Seriously? A missing Sasquatch Report?

Boy, you can't make this stuff up.

Below is a real news story, by people who get paid, and who therefore have to give a damn about honesty. Scroll down. It's worth it:

A missing Sasquatch report has been filed with Kiski Township Police.

Sasquatch Statue Stolen From Spring Church Store
SPRING CHURCH (KDKA) ― A theft at a convenience store in Armstrong county has an entire town on edge, but the bad guy didn't get away with money. Nicole Hosack, owner of Nikki's Quick Six store in Spring Church, says someone made off with the store's mascot of sorts - a three foot tall, wooden Sasquatch.

"They walked over to Sasquatch while my employee was paying attention to wrapping up food. And they put the coat over it and walked out the door," Hosack said. The statue was a Christmas present for the owner's husband and it became a popular photo opportunity.

"For someone to go and take something that means something so much to us, it's just a shame, and we just want him back, we really do," Hosack said.

A missing Sasquatch report has been filed with Kiski Township Police. The store's owner is offering a $100 reward for the statue's safe return. (© MMVIII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)

Sasquatches Plan Ceremony for Carlin

Carlin is best known for his comedy, but he is also famous in Sasquatch circles for his disappearing body routine. Sasquatches prize invisibility and will miss the funny man greatly. Shown here, the legendary comic disappears before a sold-out crowd at the abandoned terrorist training facility turned Sasquatch retreat just north of Kettleby, Ontario.

Sasquatch Fast Fact

Mo Jito was a famous Sasquatch saxophonist.

Music to Sasquatch Ears

On a staff retreat in the Mayan Riviera, our team of Bolivian researchers confirmed that the music piped through the faux rock speaks by the meandering pool was being played live by a Sasquatch orchestra located in the underground parking lot. A conductor who prefers anonymity says, "Even though no one sees them, they wear full concert dress and practice perfect posture. It makes the music better."