Sasquatch Readers Write

Egan,
Do you and your team of Bolivian illegal researchers have any tips for young bloggers?

Dear Wanker,
Congratulations on being the ninth visitor to our failed blog. We'd be happy to give you some great advice.

1. Treat the truth like your last remaining testicle. It's all you've got and when it's gone, well it's gone forever Starsky.

2. Sobriety and objectivity are like drunk cousins. Never leave them alone unsupervised.

3. Understand search engines. Use typos and misleading meta tags to your advantage. For example, saskwach and boobies.

Hope this helps. Now put your pants on. Your mom probably has your dinner ready.

Lions and Tiger and Sasquatch

A spokesSasquatch denies rumours that Tiger Woods has been laying low in an abandoned terrorist training camp in northern Canada, under the protection of a local Lion's Club, rumoured to be under the protection of the Sasquatch.

Our team of illegal Bolivian researchers promised to burn their notes in exchange for an autographed Nike cap.

Sasquatch Survey

Percentage of Sasquatch in a random study that reported having a "good hair day" . 100

Sasquatch Get Sappy Over Soupy

Sasquatch around the world are mourning the death of Soupy Sales. The actor, comedian was best known as a philanthropist in the Sasquatch community. According to a spokesSasquatch, "He always made time to visit secret shelters and bring a laugh to young, under-privileged Sasquatch addicted to the pipe or just dealing with basic, ontological identity crises."

The influence of this legendary comic can be found in a Sasquatch dictionary left in a cab in St. Mary's Ontario.

Soupy. (adj.) to spread joy and laughter, the way Soupy would after a few bottles of rum, while skeet shooting at a secret terrorist training ground in Northern Ontario.

Example: Dude, you're like so Soupy.

Thanks to our team of Bolivian researchers for digging deep and coming up with the facts on this one.

Pie in your face Soupy. Sleep tight.

American Sasquatch Wisdom

Where's Michael Moore when you need him? This is an excerpt from a conversation on an American blog forum.



Bigfoot doesn't exist
"They haven't found a dead one. With the population growing as [fast as it] is someone would have shot one by now."

While this man was waiting for his automatic camera to take another snap, his truck was stolen by a Sasquatch.

Sasquatch CSI

Where will David Caruso end up?

[Actual copy from http://www.ontariosasquatch.com/]

At Ontario Sasquatch, our goal is to conduct thorough investigations. We strive to use the highest standards of evidence collection. We will make every attempt to contact you in a timely fashion and do an on-site investigation.

We are affiliated with many respected and serious research groups in Canada and the United States. Visit our Other Sites page for links to our close associates.

Sasquatch Pick Pockets Clean Up

In some alternative hippie universe Sasquatch pick pockets paid a skinny drunk guy to set off a dance craze so they could loot party-goers. At approximately 0:56 seconds, a Sasquatch youth can be seen joining the fun.

Sasquatch is northern Alaska have responded to the Korean missile crisis by promising not to let Governor Sarah Palin leave the state.

Sasquatch and Obama. It had to happen.

It's no secret that Sasquatch in Alberta Canada have been harboring Che Guevara since they helped him fake his death in 1967. According to an email intercepted by the RCMP, Che was recently spotted picking mushrooms wearing a Barak Obama tee shirt. It must be true. You can't make up crap like that.

Sasquatch Barber Shops Thriving in Bad Economy

A leading magazine devoted to franchise opportunities has named mobile sasquatch barber shops the "most promising opportunity in 2009".

Calling the business recession-proof, the magazine offers a buyers guide to used RVs including this 1987 "Bigfoot" model.

Send a Sasquatch to Happy Camp

This is true and we love these guys.

A ceramic statue of Big Foot hitchhiking to Happy Camp is one of many art pieces on display in “The Sasquatch Chronicles” at Pacific Western Traders.

Ray Charles Rocks Sasquatch New Year

Singer, performer Ray Charles was just one of many visually impaired musicians duped into playing live concerts to sold out Sasquatch crowds. Event organizers would claim the horrific smell came from a nearby chicken farm. Handlers were paid off in cash and the promise of enlightenment in the afterlife.

The Unknown Sasquatch

We feel confident squashing the rumour that The Unknown Comic was a child Sasquatch. The feet are too small.

Don't Jump the Sasquatch

An anonymous source tells Your Friday Sasquatch Report that the original script for the 1977 episode of Happy Days called for the Fonz to jump over a Sasquatch in a Zodiac wielding a chain saw.

The producers changed their minds at the last minute, claiming that it was too much to ask viewers to believe in Sasquatch and the possibility that the Fonz would actually wear his brown leather jacket and little girlie shorts on water skis.

Sasquatches Sever Alcatraz Peninsula

According to an article in 'Severed Peninsulas' magazine, the tip of Alcatraz Peninsula was severed from mainland San Francisco by the Sasquatch Corp of Engineers in late 1743. The island was to be a safe haven resort for Sasquatch seeking peace from the natives.

It's true.

Sasquatch Readers Writer

Wow. When we stuck our toes in the icy waters of Sasquatch grammar we had no idea that you would give a rat's ass. But you do.

According to our in-house grammar guru, Sasquatch is both singular and plural, like elk, moose, white trash, antelope, buffalo, bison, mink and bass, to name a few.

It just goes to show, you can chuck the rules of scientific proof out the window, but don't mess with the rules of grammar.

The Summer of Sasquatch Love

1967, was the Summer of Love. For the hippies who refused to leave the intersection of Haight and Ashbury in San Francisco, it's now the 41st Summer of Love and they aren't looking so loved anymore.

On a team building trip to the outdated district our team of researchers stopped to question the local hippy population. Here are just a few of the answers we got.

FSR: Have you ever been a Sasquatch?
Yeah man. There's one working a Ben and Jerry's right now. Are you hungry?

FSR: If all hippies have long hair, and sasquatch have long hair, are all Sasquatch hippies?
Whoa. You're right. I don't know. Are you hungry?

Sasquatches? Sasquai? Big feet? Now You Know.

Young Christopher W from Canada writes: What is the plural form of Sasquatch?

Well young Christopher, you might think that it's Sasquatches, or Sasquai, or even Big feet, but according to our in-house grammar guru you'd be WRONG little tyker.

Here at Your Friday Sasquatch we prefer the term "big hairy bastards" when referring to more than one Sasquatch.

Now stop wasting our drinking time with your english homework.

Until next time, don't believe everything you read, keep your head down and don't forget to shave your back.

Sasquatch Readers Write

One of our long-time readers sent this story, recently published by the CBC. It begs the question "Is the value that taxpayers get for their money real or just an entertaining myth?"

A mother and daughter on a berry-picking excursion in northwestern Ontario, Canada, claim the giant, black, hulking figure they saw last week might be the legendary sasquatch, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation reported Monday.

At roughly the same time, a private Sasquatch-funded newspaper ran this story.

Who the hell goes berry picking? Don't those things come from Mexico now?

Sasquatches Don't Text

Supposing all Sasquatches to be luddites, a Danish reporter asked a Canadian Sasquatch to explain why Sasquatch haven't embraced PDAs. The Sasquatch replied, the buttons are too small, you silly little donut. Then, he videotaped himself eating the reporter, transferred the files to his laptop and borrowed an unlocked WIFI connection to upload the footage to his untraceable website.