Sasquatches have no word for plunger.

Sasquatches Go Astray

Members of a fringe Sasquatch anti-domesticity movement in Maui were convicted of impersonating an animal services group for the purpose of illegally acquiring stray animals. No word if this is part of the group’s relocation or barbeque strategy.

Sasquatches No Speaky Italiano Eh

Peace Officers in Nunavut, Canada arrested 14 Sasquatches and several members of Nunavut’s Italian Relations Department at a protest rally. Protestors claimed that Dr. Awan Ashada-Morfin was being illegally held in a province-run halfway house. The Sasquatches held up signs while the Italian delegates chanted FREE-ASHADA-MORFIN. The protest attracted a large and unruly crowd of underemployed locals.

Must Be a Western Sasquatch Thing

A Sasquatch artist in residence at a prominent Western Ontario University has completed a taxidermy exhibit that depicts ‘the influence of the Sasquatch on the outcome of the War of 1812’.

Classic Sasquatch Media Bashing

The world-famous Brazilian Sasquatch Cellist, Amori Chistollini, winner of several Platinum Music Awards, a Fellow of the Christian Sasquatch Brotherhood, inventor of Insullin (although he lost the patent in a poker game in London, Ontario), founder of the Feed the Humans movement, father of 83 Sasquatch and human offspring, devout teacher and renowned philanthropist, has been widely criticized in the media for having a really silly name for a Sasquatch.

Sasquatches Rock!

Recent drillings suggest that during the Pleistocene Ice Age an outdoor Sasquatch concert created an artificial earthquake (think Madness, London, mid 80s), that led to the severing of the land bridge, and the creation on the North American continent.

Strange But True Sasquatch Fact

All Sasquatches complete a mandatory PHD in psychiatry by the age of 30.

CSI Sasquatch

The blood and tissue makeup of male Sasquatches prevents them from reaching terminal velocity when falling. If a male and a female Sasquatch jumped off of a building at the same time, the female would land first. But the difference in the two times would not be significant enough to allow the male to land on the female and break his fall.

Sasquatch Logs Make a Difference

Thousands of Sasquatches showed up last month for a highly unusual charity home build in Manitoba, Canada. It took the volunteer mass just five days to construct an authentic log home, made from you guessed it, Sasquatch “logs”.