Crash Test Sasquatch Scandal

Boy oh boy, it's a slow news day in the woods.

Mechanical drawings for oversized chariots, and little pencil drawings of Sasquatch flying through the air, suggest that the vulgar and grotesque practice of using live Sasquatch as involuntary crash-test dummies is a myth that dates back to the Roman Era.

The Sasquatch is Dead. Long live the King.

Imagine our shock when one of our illegal Bolivian researches came across this weird Sasquatch connection while playing the woody pipe in the subway this morning.

Shoot you not. These are Elvis Presley lyrics:

Big Boots (draw your own conclusions, my loyal readers)
(words & music by Wayne - Edwards)
They call your daddy Big Boots
And Big Boots is his name
It takes a big man to wear big boots
That's your daddy's claim to fame
They know your daddy Big Boots
Wherever soldiers are
'Cause he can handle an armored tank
Just like a kiddy can
So sleep little soldier
Don't you cry
Loo loo loo loo
Loo loo loo
General sandman's soon coming by
Loo loo loo loo
Loo loo loo
I'm gonna tell you a little secret
You won't believe it's true
Did you know your
Daddy Big Boots
Once wore little boots like you

C'mon sexy, who's your Daddy Big Boots?

Irony of Sasquatch Ironies

According to a recent Pol (really, he just relocated), only 11% of Sasquatch believe in a “hobbit-like” species of human, given the scientific name of Homo Floresiensis, shown here looking like a dwarf Dr. Zeus preparing to bed an inflatable rat doll.

Cryptozoologists call the creature Orang Pendek.

Of course they do. And we think that's ok.

Sasquatch Nails Russian in Snowbank

With the first snow fall barely on the ground, a Sasquatch in Canada's Northwest Territories has set a new world record for pee writing.

After drinking a bladder-busting 156 bottles of Canadian beer, he managed to write the entire first line of Tolstoy's classic, 'Anna Karenina'.

'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'

This photo is Tolstoy, not a Sasquatch.

The Dropkick on Sasquatch Rumour

The rumour that the Irish mega-drinking band, The DROPKICK MURPHYS will not perform without at least one Sasquatch in the audience is just that - a rumour. But of all the rumours our team of illegal Bolivian researchers uncover, this one makes the most sense to us.

Rising Canadian Dollar Good for Sasquatches

Blame the new intern on our research team for this one.

A noted demographer hypothesizes that the rise of the Canadian dollar againt the Yankee Greenback will keep American hunters and fisherpeople away Canada's fresh-water haven, creating more privacy for Sasquatches, triggering the 45th Sasquatch Baby Boom in recorded history.

Sasquatches Forgiven for Mount Sasqumore Stunt

Sasquatches in Southern Italy were forgiven for carving their version of Mount Rushmore into the side of an open-pit marble mining site. Instead of dead presidents, the Sasquatch hooligans carved chubby dead comediens Buddy Hackett, Jonathan Harshman Winters and Benny Hill alongside future Hall-of-Famer Chevy Chase. Bob Newhart's people had no comment on why the aging megacomic was overlooked for the predictable Chase.