Sasquatch Gimmick Good for Bidness

A moving company that claims to use Sasquatches for the “heavy stuff” blindfolds customers when the huge beasts make their appearance. A local competitor says, “Sounds fishy, but it’s darn good marketin’.”

It Hurts to Be Cool at Sasquatch School

According to the Dictionary of Sasquatch Vernacular, Sasquatchismo is what motivates some young males to expose chest hair and live in burned out Trans Ams. Recently-added terms include – Bling sting – the painful condition that results from eating rap artists and passing their undigested jewellery through one’s bowels.

Sasquatches Rock Out of Sight

An abandoned UFO landing site was the location of last weekend's Sasapalooza Festival. Thousands of Sasquatches made the journey to hear an A-list lineup of Sasquatch bands including, The Paul Bunyans and 2 Tall for Malls.

What Rhymes With Sasquatch?

This is a Friday Sasquatch Report World Exclusive.

The following poems were discovered by an obscure German intellectual and sent to the editors of the Friday Sasquatch Report for worldwide distribution.

Be sure to read his notes below.

First Love

To be the sapling you use to brush your teeth!
To be the rock you crush to gravel beneath your foot!
I want to braid wildflowers in the hair between your breasts.

Breakfast

Into the woods the running campers vanish.
Their bacon still spucks on the fire.
Their beer is cold and good.*

*Note the Hemingway-esque tone of this line, which suggests the sasquatch may have found a copy of "The Sun Also Rises" carelessly dropped by a fleeing camper.


Sasquatch Koan

If you call my back hairy, you deny its reality.
If you call it smooth, you deny the fact.
What then will you call my back?

Middle Age

When I rise each morning
a mat of back-hair covers the ground.
Baldness approaches.

The discovery of these four poems represents the fruit of forty years' research. Ever since I was a lederhosened boy in the wooded hills of Bavaria, throwing stones at the hairy mountain men and running squealing back to the safety of the family castle when they chased me; ever since I read of the adventures of my great predecessor, Diogenes Teufelsdrokh, who was stomped to death under mysterious circumstances (how could such circumstances be unmysterious?) while camping in the Okanagan Valley in the early 80s; ever since I first saw a grainy film of a tall, hairy man-like creature running into the trees next to a stream, I have dreamed of the mighty Sasquatch of North America and wondered what his poetry would be like.

I confess these poems are not what I imagined. I expected rough, rugged, primal, primitive poetry about battles with game wardens and heroic raids on campsites; these haiku have forced me to reconsider my entire concept of the sasquatch. Clearly the sasquatch has a quiet, reflective side; there is something almost philosophical in him, a reservoir of glassy calm at the centre of the hairy tornado that we occasionally glimpse in the depths of the forest.

The influence of the Far East on these poems, and particularly on the "Sasquatch Koan", suggests sasquatches may have originally crossed the well-known "land bridge" from Asia to North America, bringing some fragments of Zen philosophy with them.

I will continue my researches into sasquatch poetry, and update the Report with any new findings.

--Dr. Hieronymous Weltschmerz, Teufelsdrokh Chair of Things in General, Professor of Primitive Culture, Vocational College of the Okanagan Valley

Sasquifacts

The percentage of American teens who believe they are related to a Sasquatch: 12
The percentage of Sasquatches who deny having sex with campers: 99.2

The likelihood of a Sasquatch throwing "an avalanche" (3 consecutive rocks) in Rock, Paper, Scissors match: 1 in 45.

Correlation between the weight of new-borns in Texas to the weight of a Sasquatch tongue: 1:1

Number of US Senators who voted for "Stoop and scoop, and scoop, and scoop, and scoop some more" legislation for Sasquatch caregivers: 13.

Odds that an Oprah Pick was ghost-written by a Sasquatch: 1 in 2,345.

Sasquatches Help Smokers Butt Out

A rehab clinic in Fergus Ontario, site of the annual Highland Games, helps ex-smokers fight the craving by building environmentally-friendly outhouses for Sasquatches. The 15-foot-tall, chemically-activated toilets are heli-lifted to remote areas around the world to help reduce the harmful effects of “weapons grade” methane gas produced by the world's Sasquatch community. A spokesperson for the clinic says, “When it comes to cleaning the environment, no butt is too big.”

Sasquatch Facts You Didn't Know

In his new book “Erections That Last”, an Italian architect claims that Sasquatches invented lattice thousands of years ago as portable camouflage. Among the Sasquatch inventions that didn’t stand the test of time: living toilet paper and circular chop sticks.

Luck of the Irish Sasquatch

Turd Fairies are a common theme in Sasquatch Fairy Tales. Parents tell Sasquatch younglings about the Turd Fairies that always grow and multiply wherever there is a Sasquatch turd. Turd Fairies are 4.7 inches tall and 2,000 Turd Fairies can carry away a Sasquatch toddler with ease. “The obvious point of Turd Fairy stories,” says an Irish academic compiling a comprehensive anthology, “is to discourage young Sasquatches from laying turds too close to home.”

In a related story, a Welsh cobbler was imprisoned in 1959 after he and his estranged wife’s second husband executed the country’s most elaborate Turd Fairy hoax. The men attempted to sell photos of Turd Fairies to the local newspaper, claiming they stumbled across a Turd Fairy orgy near an overturned Sasquatch outhouse. “The photos were an obvious hoax,” said a local constable, “everyone knows that Turd Fairies don't wear track pants.”

Sasquonomics Overflows Sasquatch Think Tank

A controversial Sasquatch economist was met by protestors when she arrived at an abandoned fringe terrorist cell training camp in northern Saskatchewan to address the members of a Sasquatch social policy think tank. Her speech “The Economics of Transparency and Integration” encourages Sasquatches to join society and petition for human rights. Protestors carried signs that read “Remember the Unicorn” and “Where are the werewolves now? Fatso.”

The Butcher, the Baker and the Sasquatch

There may be a link between secretive European Bakers Guilds and the Sasquatch. Confidential documents leaked to the media suggest that guild meeting halls were constructed to conceal Sasquatch hideouts. Top officials confirm the plausibility of the story saying, “It’s a good cover. Back then, people thought men who baked were, you know, funny like that.”

Tee for Sasquatch

A popular Sasquatch tee shirt reads, “Why call it tourist season if you can’t shoot ‘em.”

Sasquatches Give Birth to Golf Ball

Golf balls may owe their dimpled texture to an ancient Sasquatch hunting ritual, according to a Sasquatch Scouts Training Manual. After inventing the boomerang, Sasquatch hunting parties developed elaborate pre-hunt rituals to coax luck onto their side. In one such ritual, the oldest member of the tribe, with teeth, would chew the boomerang, leaving tiny dimples across the surface. These dimples allowed skilled Sasquatch boomerang hunters to “bend it like Banacek” and hit targets hiding behind trees.*

* The tv series Banacek won an award from the "Polish-American Congress" for positively portraying a Polish-American on television. The cigars that George Peppard smoked on Banacek were Panatelas from Club 21 in New York City. He had smoked the same cigars as Hannibal Smith on "The A-Team". He eventually gave up smoking in 1992 after having a tumor removed from one of his lungs.

Bad Sasquatch. Bad!

A Sasquatch dominatrix makes her clients brush their teeth and eat fresh, cooked vegetables.

Sasquatch Grip Publishes Moon Landing Tell All

Sasquatches living on the dark side of the moon provided lighting kits to the Apollo Astronauts. This according to a new tell-all novel written by a Sasquatch grip employed to operate the equipment. Conspiracy theorists admit that this revelation would explain the "convergent shadow anomoly" at the heart of the lighting controversy. They also believe that the Sasquatch grip from the dark side of the moon is really a Soviet agent, dressed like a Sasquatch.

We love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next little-dick nerd. But we have to ask, "why would a Soviet agent, operating on the dark side of the moon, need a costume?

We're smarter than we look.

Next Stop: Sasquatch Air Fresheners

In the men's bathroom at our secret headquarters we have a can of air freshener. It's called "Country Scent". I grew up in the country. Most days, it smelled a lot like fertilizer and cow shit.

This made the editorial staff at Your Friday Sasquatch Report wonder what kind of scents Sasquatches (who live in the country) would choose to mask their world-famous odor.

Here are the leading products in the air freshener/solid (non-plug-in) category sold at secret locations to Sasquatches the world over.

Transit Pits
A moist, pungent scent simulating the armpit stench of a multi-ethnic crowd on a downtown subway car.

Dirty Ass
A mixture of butt sweat and incontenence, suggesting a Euchre at downtown, human rest home.

Dance of the Dentures
Dry plastic cup scum and rotting beets take the soul back to gentler times at Grandpa's house.

Coal Burner
A free-enerprise, unregulated, smog-filled gasoline vapor that stings the eyes and sticks to clothes.

Sasquatch Readers Write

Dear FSR,
Why don't we hear more about Sasquatch architects and industrial designers?

Dear Gentle Reader,
Normally, we make fun of people who ask questions about Sasquatches. But in your case, we feel compelled to respond. Most Sasquatch designers simply don't find a market for their ideas in the human world because Sasquatches are really big and people aren't.

The most talented Sasquatch designers are forced to modify or downgrade their ideas to reach the lucrative human market for automobiles, furniture, lazy Susans and "battery-operated" devices of pleasure.

Typically, a Sasquatch designer will sell his or her idea to a human such as Leonardo DaVinci and use the money to finance inner-forest Sasquatch youth programs, such as "Don't Screw Human Campers, They're Gross (DSHCTG).

So think about that the next time you cram your over-paid, hairless, human ass into the cockpit of your Audi TT.

P.S. You're ugly and stop sending us intelligent questions.

Unmanned Opportunity for Savvy Sasquatches

At a recent Mine's Bigger Than Yours military trade show, hundreds of companies displayed a wide range of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs). Known for their passivism and savvy investing techniques, Sasquatches around the world invested in rubber bands and batteries.

Sasquatch on Cutting Room Floor

Cleaning staff at a prominent studio recently discovered footage from an unaired episode of Gilligan's Island, labelled Panic in the Hammock.

The grainy footage shows Lovey encountered a Sasquatch sleeping in Thurston's hammock. Mayhem ensues. Then a little more mayhem. After lots of mayhem, they share a smoke.

Evidently, smoking was not considered suitable for the young viewing audience.

Sasquatches Celebrate 6 Weeks of Weight Gain

This week, Sasquatches released a 70-pound Olsen twin into the wild.

She didn't cast a shadow - forecasting six more weeks of weight gain for Sasquatches.

Sasquatch New Year Resolutions

Exit polling conducted at the massive FREE SEX in OH SIX new year's eve party that took place in northern Manitoba revealed this year's list of top Sasquatch new year resolutions.

Drink more.
Get photographed less.
Evolve.
Gain weight.
Stop snacking on Asians.
Expose David Blaine.