Crash Test Sasquatch Scandal

Boy oh boy, it's a slow news day in the woods.

Mechanical drawings for oversized chariots, and little pencil drawings of Sasquatch flying through the air, suggest that the vulgar and grotesque practice of using live Sasquatch as involuntary crash-test dummies is a myth that dates back to the Roman Era.

The Sasquatch is Dead. Long live the King.

Imagine our shock when one of our illegal Bolivian researches came across this weird Sasquatch connection while playing the woody pipe in the subway this morning.

Shoot you not. These are Elvis Presley lyrics:

Big Boots (draw your own conclusions, my loyal readers)
(words & music by Wayne - Edwards)
They call your daddy Big Boots
And Big Boots is his name
It takes a big man to wear big boots
That's your daddy's claim to fame
They know your daddy Big Boots
Wherever soldiers are
'Cause he can handle an armored tank
Just like a kiddy can
So sleep little soldier
Don't you cry
Loo loo loo loo
Loo loo loo
General sandman's soon coming by
Loo loo loo loo
Loo loo loo
I'm gonna tell you a little secret
You won't believe it's true
Did you know your
Daddy Big Boots
Once wore little boots like you

C'mon sexy, who's your Daddy Big Boots?

Irony of Sasquatch Ironies

According to a recent Pol (really, he just relocated), only 11% of Sasquatch believe in a “hobbit-like” species of human, given the scientific name of Homo Floresiensis, shown here looking like a dwarf Dr. Zeus preparing to bed an inflatable rat doll.

Cryptozoologists call the creature Orang Pendek.

Of course they do. And we think that's ok.

Sasquatch Nails Russian in Snowbank

With the first snow fall barely on the ground, a Sasquatch in Canada's Northwest Territories has set a new world record for pee writing.

After drinking a bladder-busting 156 bottles of Canadian beer, he managed to write the entire first line of Tolstoy's classic, 'Anna Karenina'.

'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'

This photo is Tolstoy, not a Sasquatch.

The Dropkick on Sasquatch Rumour

The rumour that the Irish mega-drinking band, The DROPKICK MURPHYS will not perform without at least one Sasquatch in the audience is just that - a rumour. But of all the rumours our team of illegal Bolivian researchers uncover, this one makes the most sense to us.

Rising Canadian Dollar Good for Sasquatches

Blame the new intern on our research team for this one.

A noted demographer hypothesizes that the rise of the Canadian dollar againt the Yankee Greenback will keep American hunters and fisherpeople away Canada's fresh-water haven, creating more privacy for Sasquatches, triggering the 45th Sasquatch Baby Boom in recorded history.

Sasquatches Forgiven for Mount Sasqumore Stunt

Sasquatches in Southern Italy were forgiven for carving their version of Mount Rushmore into the side of an open-pit marble mining site. Instead of dead presidents, the Sasquatch hooligans carved chubby dead comediens Buddy Hackett, Jonathan Harshman Winters and Benny Hill alongside future Hall-of-Famer Chevy Chase. Bob Newhart's people had no comment on why the aging megacomic was overlooked for the predictable Chase.

Sasquatch Urine Key to Old Growth Forest Growth

An unknown and unconfirmed Canadian Scientist has released a paper hypothesizing that Sasquatch urine is essential to the maintenance of old growth forests.

In his words, "Well, those guys hide in the woods and they drink a lot of beer, eh, so they must have to pee like a race horse and since they can't pee in the local buses like the other fellas do, they must be pee'n in the woods, and the woods is big so yu gotta go figure eh?"

Between us Sasquatch geeks: Our team of Bolivian researchers didn't spend a lot of time fact-checking this one. We're just gonna roll with it.

Sasquatch Seal Saviours Save Sailors

Sasquatches protesting the seal hunt in Northern Canada rallied to save the occupants of a shipwrecked sailboat, according to a credible, sober source making a meager living as a freelance journalist and full-time alcoholic.

As the story goes, a group of teens ran ashore and several hundred Sasquatches took the time to form a rescue sign along the icy coast. Using their large, hairy bodies 200 Sasquatches were able to spell, "YO, HELICOPTER DUDE, THE STUPID-ASS KIDS ARE HERE. HURRY, OR WE'LL EAT THEIR SORRY ASSES."

A spokesasquatch said, "The threat was an attempt to instill a sense of urgency. We had no plans to eat the yuppy puppies. We just wanted them the hell off of our nude bathing beach."

Sasquatch Home Fart Kit

A German toy manufacturer has created a Sasquatch Home Fart Kit. No shit!

Kids sign up for monthly newsletters with instructions on how to recreate an authentic Sasquatch fart. This month, kids received a recipe for "Memories of Asian Tourist with Tripod and Nikon".

2 cups, sake

1 aged sneaker insole

Mirin, a versatile seasoning made by a natural process, using only cultured rice (koji) and pure spring water, with a little sea salt added before bottling.

Expired eggs

Combine ingredients in an empty Guinness can and flame the heck out of it with a Creme Brule torch.

You've Come a Long Way Sasquatch

In the depths of the Mariana Trench, the deepest point in the Pacific ocean, lives a trasparent shrimp-like thing. Transparent? Tough to see? Evolution? Connect the dots.

Sasquatch Facial Scare

Sasquatches love their chicken wings. In addition to traditional sauces such as hot, suicide and burning hoop, they also relish sweaty ass, teenage boy closet and Grandpa's Depends.

Long before chicken wings became popular with men who think it's okay to wear ball caps and sneakers on a European vacation, wing-fests were a big deal in the Sasquatch community.

Young adult males often shaved their chins in preparation for gorging orgies that would last up to three days. There's little doubt that this ritual was observed by early Canadian settlers as they railroaded innocent farmers and blew up immigrants.

Will the Sasquatch Kids Ever Learn?

A popular and collectible candy dispenser may have roots in the ancient practice of bending the necks of squirrels backwards until they cough up the contents of their cheeks. Unlike the popular toy, squirrels come with only one head and it can only be removed once – something many young Sasquatches learn the hard way.

Sasquatch Newbie on the Scent

A major Canadian newspaper recently published an article, provided by a major news source, which included the following:

Most experts consider the Bigfoot legend to be a combination of folklore and hoaxes, but there are a number of authors and researchers who think the stories could be true.

Among all Michigan counties, Marquette County has logged the most reported Bigfoot sightings with four, Mr. Moneymaker said.

In all but three of 30 expeditions in the United States and Canada, BFRO investigators have either glimpsed Bigfoot or gotten close enough to hear the creature, Mr. Moneymaker said.

Or gotten close enough to hear the creature?

We at Your Friday Sasquatch Report ask ourselves; who the BigF*&@ gives up the search for Sasquatch when they are close enough to hear it? We sent our summer intern on a mission to track down some of these half-milers and find out what sent them running for their lives.

Sasquatch Scuttles Historic Feat

Physicists studying the failed Snake River Canyon jump in Idaho on September 8, 1974 have concluded that Evel Knievel's Skycycle trajectory varied in accordance to an anomoly that would most likely occur if a Sasquatch stowaway had snuck unboard. Evel did clear the canyon but high winds took hold of his malfunctioning parachute and blew him back into the canyon.

This story reminds us of an Evel Knievel party on Camlaren Crescent in 1972. Boy that was a lot of fun, if you got to play with the damn thing, which we didn't get to, but oh no, we're not still totally pissed off.

Sasquatch Junk

Sasquatch beaches now give bathers the option of wearing tops.

So-called topfull beaches are in response to the increased threat of skin cancer due to a depletion of the earth's ozone layer. A spokesasquatch said, "We spend most of our time in the woods. We're not used to harsh sunlight. Frankly, I've burned my ass a few times and I'm not opposed to anyone seeking a little sensible protection."

Sasquatch purists argue, "Wear the grimy layer of sweat-soaked, smelly hair the good lord gave ya. I'm a Sasquatch and I'm proud."

Land HO! Sasquatch Cruise Memorializes Island Legend

To memorialize the passing of Don Ho, Sasquatches on the Hawaiin islands shaved the upper halves of their bodies and their legs from the knees down. The Hairy Hula Skirt Ritual has never been captured on film and Sasquatches are asking paparazzi to stay focused on the Anna Nicole Smith story for just a few more years.

There will never be another first man of Hawaiin variety television programming.

At Your Friday Sasquatch Report, we'll always remember Don as the handsome dude on the Brady Bunch Episode #074-Hawaii Bound (Part 1) - Season Four. (The famous three-parter that had us biting our nails while Bobby Brady brought bad luck to himself and others by stealing an ancient tiki idol.) Look for fellow funny man Vincent Price in Part 3.

Sasquatch Readers Write

Why don't we hear from Peg the one-legged stripper anymore? Concerned reader.






Dear Concerned,
You should be concerned about yourself. Peg wasn't real. We made her up one afternoon while drinking Jose Cuervo and trying to contact Buddy Hackett on our Ouiji board.

Now, touch your face to the screen and see if you can spell LOSER.

Sasquatch CSI

Experts at the Sasquatch Report Forensic Labratory in South Beach, Miami are analyzing this photo to determine if the boy seen with this sasquatch is real or just a cheap, hand-painted, plywood little boy with a freakishly suspicious smirk. If the boy turns out to be a hoax, Your Friday Sasquatch Report will turn over all files to the Canadian Mounted Police so they can have a laugh over beers.

Eric Von Zipper Liked Sasquatches

As only he could say it, "I like you. And when Eric Von Zipper likes someone, dey stay liked."