Sasquatches Don't Text

Supposing all Sasquatches to be luddites, a Danish reporter asked a Canadian Sasquatch to explain why Sasquatch haven't embraced PDAs. The Sasquatch replied, the buttons are too small, you silly little donut. Then, he videotaped himself eating the reporter, transferred the files to his laptop and borrowed an unlocked WIFI connection to upload the footage to his untraceable website.

Seriously? A missing Sasquatch Report?

Boy, you can't make this stuff up.

Below is a real news story, by people who get paid, and who therefore have to give a damn about honesty. Scroll down. It's worth it:

A missing Sasquatch report has been filed with Kiski Township Police.

Sasquatch Statue Stolen From Spring Church Store
SPRING CHURCH (KDKA) ― A theft at a convenience store in Armstrong county has an entire town on edge, but the bad guy didn't get away with money. Nicole Hosack, owner of Nikki's Quick Six store in Spring Church, says someone made off with the store's mascot of sorts - a three foot tall, wooden Sasquatch.

"They walked over to Sasquatch while my employee was paying attention to wrapping up food. And they put the coat over it and walked out the door," Hosack said. The statue was a Christmas present for the owner's husband and it became a popular photo opportunity.

"For someone to go and take something that means something so much to us, it's just a shame, and we just want him back, we really do," Hosack said.

A missing Sasquatch report has been filed with Kiski Township Police. The store's owner is offering a $100 reward for the statue's safe return. (© MMVIII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)

Sasquatches Plan Ceremony for Carlin

Carlin is best known for his comedy, but he is also famous in Sasquatch circles for his disappearing body routine. Sasquatches prize invisibility and will miss the funny man greatly. Shown here, the legendary comic disappears before a sold-out crowd at the abandoned terrorist training facility turned Sasquatch retreat just north of Kettleby, Ontario.

Sasquatch Fast Fact

Mo Jito was a famous Sasquatch saxophonist.

Music to Sasquatch Ears

On a staff retreat in the Mayan Riviera, our team of Bolivian researchers confirmed that the music piped through the faux rock speaks by the meandering pool was being played live by a Sasquatch orchestra located in the underground parking lot. A conductor who prefers anonymity says, "Even though no one sees them, they wear full concert dress and practice perfect posture. It makes the music better."

Sasquatches Mourn Sam the Butcher

Sasquatches around the world paused to mourn the death of "lovable lug" Allan Melvin. The actor was best known for his role as Sam the Butcher on the hit show The Brady Bunch.

One mourner told Your Friday Sasquatch Report, "We used to drink every time Sam tossed the meat to Alice."

Sasquatches Up The Ante on Earth Day

Sasquatches in northern Ontario have agreed to turn out their lights for one hour on March 8, 2008 in support of Earth Hour. They have also agreed to punch out Tom Cruise's lights for an hour if anyone can deliver him to their secret hideout. We don't encourage violence, but we think that's kinda funny.

Sasquatology anyone?

Sasquatch Dictionary Gets Presidential Update

We rarely look to our friends in the so-called sober media for stories. It's still cheaper and easier to make them up. However, this bit of real news crossed the wire and our hard working team of researchers insisted that we publish it.

Bill Clinton Sees a Role in White House
21 hours ago

ATLANTA (AP) — Bill Clinton doesn't want to become the White House's Sasquatch.

The former president says it would be a mistake for him to have a specific job if he were to return to Washington with a new Clinton administration.

"I'd be like the abominable snowman," Clinton told reporters Monday. "I'd be Bigfooting everybody even if I tried not to. There's almost no way you can avoid that."

Hey Bill, we thought you were bigfooting everybody when you were in office.

Sasquatch Musical Season Kicks off in Amsterdam

Jaws the Musical kicked off the Sasquatch Underground Musical season in Amsterdam last week. Fans were treated to new variations of classic numbers including "Hey isn't that Ben Gardner's Boat?" and "Of course I can. I'm the Chief of police!"

Build Your Own Inukshuk, Just Like Sasquatch

A Canadian historian recently published a handwritten report suggesting that the famous Canadian icon, the Inukshuk, was first invented to help Sasquatches hide from explorers on the great, treeless plains of northen Canada. We sent our team of Bolivian illegals to check it out. They came across this very real website and have been busy making Christmas cards since.

http://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.com/images/inukshuk/game.html

Crash Test Sasquatch Scandal

Boy oh boy, it's a slow news day in the woods.

Mechanical drawings for oversized chariots, and little pencil drawings of Sasquatch flying through the air, suggest that the vulgar and grotesque practice of using live Sasquatch as involuntary crash-test dummies is a myth that dates back to the Roman Era.

The Sasquatch is Dead. Long live the King.

Imagine our shock when one of our illegal Bolivian researches came across this weird Sasquatch connection while playing the woody pipe in the subway this morning.

Shoot you not. These are Elvis Presley lyrics:

Big Boots (draw your own conclusions, my loyal readers)
(words & music by Wayne - Edwards)
They call your daddy Big Boots
And Big Boots is his name
It takes a big man to wear big boots
That's your daddy's claim to fame
They know your daddy Big Boots
Wherever soldiers are
'Cause he can handle an armored tank
Just like a kiddy can
So sleep little soldier
Don't you cry
Loo loo loo loo
Loo loo loo
General sandman's soon coming by
Loo loo loo loo
Loo loo loo
I'm gonna tell you a little secret
You won't believe it's true
Did you know your
Daddy Big Boots
Once wore little boots like you

C'mon sexy, who's your Daddy Big Boots?

Irony of Sasquatch Ironies

According to a recent Pol (really, he just relocated), only 11% of Sasquatch believe in a “hobbit-like” species of human, given the scientific name of Homo Floresiensis, shown here looking like a dwarf Dr. Zeus preparing to bed an inflatable rat doll.

Cryptozoologists call the creature Orang Pendek.

Of course they do. And we think that's ok.

Sasquatch Nails Russian in Snowbank

With the first snow fall barely on the ground, a Sasquatch in Canada's Northwest Territories has set a new world record for pee writing.

After drinking a bladder-busting 156 bottles of Canadian beer, he managed to write the entire first line of Tolstoy's classic, 'Anna Karenina'.

'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'

This photo is Tolstoy, not a Sasquatch.

The Dropkick on Sasquatch Rumour

The rumour that the Irish mega-drinking band, The DROPKICK MURPHYS will not perform without at least one Sasquatch in the audience is just that - a rumour. But of all the rumours our team of illegal Bolivian researchers uncover, this one makes the most sense to us.

Rising Canadian Dollar Good for Sasquatches

Blame the new intern on our research team for this one.

A noted demographer hypothesizes that the rise of the Canadian dollar againt the Yankee Greenback will keep American hunters and fisherpeople away Canada's fresh-water haven, creating more privacy for Sasquatches, triggering the 45th Sasquatch Baby Boom in recorded history.

Sasquatches Forgiven for Mount Sasqumore Stunt

Sasquatches in Southern Italy were forgiven for carving their version of Mount Rushmore into the side of an open-pit marble mining site. Instead of dead presidents, the Sasquatch hooligans carved chubby dead comediens Buddy Hackett, Jonathan Harshman Winters and Benny Hill alongside future Hall-of-Famer Chevy Chase. Bob Newhart's people had no comment on why the aging megacomic was overlooked for the predictable Chase.

Sasquatch Urine Key to Old Growth Forest Growth

An unknown and unconfirmed Canadian Scientist has released a paper hypothesizing that Sasquatch urine is essential to the maintenance of old growth forests.

In his words, "Well, those guys hide in the woods and they drink a lot of beer, eh, so they must have to pee like a race horse and since they can't pee in the local buses like the other fellas do, they must be pee'n in the woods, and the woods is big so yu gotta go figure eh?"

Between us Sasquatch geeks: Our team of Bolivian researchers didn't spend a lot of time fact-checking this one. We're just gonna roll with it.

Sasquatch Seal Saviours Save Sailors

Sasquatches protesting the seal hunt in Northern Canada rallied to save the occupants of a shipwrecked sailboat, according to a credible, sober source making a meager living as a freelance journalist and full-time alcoholic.

As the story goes, a group of teens ran ashore and several hundred Sasquatches took the time to form a rescue sign along the icy coast. Using their large, hairy bodies 200 Sasquatches were able to spell, "YO, HELICOPTER DUDE, THE STUPID-ASS KIDS ARE HERE. HURRY, OR WE'LL EAT THEIR SORRY ASSES."

A spokesasquatch said, "The threat was an attempt to instill a sense of urgency. We had no plans to eat the yuppy puppies. We just wanted them the hell off of our nude bathing beach."

Sasquatch Home Fart Kit

A German toy manufacturer has created a Sasquatch Home Fart Kit. No shit!

Kids sign up for monthly newsletters with instructions on how to recreate an authentic Sasquatch fart. This month, kids received a recipe for "Memories of Asian Tourist with Tripod and Nikon".

2 cups, sake

1 aged sneaker insole

Mirin, a versatile seasoning made by a natural process, using only cultured rice (koji) and pure spring water, with a little sea salt added before bottling.

Expired eggs

Combine ingredients in an empty Guinness can and flame the heck out of it with a Creme Brule torch.