Sasquatch Experiment Stinks

A fifth-grader in Cleveland is appealling his failing grade for a science fair experiment. In the appeal, he says that his teacher "has never smelled a real Sasquatch fart, and therefore can't say for sure that his Sasquatch Fart Replicator Machine doesn't work."

The editorial staff of Your Friday Sasquatch Report has offered to appear as expert witnesses.

Mexicans Tight-Lipped About Sasquatch Ploy

Mexican authorities attempted to lure Sasquatches out of the woods by advertising a moustache look-a-look contest. Sasquatches were encouraged to fashion their notoriously coarse and smelly lip hair to resemble famous moustaches. Contestants could enter in any of the following categories:

Rip Van Winkle, Otto von Habsburg, Kemal Ataturk, Attila the Hun, Wilhelm the I and II, Mohandas Ghandi, Emiliano Zapata, Theodore Roosevelt, George Clemenceau, Maxim Gorky, Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Horatio Kitchener, Martin Luther King, Salvador Dali, Albert Einstein, Albert Schweitzer, Friedrich Nietzshe, Freddie Mercury, Douglas Fairbanks, Clark Gable, Charlie Chaplin, Errol Flynn, Hulk Hogan, Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday or Mexican President Vicente Fox.

That’s our attempt to look like professional, unbiased journalism and it’s your Sasquatch Report. Until we look at each other again, keep your head down and don’t forget to shave your back.

No Sasquatch Ban at Penguin Classic

Antarctica was once again host to the annual “Running With The Penguins” festival last month. The notoriously slow event attracts only the most patient thrill seekers. One fox, two deer and a raccoon suffered serious injury when an intoxicated Sasquatch attempted to slide across the icy terrain like the famous Emperor Penguins. Officials say this is the first incident of its kind and they won’t ban Sasquatches from future events.

Sasquatch Disappearing Act Ignites Controversy

Skeptics say "No Bones - No Sasquatches". Their theory is: everything dies and decays somewhere. If Sasquatches exist, they ask, why are there no fossils, no skeletons or bad Sasquatches buried in the footings of Manhatten skyscrapers? A doctor in Oaxaca City, in Oaxaca, Mexico believes he has the answer. Docta Oaxaca, as he's known to locals, suggests that Sasquatch skeletons dissolve within minutes of death. "He hopes to breed chickens with Sasquatches to create Boneless Buffalo Wings.

We at the Friday Sasquatch Report say, atta boy Docta Oaxaca! You send us a postcard when that happens.

Sasquatches Light Up the Dark Side

Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon are now selling advertising space in the form of large, neon billboards. The Sasquatch advertising journal, AdWatch, calls the idea a revolutionary use of shade.

Pasta Traced to Sasquatch Philosophers

An Italian Sasquatchologist tracing the centuries-old connection between Sasquatches and pasta has uncovered proof that most of today's popular shapes are named after ancient Sasquatch philosophers, including Cavatappi, Conchiglie, Mostaccioli and Vermicelli. He regrets to inform readers that Bow Tie pasta was named by the University's advertising agency. He calls the decision crass and obvious, accusing the writers of settling for the low-hanging fruit of obvious visual connection. So far, no one seems to give a damn about this.

Big Feet. Big Balls in the Air.

At the Keep Your Big Balls in the Air Sasquatch jugglers convention in South Africa, three live lions landed in the audience when the warm-up act was distracted by papparazzi. A spokeslion said, "Had they been sober, they could have got hurt."

Canadian Bombshell Tops Sasquatch List

Pam Anderson continues to dominate the “top ten humans you’d like to golf with” list in this month's Sasquatch Quarterly magazine.

Sasquenomics Rocks the Air Waves

At an economic conference for Sasquatches held at an abandoned terrorist sleeper cell training camp in northern Canada, a prominent Sasquatch economist revealed his conclusion that we could cut green house emissions by simply asking rock stars to stop flying around the world in private 747s just to tell the rest of us why we’re screwing up the world.

Bring Your Sasquatch to Work Day

British parliament refused to debate the reinstatement of Bring Your Sasquatch to Work Day. In an official press release the uptight bastards said, "It was cool when you were all serfs, making the elite few rich. Back then, we didn't mind a few extra strong backs in the field." Damage to vending machines and plumbing issues were also cited as minor concerns.

Sasquatch Hell Driver Punishes Beetle

A Sasquatch Hell Driver has successfully circumnavigated Greenland driving on two wheels. His unmodified 1974 Volkswagen Beetle was refueled enroute thanks to a generous donation of cash, manpower and an Air Force refueling chopper. Okay, we made the bit about the chopper up. He stopped for gas a few times.

Sasquatches First In With Nuclear Power

Recently declassified documents suggest that Sasquatches had nuclear capability as early as 1750. They abandoned the technology when cheaper, safer ways to pasteurize beer were invented.

Sidelines for Sasquatch Punter

The coach of a Denver high school football team was forced to sideline his star kicker pending the results of a DNA analysis. The seven-foot teen was first suspected of being a Sasquatch when league officials noticed that he didn't speak and shaved his entire body three times a day. The final straw came when the team's mascot accused him of slipping date rape drugs into the Gatorade.

Sasquatch Driver Gets Big Foot Sweet Spot

A Sasquatch golf club manufacturer has introduced “Great Big Jesus”, an enormous golf club with a one-foot sweet spot. They are calling it their most forgiving driver yet.

Getting Heavy on Heavy Footed Sasquatches

Officials in Cremona, Italy have launched an aggressive campaign to encourage Sasquatch drivers to conserve fuel by driving slower. During Operation Big Foot Light Foot Sasquatches who are clocked on radar at or below the posted speed limit are pulled over and given a FREE Gordon Lightfoot on Strings Violin Compilation CD.

In a related story, scientists have calculated that aggressive Sasquatch drivers produce 137% more pollution than the average human driver. Coincidentally, the average Sasquatch foot is 137% larger than an average human foot but weighs eleven times more.

State Troopers in Tennessee have launched an anti-speeding campaign of their own. They call it Lead Foot Dead Foot. Speeding Sasquatches are simply gunned down without warning.

Sasquatch Pornos in Johnny Walker Black and White

Rare black and white footage captured by an “amateur” film-making couple showed up at on auction in Holland for vintage pornography. An astute Sasquatchologist viewed the film and discovered that the couple’s Super 8 tripod movie may have captured part of an ancient Sasquatch burial ritual. Then, he thought, “no I’m just drunk” and he went home.

Silent But Deadly Sasquatches

A Taiwanese recording studio attempted to sound-proof their facility using Sasquatch butt hairs. The President of the studio said it made perfect sense at the time. “Their survival depends on stealth-like movement and undetectable motion. Surely, their notorious flatulence would put them at risk. The answer had to lie in the unique texture of their butt hairs.” Following the evacuation of a village and a four-alarm blaze that raged for two days, he admitted, “It was a dumb idea.”

Sasquatch Burgers to Go, and FAST

A Mexican restaurateur in the tiny village of San Jose Del Pacifico invited three professional speed eaters, known as gurgitators, to race through a whopping 42-pound burger that he called the Sasquatch Special. The invitation was misinterpreted as ‘burgers made from Sasquatches’ and health officials demanded that he provide a list of ingredients along with mandatory nutritional information. The competition was cancelled with no explanation.

Wow. You can't make stuff up like this. Sasquatch truth is stranger than Sasquatch fiction.

The Good Side of Camera Conscious Sasquatches

An Ophthalmologist in Windsor Ontario presented a theory that Sasquatches may not have binocular vision but rather eyes on both sides of their heads, like fish, some birds and the Spears children. He began his investigation after noticing that in most Sasquatch photos, the beast is in profile. The German-born doctor concluded that the Sasquatch was most likely staring into the lens with one eye, not avoiding detection, but pointing his best side forward.

Sasquatch Safari Ends in Tragedy

A tour operator was charged with criminally negligent homicide when he allowed a tourist to shoot at a Sasquatch. The tour operator was conducting what he promotes as a Sasqu-fari (sasquatch viewing safaris). When one of his clients fired a shot from a .38 calibre handgun it struck and killed the man hired by the tour company to wear a Sasquatch costume. In his defense, the tour operator said, "I didn't think that old broad would actually hit anything."