Sasquatches Get Corked in France

According to Stationery Executive and Week-end Enthusiast magazine, we may have Sasquatches to thank for the modern cork board found in homes and offices all over the world. Sasquatches in France routinely stuck news reporters to cork trees using the tines of pitch forks. The soft wood made it easy to peg unwanted journalist to the trees as a warning to others. French entrepreneurs ran with the idea and the rest is history. The same reports suggests, but stops short of alleging, that Sasquatch goober may have the low-adhesion properties that inspired post-it notes. But no one really believes that.

Give to Your Local Sasquatch

A special bank account, overseen by Canada’s Royal Mounted Police (Mounties) contains over $4.2 million left to Sasquatches in wills and private trusts.

Sasquatch Museum Puts Heroes on Ice

Freeze drying may be the latest craze for pet owners who don’t want to part with their beloved, dead animals, but for Sasquatches the practice is nothing new. Long before humans discovered freeze-dried coffee, Sasquatches were collecting lesser known American military figures for their “Stars and Strips on Ice” museum. The collection includes the guy who left the road map to the Alamo at an all-you-can-drink toga party.

It's Road Kill for Sasquatch Super Model

Protestors threw road kill and Jamaican beef patties at Yar, the Sasquatch super model as she left a fashion show last week in the Black Forest. One Sasquatch yelled “Eat something, you anti-savage,” and hurled an Olsen twin at the hairy icon. An apologist for the group said, “You have to understand. Big is a major component of our global brand identity strategy. If we compromise on a core component of our value-for-mystery strategy, then we open the doors to interplanetary competition and people start talking about Michael Jackson and crop circles again.”

You Can't Keep a Good Sasquatch Down

When a Sasquatch dies, his or her hair continues to grow for one week. Toenails have been reported to keep growing for up to two weeks, and in Oklahoma a taxidermist reported a three-week-old Sasquatch corpse that had to be frozen to prevent it from farting. (It’s true, you can’t make this stuff up.)

The Cow Jumped Over the Sasquatch

Sovereignty and property rights in space will no doubt become more significant as the technology to propel objects and wealthy tourists into outer space becomes more mainstream. Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon have already expressed a willingness to negotiate in good faith with anyone planning to use the territory for good not evil.

Sasquatch Heroes Slippery When Wet

An jungle version of Teflon spray, made from anal gland secretions, may have given Sasquatches an advantage in the jungles of Laos, according to a Vietnem veteran who claims a Sasquatch led him to freedom when he deserted the war in 1970. He plans to publish his story in an upcoming novel, “Stinky and Slippery When Wet.”

A Breath of Bad Air

A two million dollar scientific grant was given to a chemist in Turkey who proved that while Sasquatch breath can bring a penny back to its original shine faster than any commercially prepared colas, it’s just not as refreshing. We applaud this use of tax dollars. Right now, our team of researchers is attempting to determine if 19 pints of Guinness will get you more pissed than two. We hope to receive funding shortly.

Amish Sasquatches Raise Eyebrows

A set of pencil sketches sold at an auction in Acton, Ontario have some historians raising an eyebrow. The sketches depict the various stages of an Amish barn raising. Several thin lines, depicting ropes, extend beyond the borders of the scenes. When the sketches were removed from their frames, the canvas revealed that the lines disappeared behind large hay stacks. This leads many Sasquatchologists to believe that Sasquatches and the Amish may have bonded over their mutual refrain from using electricity. Several members of both communities have denied the connection in messages sent on their Blackberries.

A Tasty Dorsal About Sasquatch Feet

A US Oceanographer claims that Dolphins have as many words for “Sasquatch” as the Inuit do for “Snow”. Being vain and superior-minded, dolphins have no word for “feet”.

Big Foot Lost in Translation

A Chinese manufacturer of odor absorbent insoles voluntarily withdrew a series of ads running in English newspapers throughout Europe. Those in the “cleaner than pigs” camp within the Sasquatch community took offence when the company’s slogan “Kills Strong Foot Odor” was translated into: EATS BIG FOOT ODOR.

Big Feet. Big Hearts. Big Success

Sasquatches from all over the Northwest Territories took part in this year’s Cab for the Cure. A spokesSasquatch, commented, “These guys spend a lot of time on their feet. It’s not fair to ask them to bike, jog or skate for charity.” Sasqatches can choose between a 5K cab ride or the more demanding 10K.

Kinky Sasquatch Encounter Confirms Myth

A woman in the United States claims that she had a romantic threesome with former basketball great Wilt Chamberlain and a Sasquatch from Canada's west coast. Asked to comment on the experience, she said, "You know what they say about big feet."

Canadian Novel Leads to Sasquatch Tragedy

A shot was fired through the window of a drycleaner in Michigan when a pedestrian noticed the owner of the store wrestling with a large brown duvet and mistook the situation as a Sasquatch attack. The shooter claimed to be particularly vulnerable to suggestion after reading the Canadian novel "Monkey Beach." [Reprint.]

Sasquatch Painters Tower Over Paris

A new book that explores the contribution of Sasquatches to modern architecture and design suggests that Sasquatches may have been ordered to paint the Eifel Tower as a form of community service. The sentence was handed down after dozens of Sasquatches partied all night atop the famous monument, throwing empty wine bottles at tourists and relieving themselves without discretion. Brindle shit brown was the only colour that would mask the damage.

Sasquatches Go Crusing

According to a San Diego news source, the number of Californians that reported seeing a Sasquatch last week was the same as the number of Sasquatches who reported seeing Tom Cruse's baby. A local math teacher, at the elementary school, who started out as the phys. ed teacher, but had to learn, and take on, math after a colleague overdosed, said about the statistical coincidence, "Yeah, that is kinda weird. How would Sasquatches know where to find Tom Cruse's baby?"

Sasquatch Not So Idol Anymore

This report was sent to us by a foreign correspondent. We enjoy receiving stories from around the world because we can spend less time researching and more time drinking Lagavulin. That's right, Lagavulin, the scotch made famous in David Eddie's novel "Chump Change".

American Idol’s first Sasquatch contestant was eliminated this week after delivering a controversial performance. The Elvis impersonator – Smelvis – had previously been a fan favorite, and drove a spike in the ratings with his renditions of "All Shook Up" and "Blue Suede Shoes." Extensive damage to the stage aside, the producers were delighted with the increased viewership. However, he took a creative gamble by singing his original country tune "Itchin’ for Lovin’" and plummeted out of favour. Smelvis said that he needed to break out creatively, and would take that same chance again. He always knew this could happen, and simply plans on returning to his day job as an esthetician in Brooklyn.

Sasquatches Breath Easy in Airborn Crisis

According to the Centre for Disease Hysteria, Sasquatches are able to grow facial hair at will. This allows them to produce a thick, hairy face mask, on a moment's notice. When the threat of airborne contamination is over, they simply cut the hair off and go back about their business. We at the Sasquatch Report wonder if Andy Rhooney has the same control over his eyebrows.

Canine In-breeding Threatens Sasquatch Safety

In-breeding of canines to produce cute, urban-sounding names like cock-a-pooh (think about that) has lead to fewer and fewer breeds being born able to speak Sasquatch. It's a well documented fact that dogs have protected Sasquatches for millions of years by leading hunters away.

Ancient Sasquatch Shot Put Alters Human History

Early humans couldn't decide. Should we live in trees? Should we live on the ground? There's no doubt that the early homosapiens who chose the ground did better for themselves. But new evidence suggests that they may not have made this decision on their own. It turns out that Sasquatch younglings often threw rocks at the shorter, less-hairy pre-humans to knock them out of trees. Two points for a hit. Double if you caught them in your mouth. The dense canopy of leaves prevented a long, arching shot, so heavy rocks had to be flung vertically, up the trunk. This motion, we would recognize as the shot put.