Sasquatch Hell Driver Punishes Beetle

A Sasquatch Hell Driver has successfully circumnavigated Greenland driving on two wheels. His unmodified 1974 Volkswagen Beetle was refueled enroute thanks to a generous donation of cash, manpower and an Air Force refueling chopper. Okay, we made the bit about the chopper up. He stopped for gas a few times.

Sasquatches First In With Nuclear Power

Recently declassified documents suggest that Sasquatches had nuclear capability as early as 1750. They abandoned the technology when cheaper, safer ways to pasteurize beer were invented.

Sidelines for Sasquatch Punter

The coach of a Denver high school football team was forced to sideline his star kicker pending the results of a DNA analysis. The seven-foot teen was first suspected of being a Sasquatch when league officials noticed that he didn't speak and shaved his entire body three times a day. The final straw came when the team's mascot accused him of slipping date rape drugs into the Gatorade.

Sasquatch Driver Gets Big Foot Sweet Spot

A Sasquatch golf club manufacturer has introduced “Great Big Jesus”, an enormous golf club with a one-foot sweet spot. They are calling it their most forgiving driver yet.

Getting Heavy on Heavy Footed Sasquatches

Officials in Cremona, Italy have launched an aggressive campaign to encourage Sasquatch drivers to conserve fuel by driving slower. During Operation Big Foot Light Foot Sasquatches who are clocked on radar at or below the posted speed limit are pulled over and given a FREE Gordon Lightfoot on Strings Violin Compilation CD.

In a related story, scientists have calculated that aggressive Sasquatch drivers produce 137% more pollution than the average human driver. Coincidentally, the average Sasquatch foot is 137% larger than an average human foot but weighs eleven times more.

State Troopers in Tennessee have launched an anti-speeding campaign of their own. They call it Lead Foot Dead Foot. Speeding Sasquatches are simply gunned down without warning.

Sasquatch Pornos in Johnny Walker Black and White

Rare black and white footage captured by an “amateur” film-making couple showed up at on auction in Holland for vintage pornography. An astute Sasquatchologist viewed the film and discovered that the couple’s Super 8 tripod movie may have captured part of an ancient Sasquatch burial ritual. Then, he thought, “no I’m just drunk” and he went home.

Silent But Deadly Sasquatches

A Taiwanese recording studio attempted to sound-proof their facility using Sasquatch butt hairs. The President of the studio said it made perfect sense at the time. “Their survival depends on stealth-like movement and undetectable motion. Surely, their notorious flatulence would put them at risk. The answer had to lie in the unique texture of their butt hairs.” Following the evacuation of a village and a four-alarm blaze that raged for two days, he admitted, “It was a dumb idea.”

Sasquatch Burgers to Go, and FAST

A Mexican restaurateur in the tiny village of San Jose Del Pacifico invited three professional speed eaters, known as gurgitators, to race through a whopping 42-pound burger that he called the Sasquatch Special. The invitation was misinterpreted as ‘burgers made from Sasquatches’ and health officials demanded that he provide a list of ingredients along with mandatory nutritional information. The competition was cancelled with no explanation.

Wow. You can't make stuff up like this. Sasquatch truth is stranger than Sasquatch fiction.

The Good Side of Camera Conscious Sasquatches

An Ophthalmologist in Windsor Ontario presented a theory that Sasquatches may not have binocular vision but rather eyes on both sides of their heads, like fish, some birds and the Spears children. He began his investigation after noticing that in most Sasquatch photos, the beast is in profile. The German-born doctor concluded that the Sasquatch was most likely staring into the lens with one eye, not avoiding detection, but pointing his best side forward.

Sasquatch Safari Ends in Tragedy

A tour operator was charged with criminally negligent homicide when he allowed a tourist to shoot at a Sasquatch. The tour operator was conducting what he promotes as a Sasqu-fari (sasquatch viewing safaris). When one of his clients fired a shot from a .38 calibre handgun it struck and killed the man hired by the tour company to wear a Sasquatch costume. In his defense, the tour operator said, "I didn't think that old broad would actually hit anything."

The Last Sasquatch Supper?

Davinci Code conspiracy theorists are upset by the allegation that The Last Supper was painted over a landscape that may have included the earliest rendering of the Sasquatch. The Catholic Church is upset by the controversy and claims that the Sasquatch is a Bhuddist.

Sasquatches Upset By Tiny Shutterbugs

Lawyers claiming to represent Sasquatches filed a suit in a Japanese court claiming that Asian paparazzi were forcing the Sasquatch to move further north. They argued that this invasion of privacy was forcing the Sasquatch away from the food supply the giant beast needs in order to survive. The judge presiding over the case dismissed it stating that proof of existence was necessary before any rights to privacy could be enforced. One of the accused paparazzi has gone missing since the verdict was handed down.

Little Squirrels Hold Big Clue to Sasquatch Mystery

Four live squirrels were retrieved from what park rangers in Romania called "an enormous pile of suspicious feces". Sasquatch watchers in the region believe that this supports their theory that the Sasquatch is toothless, swallows his food whole and has a very retarded metabolism.

Sasquatches Get Corked in France

According to Stationery Executive and Week-end Enthusiast magazine, we may have Sasquatches to thank for the modern cork board found in homes and offices all over the world. Sasquatches in France routinely stuck news reporters to cork trees using the tines of pitch forks. The soft wood made it easy to peg unwanted journalist to the trees as a warning to others. French entrepreneurs ran with the idea and the rest is history. The same reports suggests, but stops short of alleging, that Sasquatch goober may have the low-adhesion properties that inspired post-it notes. But no one really believes that.

Give to Your Local Sasquatch

A special bank account, overseen by Canada’s Royal Mounted Police (Mounties) contains over $4.2 million left to Sasquatches in wills and private trusts.

Sasquatch Museum Puts Heroes on Ice

Freeze drying may be the latest craze for pet owners who don’t want to part with their beloved, dead animals, but for Sasquatches the practice is nothing new. Long before humans discovered freeze-dried coffee, Sasquatches were collecting lesser known American military figures for their “Stars and Strips on Ice” museum. The collection includes the guy who left the road map to the Alamo at an all-you-can-drink toga party.

It's Road Kill for Sasquatch Super Model

Protestors threw road kill and Jamaican beef patties at Yar, the Sasquatch super model as she left a fashion show last week in the Black Forest. One Sasquatch yelled “Eat something, you anti-savage,” and hurled an Olsen twin at the hairy icon. An apologist for the group said, “You have to understand. Big is a major component of our global brand identity strategy. If we compromise on a core component of our value-for-mystery strategy, then we open the doors to interplanetary competition and people start talking about Michael Jackson and crop circles again.”

You Can't Keep a Good Sasquatch Down

When a Sasquatch dies, his or her hair continues to grow for one week. Toenails have been reported to keep growing for up to two weeks, and in Oklahoma a taxidermist reported a three-week-old Sasquatch corpse that had to be frozen to prevent it from farting. (It’s true, you can’t make this stuff up.)

The Cow Jumped Over the Sasquatch

Sovereignty and property rights in space will no doubt become more significant as the technology to propel objects and wealthy tourists into outer space becomes more mainstream. Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon have already expressed a willingness to negotiate in good faith with anyone planning to use the territory for good not evil.

Sasquatch Heroes Slippery When Wet

An jungle version of Teflon spray, made from anal gland secretions, may have given Sasquatches an advantage in the jungles of Laos, according to a Vietnem veteran who claims a Sasquatch led him to freedom when he deserted the war in 1970. He plans to publish his story in an upcoming novel, “Stinky and Slippery When Wet.”