Sasquatch Scuttles Historic Feat

Physicists studying the failed Snake River Canyon jump in Idaho on September 8, 1974 have concluded that Evel Knievel's Skycycle trajectory varied in accordance to an anomoly that would most likely occur if a Sasquatch stowaway had snuck unboard. Evel did clear the canyon but high winds took hold of his malfunctioning parachute and blew him back into the canyon.

This story reminds us of an Evel Knievel party on Camlaren Crescent in 1972. Boy that was a lot of fun, if you got to play with the damn thing, which we didn't get to, but oh no, we're not still totally pissed off.

Sasquatch Junk

Sasquatch beaches now give bathers the option of wearing tops.

So-called topfull beaches are in response to the increased threat of skin cancer due to a depletion of the earth's ozone layer. A spokesasquatch said, "We spend most of our time in the woods. We're not used to harsh sunlight. Frankly, I've burned my ass a few times and I'm not opposed to anyone seeking a little sensible protection."

Sasquatch purists argue, "Wear the grimy layer of sweat-soaked, smelly hair the good lord gave ya. I'm a Sasquatch and I'm proud."

Land HO! Sasquatch Cruise Memorializes Island Legend

To memorialize the passing of Don Ho, Sasquatches on the Hawaiin islands shaved the upper halves of their bodies and their legs from the knees down. The Hairy Hula Skirt Ritual has never been captured on film and Sasquatches are asking paparazzi to stay focused on the Anna Nicole Smith story for just a few more years.

There will never be another first man of Hawaiin variety television programming.

At Your Friday Sasquatch Report, we'll always remember Don as the handsome dude on the Brady Bunch Episode #074-Hawaii Bound (Part 1) - Season Four. (The famous three-parter that had us biting our nails while Bobby Brady brought bad luck to himself and others by stealing an ancient tiki idol.) Look for fellow funny man Vincent Price in Part 3.

Sasquatch Readers Write

Why don't we hear from Peg the one-legged stripper anymore? Concerned reader.






Dear Concerned,
You should be concerned about yourself. Peg wasn't real. We made her up one afternoon while drinking Jose Cuervo and trying to contact Buddy Hackett on our Ouiji board.

Now, touch your face to the screen and see if you can spell LOSER.

Sasquatch CSI

Experts at the Sasquatch Report Forensic Labratory in South Beach, Miami are analyzing this photo to determine if the boy seen with this sasquatch is real or just a cheap, hand-painted, plywood little boy with a freakishly suspicious smirk. If the boy turns out to be a hoax, Your Friday Sasquatch Report will turn over all files to the Canadian Mounted Police so they can have a laugh over beers.

Eric Von Zipper Liked Sasquatches

As only he could say it, "I like you. And when Eric Von Zipper likes someone, dey stay liked."

Sasquatches in the Cradle

Mesopotamia is considered by many scholars to be the cradle of civilization. This much is true. Uruk pots (found on dig sites) are believed to be one of the first mass-produced consumer goods. This much our Bolivian illegal researchers pretty much guessed.

New research from the Dung Institute suggests that Sasquatches may have inhabited the territory known as the "Fertile Crescent" well before Mesopotamianitesians and it was Sasquatch dung-fertilizer that made the area so conducive to agriculture.

Boy oh boy, it's a small world but you wouldn't want to pick up all the Sasquatch dung with little tiny sandwich bags.

Jose writes: Hey man, go check out Uruk pots on the Worldwide Interweb thing. We don't know how to insert links yet. But hey man, that's how we roll!

Sasquatch Riders Kicked to the Curb

A lower court in Barrie, Ontario ruled that Sasquatches do not meet the legal definition of "Occupant". Salespeople using elderly Sasquatch passengers to take advantage of High Occupancy Vehicle Lanes (HOVs) are disappointed by the decision. A spokeperson for the Mobile Professionals Association said, "Old Sasquatches are just like old people. They like to go for a ride in the car and look out the window. Sure, they smell and they mess themselves, but that's what diapers and car fresheners are for."

Sasquatch Readers Write

Dear Friday Sasquatch Report,
My wife and I are looking for legitimate tour operator who can take us on a Sasquatch site seeing excursion. Can you recommend one?
Desperate couple

Dear Desperate,
Now that I think about it, yes. Try Idiot & Idiot. They’re in the phone book under IDIOT.

Where Sasquatch?

A large Irish Wolfhound in London stood erect to rescue a small child stuck in a tree. He [the bipedal canine] has not been seen since. His owner refuses to tell Police where he bought the animal. The controversy has pitted Werewolf Watchers of London against the local chapter of Friends of Sasquatch. Each is claiming an ontological victory.

In a related story, 63% of American males, 35+ who play video games think Sasquatch could take the Werewolf in an ultimate fight challenge.

Goo Goes on a Limb for Sasquatch Site

Goo, the actress best known for her supporting role on the Gumby and Pokey show, is using her fame to help protect a sacred Sasquatch burial site in Perth. Goo has stretched herself into the shape of a fireman’s tarp and is stopping bulldozers from entering the site. In a related story, a spokesperson for the Blockheads denies that they will be appearing in an upcoming season of the Surreal Life.

Bah Bah Sasquatch

Satellite radio entrepreneurs plan to bring back the popular 1970s television show “Bah Bah Black Sheep” as a radio drama with Sasquatch actors supplying the sound effects for the vintage Corsair war planes. There is speculation the role of Major Gregory “Pappy” Boyington may be played by son-in-law of the late Beer Store Bob.

In a related story, an American tourist was rushed to hospital with a severed left arm after challenging a Sasquatch to “knock the battery off his shoulder”.

Sasquatch. Stupid. Silly. Words That Start With S

Sasquatches in England dropped their discrimination case against a dictionary publisher after admitting that Sasquatch does start with an “s” and shouldn’t be closer to the front of the book.

A Dull Moment? Not On My Sasquatch!

In Halifax, Sasquatches raised money for substance abuse at this year’s annual One Big Foot in Front of the Other Comedy Festival for Crack Heads and Dopes. Among the performers was the 2,700 pound “jolly giant” who entertained the crowd with his version of 1950s white guy Catskills humour. With a grunt and one, two, three:

“A human doctor asked if I know what my resting heart rate is. I said yes. It’s my only heart rate.”

“The boss says, hey Jolly, are you workin’ out? I say I guess so. You haven’t fired me yet.”

“My human doctor told me to get some more fresh air. Now I drive with the windows down.”

“Someone told me that taking the dog around the block would be good for me. He jumped out the car window.”

“The guidance councilor told me to run for student council. I couldn’t catch any of them.”

Knotty Anniversary

Sasquatches the world over met to mourn on the anniversary of the death of comedian Don Knotts. “Don was a good guy”, says a Sasquatch spokessasquatch. “He was the first comedian in Hollywood to use Sasquatch boom operators. He appreciated our added height. He said it gave him room to be wacky.”

The Easter Edition

The Easter story is true. Of course it is – things like that happen all the time. Who wouldn’t believe it?

But we at the Sasquatch Report thought it would be fun to rifle through our archives and dig out some lesser-known Easter rumours.

We start with the escape from the cave. As the story goes, Ory, a very famous Sasquatch golfer hit the drive of his life – a soaring fade that would inspire even Dave and Toph. The ball rocketed 600 yards off course and rolled under a boulder that was blocking the entrance to a cave. When Ory got to the cave, he found a group of men in sandals gathered around it. He waited for the group to fall asleep and then hoisted the huge rock out of the way and went in to look for his ball. Inside, he found a hairy young man who said, “Dude, is this your ball?” Ory said yes and thanked the young fella for not moving it. “Yes sir,” said the hairy young dude from Nazareth, “I know that it’s a penalty to move your ball.” The Sasquatch was so impressed with the man’s honesty and respect for golf etiquette, that he invited him to play the back nine with him. As the rumour goes, they spent the afternoon together and the Sasquatch said, “Young hairy dude from Nazareth, you are honest and wise, you should write a book.” At the time, it was more sarcastic than inspirational. Throughout the day, they discussed characters and plot structure while inventing interesting golf formats such as Match Play, Stroke Play, Calcutta and Bingo-Bango-Bongo. At the end of the round the young hairy dude from Nazareth decided not to return to the cave. He now had a mission and a new found love of golf, thanks to Ory the Sasquatch Amateur champion of the year 32 AD. And, as they say, the rest is ‘his’ story (the hair dude that is).


The next rumour involves everyone’s favourite Easter treat, the chocolate bunny. There are those who believe that chocolate bunnies were originally a prank gift, like chocolate penises at bridal showers. It all stems from an old Sasquatch joke that goes something like this: A Sasquatch and a bunny are taking dump in the woods. The Sasquatch says, “Hey little bunny, do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?” The bunny says, “No.” So, the Sasquatch says, “Great”, picks up the bunny and uses it to wipe his ass. And, as they say, the rest is his story (the bunny that is).

Finally, we come to the painted chicken egg. Sasquatch lute players were often employed to play calming music in chicken coups. The music relaxed the chickens, resulting in more eggs laid. But, according the Minula Indians the type of music played could affect the colour of the eggs laid. Hard rock lute = white. Jazz lute = brown. Classical lute = orange. A combination of all three colours = poultry hemorrhoids.

Believe what you want, we do. That’s your Easter Edition of the Sasquatch Report. Until next time, don’t forget to shave your back, and keep your head down and your balls on the fairway.

Thank the Sasquatch for St. Paddy's Day

Connecting the history dots.
Sasquatches had been drinking heavily in Ireland.
St. Patrick arrived and "banished" the snakes.
Truth is, snakes never went to Ireland because of the stench of Sasquatch "paddies".
St. Patrick says, "Keep mu wee secret and ull pay fur yer beers."
The rest is rumour and history mingling like hops and barley to bring you, our loyal reader, a little pleasure.
Until next time, dunnu forget to keep yur ed doon and shave yur bock.

Lights. Camera. No Sasquatch.

Q. Why do Sasquatches take media training courses?

A. Because no one wants a big foot in their mouth!

Okay, it’s a dumb joke. But it’s been part of the opening address at the Sasquatch Media Training facility in Washington D.C. since the school opened in 1967.

Sasquatches from all over the world descend on the centre each year. They learn the fundamentals of media relations, public not speaking, propaganda and brand building.

It’s this methodical approach to dealing with the outside world that has always protected the Sasquatches three key brand attributes: modesty, mystery and mischief.

Here are just a few of the techniques taught to Sasquatch delegates.

When observed by photographers, don’t panic. Glance over your shoulder and project an image of friendliness with just a hint of I’ll suck your face off like the fudge layer on a cheap brownie. This will discourage photographers from coming closer.

Never run. It’s a sign of weakness. If escape is necessary, lumber toward a large tree, look up and point. When your enemy looks up, drop and roll to safety. No one looks for Sasquatches on the ground.

Never speak, regardless of how many languages you know. Humans will be impressed for a little while but then they will turn the conversation back to them and you will never shut them up. There is both peace and mystery in silence.

Sasquatches Wait for Groundhog Day

In a suburb of Kentucky, Gill the Groundhog popped his head out of his hole.

He saw a large shadow just before the Sasquatch bit his head off.

Sasquatch Readers Write

I’m curious. I recently watched a television program on feral children. I’m wondering if there are any documented cases of Sasquatches being raised in civilization by humans. You know, the opposite sort of thing.

Dear Curious,

We don’t know. Why don’t you ask The Man in the Yellow Hat?

Next!