Sasquatch Experiment Stinks

A fifth-grader in Cleveland is appealling his failing grade for a science fair experiment. In the appeal, he says that his teacher "has never smelled a real Sasquatch fart, and therefore can't say for sure that his Sasquatch Fart Replicator Machine doesn't work."

The editorial staff of Your Friday Sasquatch Report has offered to appear as expert witnesses.

Mexicans Tight-Lipped About Sasquatch Ploy

Mexican authorities attempted to lure Sasquatches out of the woods by advertising a moustache look-a-look contest. Sasquatches were encouraged to fashion their notoriously coarse and smelly lip hair to resemble famous moustaches. Contestants could enter in any of the following categories:

Rip Van Winkle, Otto von Habsburg, Kemal Ataturk, Attila the Hun, Wilhelm the I and II, Mohandas Ghandi, Emiliano Zapata, Theodore Roosevelt, George Clemenceau, Maxim Gorky, Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Horatio Kitchener, Martin Luther King, Salvador Dali, Albert Einstein, Albert Schweitzer, Friedrich Nietzshe, Freddie Mercury, Douglas Fairbanks, Clark Gable, Charlie Chaplin, Errol Flynn, Hulk Hogan, Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday or Mexican President Vicente Fox.

That’s our attempt to look like professional, unbiased journalism and it’s your Sasquatch Report. Until we look at each other again, keep your head down and don’t forget to shave your back.

No Sasquatch Ban at Penguin Classic

Antarctica was once again host to the annual “Running With The Penguins” festival last month. The notoriously slow event attracts only the most patient thrill seekers. One fox, two deer and a raccoon suffered serious injury when an intoxicated Sasquatch attempted to slide across the icy terrain like the famous Emperor Penguins. Officials say this is the first incident of its kind and they won’t ban Sasquatches from future events.

Sasquatch Disappearing Act Ignites Controversy

Skeptics say "No Bones - No Sasquatches". Their theory is: everything dies and decays somewhere. If Sasquatches exist, they ask, why are there no fossils, no skeletons or bad Sasquatches buried in the footings of Manhatten skyscrapers? A doctor in Oaxaca City, in Oaxaca, Mexico believes he has the answer. Docta Oaxaca, as he's known to locals, suggests that Sasquatch skeletons dissolve within minutes of death. "He hopes to breed chickens with Sasquatches to create Boneless Buffalo Wings.

We at the Friday Sasquatch Report say, atta boy Docta Oaxaca! You send us a postcard when that happens.

Sasquatches Light Up the Dark Side

Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon are now selling advertising space in the form of large, neon billboards. The Sasquatch advertising journal, AdWatch, calls the idea a revolutionary use of shade.

Pasta Traced to Sasquatch Philosophers

An Italian Sasquatchologist tracing the centuries-old connection between Sasquatches and pasta has uncovered proof that most of today's popular shapes are named after ancient Sasquatch philosophers, including Cavatappi, Conchiglie, Mostaccioli and Vermicelli. He regrets to inform readers that Bow Tie pasta was named by the University's advertising agency. He calls the decision crass and obvious, accusing the writers of settling for the low-hanging fruit of obvious visual connection. So far, no one seems to give a damn about this.

Big Feet. Big Balls in the Air.

At the Keep Your Big Balls in the Air Sasquatch jugglers convention in South Africa, three live lions landed in the audience when the warm-up act was distracted by papparazzi. A spokeslion said, "Had they been sober, they could have got hurt."

Canadian Bombshell Tops Sasquatch List

Pam Anderson continues to dominate the “top ten humans you’d like to golf with” list in this month's Sasquatch Quarterly magazine.

Sasquenomics Rocks the Air Waves

At an economic conference for Sasquatches held at an abandoned terrorist sleeper cell training camp in northern Canada, a prominent Sasquatch economist revealed his conclusion that we could cut green house emissions by simply asking rock stars to stop flying around the world in private 747s just to tell the rest of us why we’re screwing up the world.

Bring Your Sasquatch to Work Day

British parliament refused to debate the reinstatement of Bring Your Sasquatch to Work Day. In an official press release the uptight bastards said, "It was cool when you were all serfs, making the elite few rich. Back then, we didn't mind a few extra strong backs in the field." Damage to vending machines and plumbing issues were also cited as minor concerns.