Canadian PM Not Carrying Sasquatch Love Child

Rumours that the Canadian Prime Minister is pregnant with a Sasquatch baby have been vehemently denied by Sasquatch officials, quote: “The reverse effect on evolution could set off a cosmic chain reaction of William Shatner proportion.” We don’t know what that means.

You Made Us Do It. We Didn't Want a Druid.

A self-proclaimed Druidist claims that the monuments at Stone Henge contain giant Sasquatches frozen in suspended animation like Han Solo in Stars. He denies allegations that he is just another science wienie with an Internet connection and musty old copies of National Geographic hidden in his Big Jim camper.

Sasquatch Collector Stamps Due Soon

“Hollywood bombshells” will be the theme for the latest run of Sasquatch collector stamps. Bride of Godzilla, will go on sale at select Sasquatch Post locations starting in February 2007.

Sasquatches Go Out on a Limb for Mentally Ill

The DMS, the world’s Who’s Who of Mental Illness has added Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) to its list of acknowledge mental illnesses (this much is actually true). People who suffer from BIID choose to have healthy limbs amputated (so far, so true). A philosophical debate is raging. Should physicians perform this unnecessary surgery to prevent BIID sufferers from performing their own home amputations? In response, the Sasquatch community has volunteered to chew off any unwanted limbs for free.

More Useless Sasquatch Facts

All Sasquatches complete a mandatory PHD in psychiatry by the age of 30.

No Sasquatches smoke. Their snot is flammable.

Sasquatch Readers Write

Dear FSR,
I’m tired of all the obviously pubescent gags about farts in the Sasquatch Report. Are you guys adults? Do your parents know that you do this?

Dear A. Dult,

You can ask any of the Bolivian illegals locked downstairs in our research department, they will tell you that we run a clean, professional, adult operation here. If you need a band to play at the ceremony when your sense of humour arrives, call us. Oops gotta go let one. See ya.

Dear FSR,
I hate the Sasquatch and I want to opt out. How do I do that?

Dear Loser,
If you really want to opt out, we suggest sleeping pills and vodka. Frankly, it sounds like you opted out a long time ago. Pop, pop, glug, glug, oh what a relief it is.

Until next time, live clean, stay away from drugs and vodka, keep your head down and DON’T forget to shave your back.

Yes. Sasquatches Celebrate Christmas.

This time of year, a lot of readers ask, "Do Sasquatches Celebrate Christmas?"

Yes they do. Sasquatches are hard-drinking, loafing, financially independent, high-ranking members of the mythical food chain. They have access to beer, virtually no sexual taboos and remarkable stamina. They celebrate every national and religious holiday, oftening partying from one holiday to the next.

Today, Sasquatches around the world are observing the Festival of Lights (Israel). Tomorrow, they will celebrate Separation Day (Anguilla) and the day after that is Square Dance Til You Puke Or Someone Pops a Cap in Yer Ass Day (A small number of ZIP codes in Texas).

Sasquatches of Arts and Letters

When Canadian author and icon Mordecai Richler died, Random House Canada, his publisher, commissioned a typeface to be created in his honour, called of course, Richler. This much is true.

It's also true that a number of the fonts we have on our computers, here at the head office of Your Friday Sasquatch Report, are also named after celebrated writers, including alphabetically Byron, Cicero, Dante and Swift. This much is true.

A Spanish design firm recently created Big Foot, a typeface that celebrates the disproportionate aspects of Sasquatch anatomy. The feet are large, all ascendors are slightly hunched and it's particularly hard to see, except at dawn, and then only for a few seconds.

What's New at Sasquatch Zoo?

The most popular exhibits at the Sasquatch public zoo in San Hillary, are 1. postman 2. Jimmy Hoffa 3. Elvis 4. Stay-at-home husband 5. Unicorn 6. Gene Rayburn 7. Sneazy

Sleep Tight Smelly Sasquatch

“Imagine a world with no mufflers.” This is the first line of a doctoral thesis published last week through the faculty of music studies at a prominent Irish university. The newly crowned doctor traces modern automobile mufflers to Australian Aboriginal didgeridoos (a long musical instrument like a trumpet that turns fluttering lip movement into moose calls). However, the thesis suggests, the didgeridoo was inspired by a nighttime flatulence suppressant used by Sasquatches to muffler nocturnal gas. Today, the use of nighttime fart mufflers is almost exclusively ceremonial, much like didgeridoo playing and using mufflers to disguise the true environmental impact of internal combustion engines. And so, as the Judge says, the dance goes on.

Our Readers Write

Dear FSR,
I didn’t receive a Sasquatch Report last week, or the week before. What gives?

Dear You Should Surf Porn Instead,
Our new software is able to detect Sasquatch Report readers who are not wearing any clothes or are clearly intoxicated. It blocks our message under the “Sanctity of Pure Scientific Communications” statute. Sorry big guy.

Let's Ask a Sasquatch

Scientists in Argentina recently got the opportunity to ask a panel of Sasquatches the question that every skeptic has been asking in his, or her, Sasquatch-hating, tiny, little, brain - why haven't you evolved? The Sasquatch panel responded, "when you get here, you'll know." Then they ate them.

What can we say? We can barely afford the heat and hydro it takes to keep our team of illegal Bolivian musician researchers busy. We can't fact check everything. Maybe there are weapons of mass defecation in every Sasquatch ass??? We don't know. Damn it Jim, we're just fake journalists.

Like You Needed More Sasquatch Drama

A new poll suggests that hide-out makeover programs are now the most popular shows on Sasquatch satellite television. Audiences particularly enjoy the heightened drama toward the end of each episode when the host pretends to be running out of time. "Save My Cave" and "Wait Til Your Sasquatch Daddy Gets Home" are neck-and-neck for the number one spot.

This begs the question, "Why don't we see more Sasquatch hide-out makeover shows on Swedish cable?"

Sasquatch Opera and Sweden - a Headshaker.

An all-Sasquatch opera made its debut in Sweden this week. "Pleasures of the Groin, a Forest Tale" delighted a packed house and prompted one critic to ask, "Why don't we see more all-Sasquatch operas?" We ask ourselves, "Is that all it takes to be a Swedish opera critic?"

Anal Retentive Sasquatch Plea - Ga-Ross.

We rarely donate space to special interest groups, but we recently received a very emotional letter from a reader. He is a Physician working with Doctors Without Shame. He and his colleagues have spent the last year in the field, performing free colo-rectal exams on Sasquatches, checking for early signs of Cancer and amassing a collection of odd souvenirs. On behalf of Dr. Morris Better, we are publishing the following plea:

"Would the Sasquatch who stole my wrist watch please return it. I don't know how you did that, but I want it back. It has great sentimental value. I applaud your muscular dexterity but I want my watch back. A reward is offered. Please wash the watch and mail it in confidence to the good folks at the Sasquatch Report. No charges will be filed."

Well, we certainly wish Dr. Better all the luck in the world.

Strange But True Sasquatch Fact

Sasquatches have no word for plunger.

Sasquatches Go Astray

Members of a fringe Sasquatch anti-domesticity movement in Maui were convicted of impersonating an animal services group for the purpose of illegally acquiring stray animals. No word if this is part of the group’s relocation or barbeque strategy.

Sasquatches No Speaky Italiano Eh

Peace Officers in Nunavut, Canada arrested 14 Sasquatches and several members of Nunavut’s Italian Relations Department at a protest rally. Protestors claimed that Dr. Awan Ashada-Morfin was being illegally held in a province-run halfway house. The Sasquatches held up signs while the Italian delegates chanted FREE-ASHADA-MORFIN. The protest attracted a large and unruly crowd of underemployed locals.

Must Be a Western Sasquatch Thing

A Sasquatch artist in residence at a prominent Western Ontario University has completed a taxidermy exhibit that depicts ‘the influence of the Sasquatch on the outcome of the War of 1812’.

Classic Sasquatch Media Bashing

The world-famous Brazilian Sasquatch Cellist, Amori Chistollini, winner of several Platinum Music Awards, a Fellow of the Christian Sasquatch Brotherhood, inventor of Insullin (although he lost the patent in a poker game in London, Ontario), founder of the Feed the Humans movement, father of 83 Sasquatch and human offspring, devout teacher and renowned philanthropist, has been widely criticized in the media for having a really silly name for a Sasquatch.

Sasquatches Rock!

Recent drillings suggest that during the Pleistocene Ice Age an outdoor Sasquatch concert created an artificial earthquake (think Madness, London, mid 80s), that led to the severing of the land bridge, and the creation on the North American continent.

Strange But True Sasquatch Fact

All Sasquatches complete a mandatory PHD in psychiatry by the age of 30.

CSI Sasquatch

The blood and tissue makeup of male Sasquatches prevents them from reaching terminal velocity when falling. If a male and a female Sasquatch jumped off of a building at the same time, the female would land first. But the difference in the two times would not be significant enough to allow the male to land on the female and break his fall.

Sasquatch Logs Make a Difference

Thousands of Sasquatches showed up last month for a highly unusual charity home build in Manitoba, Canada. It took the volunteer mass just five days to construct an authentic log home, made from you guessed it, Sasquatch “logs”.

Sasquatch Experiment Stinks

A fifth-grader in Cleveland is appealling his failing grade for a science fair experiment. In the appeal, he says that his teacher "has never smelled a real Sasquatch fart, and therefore can't say for sure that his Sasquatch Fart Replicator Machine doesn't work."

The editorial staff of Your Friday Sasquatch Report has offered to appear as expert witnesses.

Mexicans Tight-Lipped About Sasquatch Ploy

Mexican authorities attempted to lure Sasquatches out of the woods by advertising a moustache look-a-look contest. Sasquatches were encouraged to fashion their notoriously coarse and smelly lip hair to resemble famous moustaches. Contestants could enter in any of the following categories:

Rip Van Winkle, Otto von Habsburg, Kemal Ataturk, Attila the Hun, Wilhelm the I and II, Mohandas Ghandi, Emiliano Zapata, Theodore Roosevelt, George Clemenceau, Maxim Gorky, Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Horatio Kitchener, Martin Luther King, Salvador Dali, Albert Einstein, Albert Schweitzer, Friedrich Nietzshe, Freddie Mercury, Douglas Fairbanks, Clark Gable, Charlie Chaplin, Errol Flynn, Hulk Hogan, Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday or Mexican President Vicente Fox.

That’s our attempt to look like professional, unbiased journalism and it’s your Sasquatch Report. Until we look at each other again, keep your head down and don’t forget to shave your back.

No Sasquatch Ban at Penguin Classic

Antarctica was once again host to the annual “Running With The Penguins” festival last month. The notoriously slow event attracts only the most patient thrill seekers. One fox, two deer and a raccoon suffered serious injury when an intoxicated Sasquatch attempted to slide across the icy terrain like the famous Emperor Penguins. Officials say this is the first incident of its kind and they won’t ban Sasquatches from future events.

Sasquatch Disappearing Act Ignites Controversy

Skeptics say "No Bones - No Sasquatches". Their theory is: everything dies and decays somewhere. If Sasquatches exist, they ask, why are there no fossils, no skeletons or bad Sasquatches buried in the footings of Manhatten skyscrapers? A doctor in Oaxaca City, in Oaxaca, Mexico believes he has the answer. Docta Oaxaca, as he's known to locals, suggests that Sasquatch skeletons dissolve within minutes of death. "He hopes to breed chickens with Sasquatches to create Boneless Buffalo Wings.

We at the Friday Sasquatch Report say, atta boy Docta Oaxaca! You send us a postcard when that happens.

Sasquatches Light Up the Dark Side

Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon are now selling advertising space in the form of large, neon billboards. The Sasquatch advertising journal, AdWatch, calls the idea a revolutionary use of shade.

Pasta Traced to Sasquatch Philosophers

An Italian Sasquatchologist tracing the centuries-old connection between Sasquatches and pasta has uncovered proof that most of today's popular shapes are named after ancient Sasquatch philosophers, including Cavatappi, Conchiglie, Mostaccioli and Vermicelli. He regrets to inform readers that Bow Tie pasta was named by the University's advertising agency. He calls the decision crass and obvious, accusing the writers of settling for the low-hanging fruit of obvious visual connection. So far, no one seems to give a damn about this.

Big Feet. Big Balls in the Air.

At the Keep Your Big Balls in the Air Sasquatch jugglers convention in South Africa, three live lions landed in the audience when the warm-up act was distracted by papparazzi. A spokeslion said, "Had they been sober, they could have got hurt."

Canadian Bombshell Tops Sasquatch List

Pam Anderson continues to dominate the “top ten humans you’d like to golf with” list in this month's Sasquatch Quarterly magazine.

Sasquenomics Rocks the Air Waves

At an economic conference for Sasquatches held at an abandoned terrorist sleeper cell training camp in northern Canada, a prominent Sasquatch economist revealed his conclusion that we could cut green house emissions by simply asking rock stars to stop flying around the world in private 747s just to tell the rest of us why we’re screwing up the world.

Bring Your Sasquatch to Work Day

British parliament refused to debate the reinstatement of Bring Your Sasquatch to Work Day. In an official press release the uptight bastards said, "It was cool when you were all serfs, making the elite few rich. Back then, we didn't mind a few extra strong backs in the field." Damage to vending machines and plumbing issues were also cited as minor concerns.

Sasquatch Hell Driver Punishes Beetle

A Sasquatch Hell Driver has successfully circumnavigated Greenland driving on two wheels. His unmodified 1974 Volkswagen Beetle was refueled enroute thanks to a generous donation of cash, manpower and an Air Force refueling chopper. Okay, we made the bit about the chopper up. He stopped for gas a few times.

Sasquatches First In With Nuclear Power

Recently declassified documents suggest that Sasquatches had nuclear capability as early as 1750. They abandoned the technology when cheaper, safer ways to pasteurize beer were invented.

Sidelines for Sasquatch Punter

The coach of a Denver high school football team was forced to sideline his star kicker pending the results of a DNA analysis. The seven-foot teen was first suspected of being a Sasquatch when league officials noticed that he didn't speak and shaved his entire body three times a day. The final straw came when the team's mascot accused him of slipping date rape drugs into the Gatorade.

Sasquatch Driver Gets Big Foot Sweet Spot

A Sasquatch golf club manufacturer has introduced “Great Big Jesus”, an enormous golf club with a one-foot sweet spot. They are calling it their most forgiving driver yet.

Getting Heavy on Heavy Footed Sasquatches

Officials in Cremona, Italy have launched an aggressive campaign to encourage Sasquatch drivers to conserve fuel by driving slower. During Operation Big Foot Light Foot Sasquatches who are clocked on radar at or below the posted speed limit are pulled over and given a FREE Gordon Lightfoot on Strings Violin Compilation CD.

In a related story, scientists have calculated that aggressive Sasquatch drivers produce 137% more pollution than the average human driver. Coincidentally, the average Sasquatch foot is 137% larger than an average human foot but weighs eleven times more.

State Troopers in Tennessee have launched an anti-speeding campaign of their own. They call it Lead Foot Dead Foot. Speeding Sasquatches are simply gunned down without warning.

Sasquatch Pornos in Johnny Walker Black and White

Rare black and white footage captured by an “amateur” film-making couple showed up at on auction in Holland for vintage pornography. An astute Sasquatchologist viewed the film and discovered that the couple’s Super 8 tripod movie may have captured part of an ancient Sasquatch burial ritual. Then, he thought, “no I’m just drunk” and he went home.

Silent But Deadly Sasquatches

A Taiwanese recording studio attempted to sound-proof their facility using Sasquatch butt hairs. The President of the studio said it made perfect sense at the time. “Their survival depends on stealth-like movement and undetectable motion. Surely, their notorious flatulence would put them at risk. The answer had to lie in the unique texture of their butt hairs.” Following the evacuation of a village and a four-alarm blaze that raged for two days, he admitted, “It was a dumb idea.”

Sasquatch Burgers to Go, and FAST

A Mexican restaurateur in the tiny village of San Jose Del Pacifico invited three professional speed eaters, known as gurgitators, to race through a whopping 42-pound burger that he called the Sasquatch Special. The invitation was misinterpreted as ‘burgers made from Sasquatches’ and health officials demanded that he provide a list of ingredients along with mandatory nutritional information. The competition was cancelled with no explanation.

Wow. You can't make stuff up like this. Sasquatch truth is stranger than Sasquatch fiction.

The Good Side of Camera Conscious Sasquatches

An Ophthalmologist in Windsor Ontario presented a theory that Sasquatches may not have binocular vision but rather eyes on both sides of their heads, like fish, some birds and the Spears children. He began his investigation after noticing that in most Sasquatch photos, the beast is in profile. The German-born doctor concluded that the Sasquatch was most likely staring into the lens with one eye, not avoiding detection, but pointing his best side forward.

Sasquatch Safari Ends in Tragedy

A tour operator was charged with criminally negligent homicide when he allowed a tourist to shoot at a Sasquatch. The tour operator was conducting what he promotes as a Sasqu-fari (sasquatch viewing safaris). When one of his clients fired a shot from a .38 calibre handgun it struck and killed the man hired by the tour company to wear a Sasquatch costume. In his defense, the tour operator said, "I didn't think that old broad would actually hit anything."

The Last Sasquatch Supper?

Davinci Code conspiracy theorists are upset by the allegation that The Last Supper was painted over a landscape that may have included the earliest rendering of the Sasquatch. The Catholic Church is upset by the controversy and claims that the Sasquatch is a Bhuddist.

Sasquatches Upset By Tiny Shutterbugs

Lawyers claiming to represent Sasquatches filed a suit in a Japanese court claiming that Asian paparazzi were forcing the Sasquatch to move further north. They argued that this invasion of privacy was forcing the Sasquatch away from the food supply the giant beast needs in order to survive. The judge presiding over the case dismissed it stating that proof of existence was necessary before any rights to privacy could be enforced. One of the accused paparazzi has gone missing since the verdict was handed down.

Little Squirrels Hold Big Clue to Sasquatch Mystery

Four live squirrels were retrieved from what park rangers in Romania called "an enormous pile of suspicious feces". Sasquatch watchers in the region believe that this supports their theory that the Sasquatch is toothless, swallows his food whole and has a very retarded metabolism.

Sasquatches Get Corked in France

According to Stationery Executive and Week-end Enthusiast magazine, we may have Sasquatches to thank for the modern cork board found in homes and offices all over the world. Sasquatches in France routinely stuck news reporters to cork trees using the tines of pitch forks. The soft wood made it easy to peg unwanted journalist to the trees as a warning to others. French entrepreneurs ran with the idea and the rest is history. The same reports suggests, but stops short of alleging, that Sasquatch goober may have the low-adhesion properties that inspired post-it notes. But no one really believes that.

Give to Your Local Sasquatch

A special bank account, overseen by Canada’s Royal Mounted Police (Mounties) contains over $4.2 million left to Sasquatches in wills and private trusts.

Sasquatch Museum Puts Heroes on Ice

Freeze drying may be the latest craze for pet owners who don’t want to part with their beloved, dead animals, but for Sasquatches the practice is nothing new. Long before humans discovered freeze-dried coffee, Sasquatches were collecting lesser known American military figures for their “Stars and Strips on Ice” museum. The collection includes the guy who left the road map to the Alamo at an all-you-can-drink toga party.

It's Road Kill for Sasquatch Super Model

Protestors threw road kill and Jamaican beef patties at Yar, the Sasquatch super model as she left a fashion show last week in the Black Forest. One Sasquatch yelled “Eat something, you anti-savage,” and hurled an Olsen twin at the hairy icon. An apologist for the group said, “You have to understand. Big is a major component of our global brand identity strategy. If we compromise on a core component of our value-for-mystery strategy, then we open the doors to interplanetary competition and people start talking about Michael Jackson and crop circles again.”

You Can't Keep a Good Sasquatch Down

When a Sasquatch dies, his or her hair continues to grow for one week. Toenails have been reported to keep growing for up to two weeks, and in Oklahoma a taxidermist reported a three-week-old Sasquatch corpse that had to be frozen to prevent it from farting. (It’s true, you can’t make this stuff up.)

The Cow Jumped Over the Sasquatch

Sovereignty and property rights in space will no doubt become more significant as the technology to propel objects and wealthy tourists into outer space becomes more mainstream. Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon have already expressed a willingness to negotiate in good faith with anyone planning to use the territory for good not evil.

Sasquatch Heroes Slippery When Wet

An jungle version of Teflon spray, made from anal gland secretions, may have given Sasquatches an advantage in the jungles of Laos, according to a Vietnem veteran who claims a Sasquatch led him to freedom when he deserted the war in 1970. He plans to publish his story in an upcoming novel, “Stinky and Slippery When Wet.”

A Breath of Bad Air

A two million dollar scientific grant was given to a chemist in Turkey who proved that while Sasquatch breath can bring a penny back to its original shine faster than any commercially prepared colas, it’s just not as refreshing. We applaud this use of tax dollars. Right now, our team of researchers is attempting to determine if 19 pints of Guinness will get you more pissed than two. We hope to receive funding shortly.

Amish Sasquatches Raise Eyebrows

A set of pencil sketches sold at an auction in Acton, Ontario have some historians raising an eyebrow. The sketches depict the various stages of an Amish barn raising. Several thin lines, depicting ropes, extend beyond the borders of the scenes. When the sketches were removed from their frames, the canvas revealed that the lines disappeared behind large hay stacks. This leads many Sasquatchologists to believe that Sasquatches and the Amish may have bonded over their mutual refrain from using electricity. Several members of both communities have denied the connection in messages sent on their Blackberries.

A Tasty Dorsal About Sasquatch Feet

A US Oceanographer claims that Dolphins have as many words for “Sasquatch” as the Inuit do for “Snow”. Being vain and superior-minded, dolphins have no word for “feet”.

Big Foot Lost in Translation

A Chinese manufacturer of odor absorbent insoles voluntarily withdrew a series of ads running in English newspapers throughout Europe. Those in the “cleaner than pigs” camp within the Sasquatch community took offence when the company’s slogan “Kills Strong Foot Odor” was translated into: EATS BIG FOOT ODOR.

Big Feet. Big Hearts. Big Success

Sasquatches from all over the Northwest Territories took part in this year’s Cab for the Cure. A spokesSasquatch, commented, “These guys spend a lot of time on their feet. It’s not fair to ask them to bike, jog or skate for charity.” Sasqatches can choose between a 5K cab ride or the more demanding 10K.

Kinky Sasquatch Encounter Confirms Myth

A woman in the United States claims that she had a romantic threesome with former basketball great Wilt Chamberlain and a Sasquatch from Canada's west coast. Asked to comment on the experience, she said, "You know what they say about big feet."

Canadian Novel Leads to Sasquatch Tragedy

A shot was fired through the window of a drycleaner in Michigan when a pedestrian noticed the owner of the store wrestling with a large brown duvet and mistook the situation as a Sasquatch attack. The shooter claimed to be particularly vulnerable to suggestion after reading the Canadian novel "Monkey Beach." [Reprint.]

Sasquatch Painters Tower Over Paris

A new book that explores the contribution of Sasquatches to modern architecture and design suggests that Sasquatches may have been ordered to paint the Eifel Tower as a form of community service. The sentence was handed down after dozens of Sasquatches partied all night atop the famous monument, throwing empty wine bottles at tourists and relieving themselves without discretion. Brindle shit brown was the only colour that would mask the damage.

Sasquatches Go Crusing

According to a San Diego news source, the number of Californians that reported seeing a Sasquatch last week was the same as the number of Sasquatches who reported seeing Tom Cruse's baby. A local math teacher, at the elementary school, who started out as the phys. ed teacher, but had to learn, and take on, math after a colleague overdosed, said about the statistical coincidence, "Yeah, that is kinda weird. How would Sasquatches know where to find Tom Cruse's baby?"

Sasquatch Not So Idol Anymore

This report was sent to us by a foreign correspondent. We enjoy receiving stories from around the world because we can spend less time researching and more time drinking Lagavulin. That's right, Lagavulin, the scotch made famous in David Eddie's novel "Chump Change".

American Idol’s first Sasquatch contestant was eliminated this week after delivering a controversial performance. The Elvis impersonator – Smelvis – had previously been a fan favorite, and drove a spike in the ratings with his renditions of "All Shook Up" and "Blue Suede Shoes." Extensive damage to the stage aside, the producers were delighted with the increased viewership. However, he took a creative gamble by singing his original country tune "Itchin’ for Lovin’" and plummeted out of favour. Smelvis said that he needed to break out creatively, and would take that same chance again. He always knew this could happen, and simply plans on returning to his day job as an esthetician in Brooklyn.

Sasquatches Breath Easy in Airborn Crisis

According to the Centre for Disease Hysteria, Sasquatches are able to grow facial hair at will. This allows them to produce a thick, hairy face mask, on a moment's notice. When the threat of airborne contamination is over, they simply cut the hair off and go back about their business. We at the Sasquatch Report wonder if Andy Rhooney has the same control over his eyebrows.

Canine In-breeding Threatens Sasquatch Safety

In-breeding of canines to produce cute, urban-sounding names like cock-a-pooh (think about that) has lead to fewer and fewer breeds being born able to speak Sasquatch. It's a well documented fact that dogs have protected Sasquatches for millions of years by leading hunters away.

Ancient Sasquatch Shot Put Alters Human History

Early humans couldn't decide. Should we live in trees? Should we live on the ground? There's no doubt that the early homosapiens who chose the ground did better for themselves. But new evidence suggests that they may not have made this decision on their own. It turns out that Sasquatch younglings often threw rocks at the shorter, less-hairy pre-humans to knock them out of trees. Two points for a hit. Double if you caught them in your mouth. The dense canopy of leaves prevented a long, arching shot, so heavy rocks had to be flung vertically, up the trunk. This motion, we would recognize as the shot put.

Drug Sniffing Sasquatches Turn Noses Up on New Deal

Drug sniffing Sasquatch in Nunavut launched a wild cat strike, leaving the province’s airports vulnerable to smugglers. The striking Sasquatch say they can’t do their jobs properly if forced to wear fine mesh screens over their noses. The airport authority says it’s the only way to stop [the Sasquatch] from inhaling all evidence of crime.

Sasquatches Go For Elvis Record

Residents of a tiny hamlet in Germany woke up to the sound of a 45-foot flatbed truck loaded with 82 Sasquatch Elvis impersonators. According to a spokesperson, the stunt was inspired by U2’s guerilla marketing tactics. Had the event been properly documented, it would have broken the current record for the largest number of Elvis impersonators to appear on one stage. Sadly, local journalists were unable to capture any clear images – mostly, black and white, out-of-focus, blurred shots of creatures that could, or could not, be real Sasquatches – you know, the same old story.

Sasquatch Report Goes Global

World, the Sasquatch Report.

In an attempt to put both our big feet into the modern world, we the editorial staff of Your Friday Sasquatch Report have created a blog.

With this powerful new tool we can be irrelevant to more people, in more places than ever before.

Tune in often and don't forget to shave your back and keep your head down.