Lights. Camera. No Sasquatch.

Q. Why do Sasquatches take media training courses?

A. Because no one wants a big foot in their mouth!

Okay, it’s a dumb joke. But it’s been part of the opening address at the Sasquatch Media Training facility in Washington D.C. since the school opened in 1967.

Sasquatches from all over the world descend on the centre each year. They learn the fundamentals of media relations, public not speaking, propaganda and brand building.

It’s this methodical approach to dealing with the outside world that has always protected the Sasquatches three key brand attributes: modesty, mystery and mischief.

Here are just a few of the techniques taught to Sasquatch delegates.

When observed by photographers, don’t panic. Glance over your shoulder and project an image of friendliness with just a hint of I’ll suck your face off like the fudge layer on a cheap brownie. This will discourage photographers from coming closer.

Never run. It’s a sign of weakness. If escape is necessary, lumber toward a large tree, look up and point. When your enemy looks up, drop and roll to safety. No one looks for Sasquatches on the ground.

Never speak, regardless of how many languages you know. Humans will be impressed for a little while but then they will turn the conversation back to them and you will never shut them up. There is both peace and mystery in silence.