The Sasquatch is Dead. Long live the King.

Imagine our shock when one of our illegal Bolivian researches came across this weird Sasquatch connection while playing the woody pipe in the subway this morning.

Shoot you not. These are Elvis Presley lyrics:

Big Boots (draw your own conclusions, my loyal readers)
(words & music by Wayne - Edwards)
They call your daddy Big Boots
And Big Boots is his name
It takes a big man to wear big boots
That's your daddy's claim to fame
They know your daddy Big Boots
Wherever soldiers are
'Cause he can handle an armored tank
Just like a kiddy can
So sleep little soldier
Don't you cry
Loo loo loo loo
Loo loo loo
General sandman's soon coming by
Loo loo loo loo
Loo loo loo
I'm gonna tell you a little secret
You won't believe it's true
Did you know your
Daddy Big Boots
Once wore little boots like you

C'mon sexy, who's your Daddy Big Boots?

Irony of Sasquatch Ironies

According to a recent Pol (really, he just relocated), only 11% of Sasquatch believe in a “hobbit-like” species of human, given the scientific name of Homo Floresiensis, shown here looking like a dwarf Dr. Zeus preparing to bed an inflatable rat doll.

Cryptozoologists call the creature Orang Pendek.

Of course they do. And we think that's ok.

Sasquatch Nails Russian in Snowbank

With the first snow fall barely on the ground, a Sasquatch in Canada's Northwest Territories has set a new world record for pee writing.

After drinking a bladder-busting 156 bottles of Canadian beer, he managed to write the entire first line of Tolstoy's classic, 'Anna Karenina'.

'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'

This photo is Tolstoy, not a Sasquatch.

The Dropkick on Sasquatch Rumour

The rumour that the Irish mega-drinking band, The DROPKICK MURPHYS will not perform without at least one Sasquatch in the audience is just that - a rumour. But of all the rumours our team of illegal Bolivian researchers uncover, this one makes the most sense to us.

Rising Canadian Dollar Good for Sasquatches

Blame the new intern on our research team for this one.

A noted demographer hypothesizes that the rise of the Canadian dollar againt the Yankee Greenback will keep American hunters and fisherpeople away Canada's fresh-water haven, creating more privacy for Sasquatches, triggering the 45th Sasquatch Baby Boom in recorded history.

Sasquatches Forgiven for Mount Sasqumore Stunt

Sasquatches in Southern Italy were forgiven for carving their version of Mount Rushmore into the side of an open-pit marble mining site. Instead of dead presidents, the Sasquatch hooligans carved chubby dead comediens Buddy Hackett, Jonathan Harshman Winters and Benny Hill alongside future Hall-of-Famer Chevy Chase. Bob Newhart's people had no comment on why the aging megacomic was overlooked for the predictable Chase.

Sasquatch Urine Key to Old Growth Forest Growth

An unknown and unconfirmed Canadian Scientist has released a paper hypothesizing that Sasquatch urine is essential to the maintenance of old growth forests.

In his words, "Well, those guys hide in the woods and they drink a lot of beer, eh, so they must have to pee like a race horse and since they can't pee in the local buses like the other fellas do, they must be pee'n in the woods, and the woods is big so yu gotta go figure eh?"

Between us Sasquatch geeks: Our team of Bolivian researchers didn't spend a lot of time fact-checking this one. We're just gonna roll with it.

Sasquatch Seal Saviours Save Sailors

Sasquatches protesting the seal hunt in Northern Canada rallied to save the occupants of a shipwrecked sailboat, according to a credible, sober source making a meager living as a freelance journalist and full-time alcoholic.

As the story goes, a group of teens ran ashore and several hundred Sasquatches took the time to form a rescue sign along the icy coast. Using their large, hairy bodies 200 Sasquatches were able to spell, "YO, HELICOPTER DUDE, THE STUPID-ASS KIDS ARE HERE. HURRY, OR WE'LL EAT THEIR SORRY ASSES."

A spokesasquatch said, "The threat was an attempt to instill a sense of urgency. We had no plans to eat the yuppy puppies. We just wanted them the hell off of our nude bathing beach."

Sasquatch Home Fart Kit

A German toy manufacturer has created a Sasquatch Home Fart Kit. No shit!

Kids sign up for monthly newsletters with instructions on how to recreate an authentic Sasquatch fart. This month, kids received a recipe for "Memories of Asian Tourist with Tripod and Nikon".

2 cups, sake

1 aged sneaker insole

Mirin, a versatile seasoning made by a natural process, using only cultured rice (koji) and pure spring water, with a little sea salt added before bottling.

Expired eggs

Combine ingredients in an empty Guinness can and flame the heck out of it with a Creme Brule torch.

You've Come a Long Way Sasquatch

In the depths of the Mariana Trench, the deepest point in the Pacific ocean, lives a trasparent shrimp-like thing. Transparent? Tough to see? Evolution? Connect the dots.

Sasquatch Facial Scare

Sasquatches love their chicken wings. In addition to traditional sauces such as hot, suicide and burning hoop, they also relish sweaty ass, teenage boy closet and Grandpa's Depends.

Long before chicken wings became popular with men who think it's okay to wear ball caps and sneakers on a European vacation, wing-fests were a big deal in the Sasquatch community.

Young adult males often shaved their chins in preparation for gorging orgies that would last up to three days. There's little doubt that this ritual was observed by early Canadian settlers as they railroaded innocent farmers and blew up immigrants.

Will the Sasquatch Kids Ever Learn?

A popular and collectible candy dispenser may have roots in the ancient practice of bending the necks of squirrels backwards until they cough up the contents of their cheeks. Unlike the popular toy, squirrels come with only one head and it can only be removed once – something many young Sasquatches learn the hard way.

Sasquatch Newbie on the Scent

A major Canadian newspaper recently published an article, provided by a major news source, which included the following:

Most experts consider the Bigfoot legend to be a combination of folklore and hoaxes, but there are a number of authors and researchers who think the stories could be true.

Among all Michigan counties, Marquette County has logged the most reported Bigfoot sightings with four, Mr. Moneymaker said.

In all but three of 30 expeditions in the United States and Canada, BFRO investigators have either glimpsed Bigfoot or gotten close enough to hear the creature, Mr. Moneymaker said.

Or gotten close enough to hear the creature?

We at Your Friday Sasquatch Report ask ourselves; who the BigF*&@ gives up the search for Sasquatch when they are close enough to hear it? We sent our summer intern on a mission to track down some of these half-milers and find out what sent them running for their lives.

Sasquatch Scuttles Historic Feat

Physicists studying the failed Snake River Canyon jump in Idaho on September 8, 1974 have concluded that Evel Knievel's Skycycle trajectory varied in accordance to an anomoly that would most likely occur if a Sasquatch stowaway had snuck unboard. Evel did clear the canyon but high winds took hold of his malfunctioning parachute and blew him back into the canyon.

This story reminds us of an Evel Knievel party on Camlaren Crescent in 1972. Boy that was a lot of fun, if you got to play with the damn thing, which we didn't get to, but oh no, we're not still totally pissed off.

Sasquatch Junk

Sasquatch beaches now give bathers the option of wearing tops.

So-called topfull beaches are in response to the increased threat of skin cancer due to a depletion of the earth's ozone layer. A spokesasquatch said, "We spend most of our time in the woods. We're not used to harsh sunlight. Frankly, I've burned my ass a few times and I'm not opposed to anyone seeking a little sensible protection."

Sasquatch purists argue, "Wear the grimy layer of sweat-soaked, smelly hair the good lord gave ya. I'm a Sasquatch and I'm proud."

Land HO! Sasquatch Cruise Memorializes Island Legend

To memorialize the passing of Don Ho, Sasquatches on the Hawaiin islands shaved the upper halves of their bodies and their legs from the knees down. The Hairy Hula Skirt Ritual has never been captured on film and Sasquatches are asking paparazzi to stay focused on the Anna Nicole Smith story for just a few more years.

There will never be another first man of Hawaiin variety television programming.

At Your Friday Sasquatch Report, we'll always remember Don as the handsome dude on the Brady Bunch Episode #074-Hawaii Bound (Part 1) - Season Four. (The famous three-parter that had us biting our nails while Bobby Brady brought bad luck to himself and others by stealing an ancient tiki idol.) Look for fellow funny man Vincent Price in Part 3.

Sasquatch Readers Write

Why don't we hear from Peg the one-legged stripper anymore? Concerned reader.






Dear Concerned,
You should be concerned about yourself. Peg wasn't real. We made her up one afternoon while drinking Jose Cuervo and trying to contact Buddy Hackett on our Ouiji board.

Now, touch your face to the screen and see if you can spell LOSER.

Sasquatch CSI

Experts at the Sasquatch Report Forensic Labratory in South Beach, Miami are analyzing this photo to determine if the boy seen with this sasquatch is real or just a cheap, hand-painted, plywood little boy with a freakishly suspicious smirk. If the boy turns out to be a hoax, Your Friday Sasquatch Report will turn over all files to the Canadian Mounted Police so they can have a laugh over beers.

Eric Von Zipper Liked Sasquatches

As only he could say it, "I like you. And when Eric Von Zipper likes someone, dey stay liked."

Sasquatches in the Cradle

Mesopotamia is considered by many scholars to be the cradle of civilization. This much is true. Uruk pots (found on dig sites) are believed to be one of the first mass-produced consumer goods. This much our Bolivian illegal researchers pretty much guessed.

New research from the Dung Institute suggests that Sasquatches may have inhabited the territory known as the "Fertile Crescent" well before Mesopotamianitesians and it was Sasquatch dung-fertilizer that made the area so conducive to agriculture.

Boy oh boy, it's a small world but you wouldn't want to pick up all the Sasquatch dung with little tiny sandwich bags.

Jose writes: Hey man, go check out Uruk pots on the Worldwide Interweb thing. We don't know how to insert links yet. But hey man, that's how we roll!

Sasquatch Riders Kicked to the Curb

A lower court in Barrie, Ontario ruled that Sasquatches do not meet the legal definition of "Occupant". Salespeople using elderly Sasquatch passengers to take advantage of High Occupancy Vehicle Lanes (HOVs) are disappointed by the decision. A spokeperson for the Mobile Professionals Association said, "Old Sasquatches are just like old people. They like to go for a ride in the car and look out the window. Sure, they smell and they mess themselves, but that's what diapers and car fresheners are for."

Sasquatch Readers Write

Dear Friday Sasquatch Report,
My wife and I are looking for legitimate tour operator who can take us on a Sasquatch site seeing excursion. Can you recommend one?
Desperate couple

Dear Desperate,
Now that I think about it, yes. Try Idiot & Idiot. They’re in the phone book under IDIOT.

Where Sasquatch?

A large Irish Wolfhound in London stood erect to rescue a small child stuck in a tree. He [the bipedal canine] has not been seen since. His owner refuses to tell Police where he bought the animal. The controversy has pitted Werewolf Watchers of London against the local chapter of Friends of Sasquatch. Each is claiming an ontological victory.

In a related story, 63% of American males, 35+ who play video games think Sasquatch could take the Werewolf in an ultimate fight challenge.

Goo Goes on a Limb for Sasquatch Site

Goo, the actress best known for her supporting role on the Gumby and Pokey show, is using her fame to help protect a sacred Sasquatch burial site in Perth. Goo has stretched herself into the shape of a fireman’s tarp and is stopping bulldozers from entering the site. In a related story, a spokesperson for the Blockheads denies that they will be appearing in an upcoming season of the Surreal Life.

Bah Bah Sasquatch

Satellite radio entrepreneurs plan to bring back the popular 1970s television show “Bah Bah Black Sheep” as a radio drama with Sasquatch actors supplying the sound effects for the vintage Corsair war planes. There is speculation the role of Major Gregory “Pappy” Boyington may be played by son-in-law of the late Beer Store Bob.

In a related story, an American tourist was rushed to hospital with a severed left arm after challenging a Sasquatch to “knock the battery off his shoulder”.

Sasquatch. Stupid. Silly. Words That Start With S

Sasquatches in England dropped their discrimination case against a dictionary publisher after admitting that Sasquatch does start with an “s” and shouldn’t be closer to the front of the book.

A Dull Moment? Not On My Sasquatch!

In Halifax, Sasquatches raised money for substance abuse at this year’s annual One Big Foot in Front of the Other Comedy Festival for Crack Heads and Dopes. Among the performers was the 2,700 pound “jolly giant” who entertained the crowd with his version of 1950s white guy Catskills humour. With a grunt and one, two, three:

“A human doctor asked if I know what my resting heart rate is. I said yes. It’s my only heart rate.”

“The boss says, hey Jolly, are you workin’ out? I say I guess so. You haven’t fired me yet.”

“My human doctor told me to get some more fresh air. Now I drive with the windows down.”

“Someone told me that taking the dog around the block would be good for me. He jumped out the car window.”

“The guidance councilor told me to run for student council. I couldn’t catch any of them.”

Knotty Anniversary

Sasquatches the world over met to mourn on the anniversary of the death of comedian Don Knotts. “Don was a good guy”, says a Sasquatch spokessasquatch. “He was the first comedian in Hollywood to use Sasquatch boom operators. He appreciated our added height. He said it gave him room to be wacky.”

The Easter Edition

The Easter story is true. Of course it is – things like that happen all the time. Who wouldn’t believe it?

But we at the Sasquatch Report thought it would be fun to rifle through our archives and dig out some lesser-known Easter rumours.

We start with the escape from the cave. As the story goes, Ory, a very famous Sasquatch golfer hit the drive of his life – a soaring fade that would inspire even Dave and Toph. The ball rocketed 600 yards off course and rolled under a boulder that was blocking the entrance to a cave. When Ory got to the cave, he found a group of men in sandals gathered around it. He waited for the group to fall asleep and then hoisted the huge rock out of the way and went in to look for his ball. Inside, he found a hairy young man who said, “Dude, is this your ball?” Ory said yes and thanked the young fella for not moving it. “Yes sir,” said the hairy young dude from Nazareth, “I know that it’s a penalty to move your ball.” The Sasquatch was so impressed with the man’s honesty and respect for golf etiquette, that he invited him to play the back nine with him. As the rumour goes, they spent the afternoon together and the Sasquatch said, “Young hairy dude from Nazareth, you are honest and wise, you should write a book.” At the time, it was more sarcastic than inspirational. Throughout the day, they discussed characters and plot structure while inventing interesting golf formats such as Match Play, Stroke Play, Calcutta and Bingo-Bango-Bongo. At the end of the round the young hairy dude from Nazareth decided not to return to the cave. He now had a mission and a new found love of golf, thanks to Ory the Sasquatch Amateur champion of the year 32 AD. And, as they say, the rest is ‘his’ story (the hair dude that is).


The next rumour involves everyone’s favourite Easter treat, the chocolate bunny. There are those who believe that chocolate bunnies were originally a prank gift, like chocolate penises at bridal showers. It all stems from an old Sasquatch joke that goes something like this: A Sasquatch and a bunny are taking dump in the woods. The Sasquatch says, “Hey little bunny, do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?” The bunny says, “No.” So, the Sasquatch says, “Great”, picks up the bunny and uses it to wipe his ass. And, as they say, the rest is his story (the bunny that is).

Finally, we come to the painted chicken egg. Sasquatch lute players were often employed to play calming music in chicken coups. The music relaxed the chickens, resulting in more eggs laid. But, according the Minula Indians the type of music played could affect the colour of the eggs laid. Hard rock lute = white. Jazz lute = brown. Classical lute = orange. A combination of all three colours = poultry hemorrhoids.

Believe what you want, we do. That’s your Easter Edition of the Sasquatch Report. Until next time, don’t forget to shave your back, and keep your head down and your balls on the fairway.

Thank the Sasquatch for St. Paddy's Day

Connecting the history dots.
Sasquatches had been drinking heavily in Ireland.
St. Patrick arrived and "banished" the snakes.
Truth is, snakes never went to Ireland because of the stench of Sasquatch "paddies".
St. Patrick says, "Keep mu wee secret and ull pay fur yer beers."
The rest is rumour and history mingling like hops and barley to bring you, our loyal reader, a little pleasure.
Until next time, dunnu forget to keep yur ed doon and shave yur bock.

Lights. Camera. No Sasquatch.

Q. Why do Sasquatches take media training courses?

A. Because no one wants a big foot in their mouth!

Okay, it’s a dumb joke. But it’s been part of the opening address at the Sasquatch Media Training facility in Washington D.C. since the school opened in 1967.

Sasquatches from all over the world descend on the centre each year. They learn the fundamentals of media relations, public not speaking, propaganda and brand building.

It’s this methodical approach to dealing with the outside world that has always protected the Sasquatches three key brand attributes: modesty, mystery and mischief.

Here are just a few of the techniques taught to Sasquatch delegates.

When observed by photographers, don’t panic. Glance over your shoulder and project an image of friendliness with just a hint of I’ll suck your face off like the fudge layer on a cheap brownie. This will discourage photographers from coming closer.

Never run. It’s a sign of weakness. If escape is necessary, lumber toward a large tree, look up and point. When your enemy looks up, drop and roll to safety. No one looks for Sasquatches on the ground.

Never speak, regardless of how many languages you know. Humans will be impressed for a little while but then they will turn the conversation back to them and you will never shut them up. There is both peace and mystery in silence.

Sasquatches Wait for Groundhog Day

In a suburb of Kentucky, Gill the Groundhog popped his head out of his hole.

He saw a large shadow just before the Sasquatch bit his head off.

Sasquatch Readers Write

I’m curious. I recently watched a television program on feral children. I’m wondering if there are any documented cases of Sasquatches being raised in civilization by humans. You know, the opposite sort of thing.

Dear Curious,

We don’t know. Why don’t you ask The Man in the Yellow Hat?

Next!

Sasquatches Go Down for Pleasure

In a recent article titled, “The Magma Myth”, a prominent geologist suggests that the earth’s core may be a popular travel destination for Sasquatches. It makes sense, says the author, “Creating a myth about burning hot magma would sure keep the sissies and the geeks the hell out of there.”

Sasquatch. James Sasquatch.

An ancient Sasquatch spy manual may explain why so few Sasquatches are seen or photographed. According to the secret files, now in the possession of Canadian authorities, who are channel surfing between satellite footage of radical fringe terrorist cell training camps and “Maple Sugar Tapping with the Stars”, Sasquatches may be blue with a layer of clear, light absorbent fur, similar to that found on polar bears, which are, of course, black.

If the documents are true and reliable, a Sasquatch’s may be able to stand with his or her back to the sun and “disappear” into the horizon. The light from the sun, absorbed by clear fur would radiate glue or grey, thus creating the closest thing to invisibility known to modern spy technologists.

If the documents turn out to be false, it's doubtful that anyone will give crap.

Sasquatch Butt -Gamble the Spice of Life

This one’s weird and could be true. It appears that curry can be traced back to an ancient Sasquatch betting game. In days of old, Sasquatches would bet on the number of spices they could eat at once. The Sasquatch who “calls” the bet passes the bowl to his or her opponent who must then consume the contents and refrain from farting for 30 minutes.

Sasquatch Pass Fire to the Wrong Man-Apes

It appears that humans were not the first species chosen for rapid and over-privileged evolution. Sasquatch meeting reports indicate the Sasquatch Council for a Sustainable Food Chain had considered passing on the secrets of fire and technology to a number of mammals before settling on humans. The final decision was based on opposable thumbs and the lack of threat presented by a soft-on-the-outside, clawless, fangless, sissy-in-the-winter, bald, clumsy, wingless, indecisive creature.

Boy, were they wrong.

Whoa Nessy Whoa. Sasquatch Dead Ahead.

Mayhem ensued as members of a Scottish rugby team crashed their fake Lock Ness Monster into a fake Lock Ness Monster piloted by a crew of Sasquatch hooligans.

The mishap took place during the annual Claw Foot Bathtub Racing Regatta in Scotland. Local papers recorded the event as a rarely-seen mating ritual. Insiders say the ill-fated pranksters made the most of the accident by burning their Monsters on the shore and drinking for three days.

Sasquatch Resolutions Boost DVD Sales

Sasquatches who vowed to lose weight in the new year have made Get Sweaty with the Yetti the #1 selling self help DVD of all time.

Star Witness Sasquatches

Sasquatches wishing to disguise their affiliation with the Witnesses of Jehovah can now enter the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

Those Winey Sasquatches

Monks in France paid Sasquatches to step on grapes because they (the Sasquatches) had big feet. The Sasquatches would go home covered in grape guts and juice. They would squeegie the juice into large pits and then repress the grapes. Thus, Ripasso.

Ripasso is the affordable middle-ground between Valpolicella and Amarone.

At Your Friday Sasquatch Report, we drink Ripasso like it's Bud Light on a cheap U.S. cruise from Miami to Bahamas, purchased last minute by a rapper-wanna-be plant worker and his ho-worker.

Scotch Lovers Toast the Sasquatch

First, a little history, courtesy of Charles MacLean's fine book entitled, Malt Whisky ( a must-read for every scotch enthusiast). According to MacLean, whom we worship here at the Friday Sasquatch Report, "One tradition holds that the mysteries of distilling were borne across the Irish Sea by the Gaelic-speaking Celts who founded the Kingdom of Dalriada on Scotland's western seaboard in the early sixth century, known to history as the Scots. The Scots Gaelic for aqua vitae [water of life] is uisge beatha, (pronounced 'ooshkie bayahah') which was abbreviated to uiskie in the 17th century, and to whiskie by 1715. This much is interesting and true.

Our Bolivian researchers believe that in the late 16th century, distillers in the Islay region discovered that adding one pound of Sasquatch hair to each peat bale gave their regional blends a pungent, woodsy aroma unmatchable by their competitors to the north. The foul aroma given off during fermentation was called gagmae pukahah, which was later abbreviated to gag me, I'm puking.

Readers Go Luney for Sasquatches

Years ago, when Your Friday Sasquatch Report was just a simple e-newsletter, we published the following story.

NASA is responding to rumours that the Apollo Space Mission was created for the sole purpose of starting a Sasquatch colony on the moon. The highly secretive space agency is considering a media junket to dispel speculation. No word on which journalists would make the trip.

Since then, we’ve received a number of reports relating to the alleged Sasquatch colony and its lunar antics. Here are just a few.

First generation lunar Sasquatches have grown an average of one foot taller as the low gravity atmosphere relieves pressure on their vertebrae. Since most of the equipment and camping gear left by NASA, was developed for an average-height adult Sasquatch, incidents of back pain and forehead trauma are on the rise.

Sasquatch younglings born into the low-gravity environment adjust and grow quickly. However, the Sasquatch is known for the intensity of its flatulence and it’s common for new-borns to propel themselves out of their cribs. Unable to walk, a “gassy-sassy” (their term, not ours) can easily blast out of sight for days.

Mischievous Sasquatch youth gangs are taking the risk of being viewed from earth as they gouge out the face of “the man on the moon” to look like Cher.

Elder Sasquatches are living longer because they no longer rely on their legs to get around. Instead, they slap the ground, much like angry children, to move from pub to pub. With little or no need to use their giant feet for conventional purposes, many older Sasquatches have taken up knitting. Others are painting greeting cards with their toes. They hope to sell the cards on eBay to raise money for field trips back to earth.

That’s what’s happening on the dark side of the moon, and that’s YOUR Friday Sasquatch. Don’t forget to shave your back and keep your head down.

Beer Drinking Sasquatch Good Example for Kids

A pregnant motorist on her way to the hospital claims that a Sasquatch youth gang repaired her flat tire by sealing a puncture with ear wax and taking turns manually inflating the tire. She called the tight-knit group “polite and friendly”, stating that she would gladly overlook the missing beer from her trunk if all young men and women would follow the example of the Sasquatch.

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzsasquatch

While shooting a “Heritage Moment” television ad based on the Iroquois/Sasquatch peace treaty, producers discovered ancient song lyrics that bear an eery resemblance to a popular Canadian tune.

A portion of those lyrics are published below with virtually no permission from anyone.

The legend lives on from the Iroquois on down
of the Sasquatch they call Benmulroonie.
The Sasquatch, it’s said, never gets out of bed
when the skies of November turn gloomy.

Full of wild boar, 95 pounds more,
than the Sasquatch weighed just this mornin’.
With big feet and shoes, he continued to chew,
when the gales of November came early

Benmulroonie was the pride of the Sasquatch side
Coming back from some bar in Alberta.
As the big foots go he was bigger than most
half pickled and clearly well seasoned.

Concluding some terms with a media firm
for his honeymoon photos from Cleveland
And later that night he was royally tight
could that be his own pee he’d been feeling.

The gas from his ass made a tattletale sound
and a cloud floated over the railing
And every Sasquatch knew, as the Benmulroonie did, too,
T'was the witch of barley come stealing.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
when a Sasquatch with gas comes to dinner.
The diners all say they’d have all got away
if they’d put fifteen more miles behind them.

In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Sasquatch Wax Museum.
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
for the tourists who lined up to see’um.

The legend lives on from the Iroquois on down
of the Sasquatch they call Benmulroonie.
The Sasquatch, it’s said, never gets out of bed
when the skies of November turn gloomy.

Sasquatch Snub Noses at Uptight French

The French are upset that Canadian Sasquatches may be taking odor-enhancing drugs to fool security dogs at International airports.

Sasquatch Gimmick Good for Bidness

A moving company that claims to use Sasquatches for the “heavy stuff” blindfolds customers when the huge beasts make their appearance. A local competitor says, “Sounds fishy, but it’s darn good marketin’.”

It Hurts to Be Cool at Sasquatch School

According to the Dictionary of Sasquatch Vernacular, Sasquatchismo is what motivates some young males to expose chest hair and live in burned out Trans Ams. Recently-added terms include – Bling sting – the painful condition that results from eating rap artists and passing their undigested jewellery through one’s bowels.

Sasquatches Rock Out of Sight

An abandoned UFO landing site was the location of last weekend's Sasapalooza Festival. Thousands of Sasquatches made the journey to hear an A-list lineup of Sasquatch bands including, The Paul Bunyans and 2 Tall for Malls.

What Rhymes With Sasquatch?

This is a Friday Sasquatch Report World Exclusive.

The following poems were discovered by an obscure German intellectual and sent to the editors of the Friday Sasquatch Report for worldwide distribution.

Be sure to read his notes below.

First Love

To be the sapling you use to brush your teeth!
To be the rock you crush to gravel beneath your foot!
I want to braid wildflowers in the hair between your breasts.

Breakfast

Into the woods the running campers vanish.
Their bacon still spucks on the fire.
Their beer is cold and good.*

*Note the Hemingway-esque tone of this line, which suggests the sasquatch may have found a copy of "The Sun Also Rises" carelessly dropped by a fleeing camper.


Sasquatch Koan

If you call my back hairy, you deny its reality.
If you call it smooth, you deny the fact.
What then will you call my back?

Middle Age

When I rise each morning
a mat of back-hair covers the ground.
Baldness approaches.

The discovery of these four poems represents the fruit of forty years' research. Ever since I was a lederhosened boy in the wooded hills of Bavaria, throwing stones at the hairy mountain men and running squealing back to the safety of the family castle when they chased me; ever since I read of the adventures of my great predecessor, Diogenes Teufelsdrokh, who was stomped to death under mysterious circumstances (how could such circumstances be unmysterious?) while camping in the Okanagan Valley in the early 80s; ever since I first saw a grainy film of a tall, hairy man-like creature running into the trees next to a stream, I have dreamed of the mighty Sasquatch of North America and wondered what his poetry would be like.

I confess these poems are not what I imagined. I expected rough, rugged, primal, primitive poetry about battles with game wardens and heroic raids on campsites; these haiku have forced me to reconsider my entire concept of the sasquatch. Clearly the sasquatch has a quiet, reflective side; there is something almost philosophical in him, a reservoir of glassy calm at the centre of the hairy tornado that we occasionally glimpse in the depths of the forest.

The influence of the Far East on these poems, and particularly on the "Sasquatch Koan", suggests sasquatches may have originally crossed the well-known "land bridge" from Asia to North America, bringing some fragments of Zen philosophy with them.

I will continue my researches into sasquatch poetry, and update the Report with any new findings.

--Dr. Hieronymous Weltschmerz, Teufelsdrokh Chair of Things in General, Professor of Primitive Culture, Vocational College of the Okanagan Valley

Sasquifacts

The percentage of American teens who believe they are related to a Sasquatch: 12
The percentage of Sasquatches who deny having sex with campers: 99.2

The likelihood of a Sasquatch throwing "an avalanche" (3 consecutive rocks) in Rock, Paper, Scissors match: 1 in 45.

Correlation between the weight of new-borns in Texas to the weight of a Sasquatch tongue: 1:1

Number of US Senators who voted for "Stoop and scoop, and scoop, and scoop, and scoop some more" legislation for Sasquatch caregivers: 13.

Odds that an Oprah Pick was ghost-written by a Sasquatch: 1 in 2,345.

Sasquatches Help Smokers Butt Out

A rehab clinic in Fergus Ontario, site of the annual Highland Games, helps ex-smokers fight the craving by building environmentally-friendly outhouses for Sasquatches. The 15-foot-tall, chemically-activated toilets are heli-lifted to remote areas around the world to help reduce the harmful effects of “weapons grade” methane gas produced by the world's Sasquatch community. A spokesperson for the clinic says, “When it comes to cleaning the environment, no butt is too big.”

Sasquatch Facts You Didn't Know

In his new book “Erections That Last”, an Italian architect claims that Sasquatches invented lattice thousands of years ago as portable camouflage. Among the Sasquatch inventions that didn’t stand the test of time: living toilet paper and circular chop sticks.

Luck of the Irish Sasquatch

Turd Fairies are a common theme in Sasquatch Fairy Tales. Parents tell Sasquatch younglings about the Turd Fairies that always grow and multiply wherever there is a Sasquatch turd. Turd Fairies are 4.7 inches tall and 2,000 Turd Fairies can carry away a Sasquatch toddler with ease. “The obvious point of Turd Fairy stories,” says an Irish academic compiling a comprehensive anthology, “is to discourage young Sasquatches from laying turds too close to home.”

In a related story, a Welsh cobbler was imprisoned in 1959 after he and his estranged wife’s second husband executed the country’s most elaborate Turd Fairy hoax. The men attempted to sell photos of Turd Fairies to the local newspaper, claiming they stumbled across a Turd Fairy orgy near an overturned Sasquatch outhouse. “The photos were an obvious hoax,” said a local constable, “everyone knows that Turd Fairies don't wear track pants.”

Sasquonomics Overflows Sasquatch Think Tank

A controversial Sasquatch economist was met by protestors when she arrived at an abandoned fringe terrorist cell training camp in northern Saskatchewan to address the members of a Sasquatch social policy think tank. Her speech “The Economics of Transparency and Integration” encourages Sasquatches to join society and petition for human rights. Protestors carried signs that read “Remember the Unicorn” and “Where are the werewolves now? Fatso.”

The Butcher, the Baker and the Sasquatch

There may be a link between secretive European Bakers Guilds and the Sasquatch. Confidential documents leaked to the media suggest that guild meeting halls were constructed to conceal Sasquatch hideouts. Top officials confirm the plausibility of the story saying, “It’s a good cover. Back then, people thought men who baked were, you know, funny like that.”

Tee for Sasquatch

A popular Sasquatch tee shirt reads, “Why call it tourist season if you can’t shoot ‘em.”

Sasquatches Give Birth to Golf Ball

Golf balls may owe their dimpled texture to an ancient Sasquatch hunting ritual, according to a Sasquatch Scouts Training Manual. After inventing the boomerang, Sasquatch hunting parties developed elaborate pre-hunt rituals to coax luck onto their side. In one such ritual, the oldest member of the tribe, with teeth, would chew the boomerang, leaving tiny dimples across the surface. These dimples allowed skilled Sasquatch boomerang hunters to “bend it like Banacek” and hit targets hiding behind trees.*

* The tv series Banacek won an award from the "Polish-American Congress" for positively portraying a Polish-American on television. The cigars that George Peppard smoked on Banacek were Panatelas from Club 21 in New York City. He had smoked the same cigars as Hannibal Smith on "The A-Team". He eventually gave up smoking in 1992 after having a tumor removed from one of his lungs.

Bad Sasquatch. Bad!

A Sasquatch dominatrix makes her clients brush their teeth and eat fresh, cooked vegetables.

Sasquatch Grip Publishes Moon Landing Tell All

Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon provided lighting kits to the Apollo Astronauts. This according to a new tell-all novel written by a Sasquatch grip employed to operate the equipment. Conspiracy theorists admit that this revelation would explain the "convergent shadow anomoly" at the heart of the lighting controversy. They also believe that the Sasquatch grip from the dark side of the moon is really a Soviet agent, dressed like a Sasquatch.

We love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next little-dick nerd. But we have to ask, "why would a Soviet agent, operating on the dark side of the moon, need a costume?

We're smarter than we look.

Next Stop: Sasquatch Air Fresheners

In the men's bathroom at our secret headquarters we have a can of air freshener. It's called "Country Scent". I grew up in the country. Most days, it smelled a lot like fertilizer and cow shit.

This made the editorial staff at Your Friday Sasquatch Report wonder what kind of scents Sasquatches (who live in the country) would choose to mask their world-famous odor.

Here are the leading products in the air freshener/solid (non-plug-in) category sold at secret locations to Sasquatches the world over.

Transit Pits
A moist, pungent scent simulating the armpit stench of a multi-ethnic crowd on a downtown subway car.

Dirty Ass
A mixture of butt sweat and incontenence, suggesting a Euchre at downtown, human rest home.

Dance of the Dentures
Dry plastic cup scum and rotting beets take the soul back to gentler times at Grandpa's house.

Coal Burner
A free-enerprise, unregulated, smog-filled gasoline vapor that stings the eyes and sticks to clothes.

Sasquatch Readers Write

Dear FSR,
Why don't we hear more about Sasquatch architects and industrial designers?

Dear Gentle Reader,
Normally, we make fun of people who ask questions about Sasquatches. But in your case, we feel compelled to respond. Most Sasquatch designers simply don't find a market for their ideas in the human world because Sasquatches are really big and people aren't.

The most talented Sasquatch designers are forced to modify or downgrade their ideas to reach the lucrative human market for automobiles, furniture, lazy Susans and "battery-operated" devices of pleasure.

Typically, a Sasquatch designer will sell his or her idea to a human such as Leonardo DaVinci and use the money to finance inner-forest Sasquatch youth programs, such as "Don't Screw Human Campers, They're Gross (DSHCTG).

So think about that the next time you cram your over-paid, hairless, human ass into the cockpit of your Audi TT.

P.S. You're ugly and stop sending us intelligent questions.

Unmanned Opportunity for Savvy Sasquatches

At a recent Mine's Bigger Than Yours military trade show, hundreds of companies displayed a wide range of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs). Known for their passivism and savvy investing techniques, Sasquatches around the world invested in rubber bands and batteries.

Sasquatch on Cutting Room Floor

Cleaning staff at a prominent studio recently discovered footage from an unaired episode of Gilligan's Island, labelled Panic in the Hammock.

The grainy footage shows Lovey encountered a Sasquatch sleeping in Thurston's hammock. Mayhem ensues. Then a little more mayhem. After lots of mayhem, they share a smoke.

Evidently, smoking was not considered suitable for the young viewing audience.

Sasquatches Celebrate 6 Weeks of Weight Gain

This week, Sasquatches released a 70-pound Olsen twin into the wild.

She didn't cast a shadow - forecasting six more weeks of weight gain for Sasquatches.

Sasquatch New Year Resolutions

Exit polling conducted at the massive FREE SEX in OH SIX new year's eve party that took place in northern Manitoba revealed this year's list of top Sasquatch new year resolutions.

Drink more.
Get photographed less.
Evolve.
Gain weight.
Stop snacking on Asians.
Expose David Blaine.

Canadian PM Not Carrying Sasquatch Love Child

Rumours that the Canadian Prime Minister is pregnant with a Sasquatch baby have been vehemently denied by Sasquatch officials, quote: “The reverse effect on evolution could set off a cosmic chain reaction of William Shatner proportion.” We don’t know what that means.

You Made Us Do It. We Didn't Want a Druid.

A self-proclaimed Druidist claims that the monuments at Stone Henge contain giant Sasquatches frozen in suspended animation like Han Solo in Stars. He denies allegations that he is just another science wienie with an Internet connection and musty old copies of National Geographic hidden in his Big Jim camper.

Sasquatch Collector Stamps Due Soon

“Hollywood bombshells” will be the theme for the latest run of Sasquatch collector stamps. Bride of Godzilla, will go on sale at select Sasquatch Post locations starting in February 2007.

Sasquatches Go Out on a Limb for Mentally Ill

The DMS, the world’s Who’s Who of Mental Illness has added Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) to its list of acknowledge mental illnesses (this much is actually true). People who suffer from BIID choose to have healthy limbs amputated (so far, so true). A philosophical debate is raging. Should physicians perform this unnecessary surgery to prevent BIID sufferers from performing their own home amputations? In response, the Sasquatch community has volunteered to chew off any unwanted limbs for free.

More Useless Sasquatch Facts

All Sasquatches complete a mandatory PHD in psychiatry by the age of 30.

No Sasquatches smoke. Their snot is flammable.

Sasquatch Readers Write

Dear FSR,
I’m tired of all the obviously pubescent gags about farts in the Sasquatch Report. Are you guys adults? Do your parents know that you do this?

Dear A. Dult,

You can ask any of the Bolivian illegals locked downstairs in our research department, they will tell you that we run a clean, professional, adult operation here. If you need a band to play at the ceremony when your sense of humour arrives, call us. Oops gotta go let one. See ya.

Dear FSR,
I hate the Sasquatch and I want to opt out. How do I do that?

Dear Loser,
If you really want to opt out, we suggest sleeping pills and vodka. Frankly, it sounds like you opted out a long time ago. Pop, pop, glug, glug, oh what a relief it is.

Until next time, live clean, stay away from drugs and vodka, keep your head down and DON’T forget to shave your back.

Yes. Sasquatches Celebrate Christmas.

This time of year, a lot of readers ask, "Do Sasquatches Celebrate Christmas?"

Yes they do. Sasquatches are hard-drinking, loafing, financially independent, high-ranking members of the mythical food chain. They have access to beer, virtually no sexual taboos and remarkable stamina. They celebrate every national and religious holiday, oftening partying from one holiday to the next.

Today, Sasquatches around the world are observing the Festival of Lights (Israel). Tomorrow, they will celebrate Separation Day (Anguilla) and the day after that is Square Dance Til You Puke Or Someone Pops a Cap in Yer Ass Day (A small number of ZIP codes in Texas).

Sasquatches of Arts and Letters

When Canadian author and icon Mordecai Richler died, Random House Canada, his publisher, commissioned a typeface to be created in his honour, called of course, Richler. This much is true.

It's also true that a number of the fonts we have on our computers, here at the head office of Your Friday Sasquatch Report, are also named after celebrated writers, including alphabetically Byron, Cicero, Dante and Swift. This much is true.

A Spanish design firm recently created Big Foot, a typeface that celebrates the disproportionate aspects of Sasquatch anatomy. The feet are large, all ascendors are slightly hunched and it's particularly hard to see, except at dawn, and then only for a few seconds.

What's New at Sasquatch Zoo?

The most popular exhibits at the Sasquatch public zoo in San Hillary, are 1. postman 2. Jimmy Hoffa 3. Elvis 4. Stay-at-home husband 5. Unicorn 6. Gene Rayburn 7. Sneazy

Sleep Tight Smelly Sasquatch

“Imagine a world with no mufflers.” This is the first line of a doctoral thesis published last week through the faculty of music studies at a prominent Irish university. The newly crowned doctor traces modern automobile mufflers to Australian Aboriginal didgeridoos (a long musical instrument like a trumpet that turns fluttering lip movement into moose calls). However, the thesis suggests, the didgeridoo was inspired by a nighttime flatulence suppressant used by Sasquatches to muffler nocturnal gas. Today, the use of nighttime fart mufflers is almost exclusively ceremonial, much like didgeridoo playing and using mufflers to disguise the true environmental impact of internal combustion engines. And so, as the Judge says, the dance goes on.

Our Readers Write

Dear FSR,
I didn’t receive a Sasquatch Report last week, or the week before. What gives?

Dear You Should Surf Porn Instead,
Our new software is able to detect Sasquatch Report readers who are not wearing any clothes or are clearly intoxicated. It blocks our message under the “Sanctity of Pure Scientific Communications” statute. Sorry big guy.

Let's Ask a Sasquatch

Scientists in Argentina recently got the opportunity to ask a panel of Sasquatches the question that every skeptic has been asking in his, or her, Sasquatch-hating, tiny, little, brain - why haven't you evolved? The Sasquatch panel responded, "when you get here, you'll know." Then they ate them.

What can we say? We can barely afford the heat and hydro it takes to keep our team of illegal Bolivian musician researchers busy. We can't fact check everything. Maybe there are weapons of mass defecation in every Sasquatch ass??? We don't know. Damn it Jim, we're just fake journalists.

Like You Needed More Sasquatch Drama

A new poll suggests that hide-out makeover programs are now the most popular shows on Sasquatch satellite television. Audiences particularly enjoy the heightened drama toward the end of each episode when the host pretends to be running out of time. "Save My Cave" and "Wait Til Your Sasquatch Daddy Gets Home" are neck-and-neck for the number one spot.

This begs the question, "Why don't we see more Sasquatch hide-out makeover shows on Swedish cable?"

Sasquatch Opera and Sweden - a Headshaker.

An all-Sasquatch opera made its debut in Sweden this week. "Pleasures of the Groin, a Forest Tale" delighted a packed house and prompted one critic to ask, "Why don't we see more all-Sasquatch operas?" We ask ourselves, "Is that all it takes to be a Swedish opera critic?"

Anal Retentive Sasquatch Plea - Ga-Ross.

We rarely donate space to special interest groups, but we recently received a very emotional letter from a reader. He is a Physician working with Doctors Without Shame. He and his colleagues have spent the last year in the field, performing free colo-rectal exams on Sasquatches, checking for early signs of Cancer and amassing a collection of odd souvenirs. On behalf of Dr. Morris Better, we are publishing the following plea:

"Would the Sasquatch who stole my wrist watch please return it. I don't know how you did that, but I want it back. It has great sentimental value. I applaud your muscular dexterity but I want my watch back. A reward is offered. Please wash the watch and mail it in confidence to the good folks at the Sasquatch Report. No charges will be filed."

Well, we certainly wish Dr. Better all the luck in the world.

Strange But True Sasquatch Fact

Sasquatches have no word for plunger.

Sasquatches Go Astray

Members of a fringe Sasquatch anti-domesticity movement in Maui were convicted of impersonating an animal services group for the purpose of illegally acquiring stray animals. No word if this is part of the group’s relocation or barbeque strategy.

Sasquatches No Speaky Italiano Eh

Peace Officers in Nunavut, Canada arrested 14 Sasquatches and several members of Nunavut’s Italian Relations Department at a protest rally. Protestors claimed that Dr. Awan Ashada-Morfin was being illegally held in a province-run halfway house. The Sasquatches held up signs while the Italian delegates chanted FREE-ASHADA-MORFIN. The protest attracted a large and unruly crowd of underemployed locals.

Must Be a Western Sasquatch Thing

A Sasquatch artist in residence at a prominent Western Ontario University has completed a taxidermy exhibit that depicts ‘the influence of the Sasquatch on the outcome of the War of 1812’.

Classic Sasquatch Media Bashing

The world-famous Brazilian Sasquatch Cellist, Amori Chistollini, winner of several Platinum Music Awards, a Fellow of the Christian Sasquatch Brotherhood, inventor of Insullin (although he lost the patent in a poker game in London, Ontario), founder of the Feed the Humans movement, father of 83 Sasquatch and human offspring, devout teacher and renowned philanthropist, has been widely criticized in the media for having a really silly name for a Sasquatch.

Sasquatches Rock!

Recent drillings suggest that during the Pleistocene Ice Age an outdoor Sasquatch concert created an artificial earthquake (think Madness, London, mid 80s), that led to the severing of the land bridge, and the creation on the North American continent.

Strange But True Sasquatch Fact

All Sasquatches complete a mandatory PHD in psychiatry by the age of 30.

CSI Sasquatch

The blood and tissue makeup of male Sasquatches prevents them from reaching terminal velocity when falling. If a male and a female Sasquatch jumped off of a building at the same time, the female would land first. But the difference in the two times would not be significant enough to allow the male to land on the female and break his fall.

Sasquatch Logs Make a Difference

Thousands of Sasquatches showed up last month for a highly unusual charity home build in Manitoba, Canada. It took the volunteer mass just five days to construct an authentic log home, made from you guessed it, Sasquatch “logs”.

Sasquatch Experiment Stinks

A fifth-grader in Cleveland is appealling his failing grade for a science fair experiment. In the appeal, he says that his teacher "has never smelled a real Sasquatch fart, and therefore can't say for sure that his Sasquatch Fart Replicator Machine doesn't work."

The editorial staff of Your Friday Sasquatch Report has offered to appear as expert witnesses.

Mexicans Tight-Lipped About Sasquatch Ploy

Mexican authorities attempted to lure Sasquatches out of the woods by advertising a moustache look-a-look contest. Sasquatches were encouraged to fashion their notoriously coarse and smelly lip hair to resemble famous moustaches. Contestants could enter in any of the following categories:

Rip Van Winkle, Otto von Habsburg, Kemal Ataturk, Attila the Hun, Wilhelm the I and II, Mohandas Ghandi, Emiliano Zapata, Theodore Roosevelt, George Clemenceau, Maxim Gorky, Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Horatio Kitchener, Martin Luther King, Salvador Dali, Albert Einstein, Albert Schweitzer, Friedrich Nietzshe, Freddie Mercury, Douglas Fairbanks, Clark Gable, Charlie Chaplin, Errol Flynn, Hulk Hogan, Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday or Mexican President Vicente Fox.

That’s our attempt to look like professional, unbiased journalism and it’s your Sasquatch Report. Until we look at each other again, keep your head down and don’t forget to shave your back.

No Sasquatch Ban at Penguin Classic

Antarctica was once again host to the annual “Running With The Penguins” festival last month. The notoriously slow event attracts only the most patient thrill seekers. One fox, two deer and a raccoon suffered serious injury when an intoxicated Sasquatch attempted to slide across the icy terrain like the famous Emperor Penguins. Officials say this is the first incident of its kind and they won’t ban Sasquatches from future events.

Sasquatch Disappearing Act Ignites Controversy

Skeptics say "No Bones - No Sasquatches". Their theory is: everything dies and decays somewhere. If Sasquatches exist, they ask, why are there no fossils, no skeletons or bad Sasquatches buried in the footings of Manhatten skyscrapers? A doctor in Oaxaca City, in Oaxaca, Mexico believes he has the answer. Docta Oaxaca, as he's known to locals, suggests that Sasquatch skeletons dissolve within minutes of death. "He hopes to breed chickens with Sasquatches to create Boneless Buffalo Wings.

We at the Friday Sasquatch Report say, atta boy Docta Oaxaca! You send us a postcard when that happens.

Sasquatches Light Up the Dark Side

Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon are now selling advertising space in the form of large, neon billboards. The Sasquatch advertising journal, AdWatch, calls the idea a revolutionary use of shade.

Pasta Traced to Sasquatch Philosophers

An Italian Sasquatchologist tracing the centuries-old connection between Sasquatches and pasta has uncovered proof that most of today's popular shapes are named after ancient Sasquatch philosophers, including Cavatappi, Conchiglie, Mostaccioli and Vermicelli. He regrets to inform readers that Bow Tie pasta was named by the University's advertising agency. He calls the decision crass and obvious, accusing the writers of settling for the low-hanging fruit of obvious visual connection. So far, no one seems to give a damn about this.

Big Feet. Big Balls in the Air.

At the Keep Your Big Balls in the Air Sasquatch jugglers convention in South Africa, three live lions landed in the audience when the warm-up act was distracted by papparazzi. A spokeslion said, "Had they been sober, they could have got hurt."

Canadian Bombshell Tops Sasquatch List

Pam Anderson continues to dominate the “top ten humans you’d like to golf with” list in this month's Sasquatch Quarterly magazine.

Sasquenomics Rocks the Air Waves

At an economic conference for Sasquatches held at an abandoned terrorist sleeper cell training camp in northern Canada, a prominent Sasquatch economist revealed his conclusion that we could cut green house emissions by simply asking rock stars to stop flying around the world in private 747s just to tell the rest of us why we’re screwing up the world.

Bring Your Sasquatch to Work Day

British parliament refused to debate the reinstatement of Bring Your Sasquatch to Work Day. In an official press release the uptight bastards said, "It was cool when you were all serfs, making the elite few rich. Back then, we didn't mind a few extra strong backs in the field." Damage to vending machines and plumbing issues were also cited as minor concerns.