Lights. Camera. No Sasquatch.

Q. Why do Sasquatches take media training courses?

A. Because no one wants a big foot in their mouth!

Okay, it’s a dumb joke. But it’s been part of the opening address at the Sasquatch Media Training facility in Washington D.C. since the school opened in 1967.

Sasquatches from all over the world descend on the centre each year. They learn the fundamentals of media relations, public not speaking, propaganda and brand building.

It’s this methodical approach to dealing with the outside world that has always protected the Sasquatches three key brand attributes: modesty, mystery and mischief.

Here are just a few of the techniques taught to Sasquatch delegates.

When observed by photographers, don’t panic. Glance over your shoulder and project an image of friendliness with just a hint of I’ll suck your face off like the fudge layer on a cheap brownie. This will discourage photographers from coming closer.

Never run. It’s a sign of weakness. If escape is necessary, lumber toward a large tree, look up and point. When your enemy looks up, drop and roll to safety. No one looks for Sasquatches on the ground.

Never speak, regardless of how many languages you know. Humans will be impressed for a little while but then they will turn the conversation back to them and you will never shut them up. There is both peace and mystery in silence.

Sasquatches Wait for Groundhog Day

In a suburb of Kentucky, Gill the Groundhog popped his head out of his hole.

He saw a large shadow just before the Sasquatch bit his head off.

Sasquatch Readers Write

I’m curious. I recently watched a television program on feral children. I’m wondering if there are any documented cases of Sasquatches being raised in civilization by humans. You know, the opposite sort of thing.

Dear Curious,

We don’t know. Why don’t you ask The Man in the Yellow Hat?

Next!

Sasquatches Go Down for Pleasure

In a recent article titled, “The Magma Myth”, a prominent geologist suggests that the earth’s core may be a popular travel destination for Sasquatches. It makes sense, says the author, “Creating a myth about burning hot magma would sure keep the sissies and the geeks the hell out of there.”

Sasquatch. James Sasquatch.

An ancient Sasquatch spy manual may explain why so few Sasquatches are seen or photographed. According to the secret files, now in the possession of Canadian authorities, who are channel surfing between satellite footage of radical fringe terrorist cell training camps and “Maple Sugar Tapping with the Stars”, Sasquatches may be blue with a layer of clear, light absorbent fur, similar to that found on polar bears, which are, of course, black.

If the documents are true and reliable, a Sasquatch’s may be able to stand with his or her back to the sun and “disappear” into the horizon. The light from the sun, absorbed by clear fur would radiate glue or grey, thus creating the closest thing to invisibility known to modern spy technologists.

If the documents turn out to be false, it's doubtful that anyone will give crap.

Sasquatch Butt -Gamble the Spice of Life

This one’s weird and could be true. It appears that curry can be traced back to an ancient Sasquatch betting game. In days of old, Sasquatches would bet on the number of spices they could eat at once. The Sasquatch who “calls” the bet passes the bowl to his or her opponent who must then consume the contents and refrain from farting for 30 minutes.

Sasquatch Pass Fire to the Wrong Man-Apes

It appears that humans were not the first species chosen for rapid and over-privileged evolution. Sasquatch meeting reports indicate the Sasquatch Council for a Sustainable Food Chain had considered passing on the secrets of fire and technology to a number of mammals before settling on humans. The final decision was based on opposable thumbs and the lack of threat presented by a soft-on-the-outside, clawless, fangless, sissy-in-the-winter, bald, clumsy, wingless, indecisive creature.

Boy, were they wrong.

Whoa Nessy Whoa. Sasquatch Dead Ahead.

Mayhem ensued as members of a Scottish rugby team crashed their fake Lock Ness Monster into a fake Lock Ness Monster piloted by a crew of Sasquatch hooligans.

The mishap took place during the annual Claw Foot Bathtub Racing Regatta in Scotland. Local papers recorded the event as a rarely-seen mating ritual. Insiders say the ill-fated pranksters made the most of the accident by burning their Monsters on the shore and drinking for three days.

Sasquatch Resolutions Boost DVD Sales

Sasquatches who vowed to lose weight in the new year have made Get Sweaty with the Yetti the #1 selling self help DVD of all time.

Star Witness Sasquatches

Sasquatches wishing to disguise their affiliation with the Witnesses of Jehovah can now enter the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.